Britains Worst Serial Killer Arrested

The Merseyside Police Force is currently investigating a local man in connection to a string of disappearances over the last 30 years.

50 year old Albert Fish was arrested at his home on Tuesday evening after a tip off that a string of girlfriends have disappeared under very suspicious circumstances.

Mr Fish who was well known in his neighbourhood for being rather creepy and strange was taken away for questioning late on Tuesday night. We have been informed that his house and garden shed are being searched by forensic investigators for clues to the possible whereabouts of his former partners.

The 50 year old amateur entomologist it has been confirmed had a penchant for and actively groomed girlfriends from the insect world. A list of those that are missing and possibly presumed dead has been released by Merseyside Police. Anyone with information on the missing is asked to contact a designated phone line that has been set up.

Beryl McFly – last seen frequenting the public toilets near Sefton Park, missing since July 1977.

Nancy Waspty – The last sighting was near a plate of creamed scones in June 2007, Colwyn Bay.

Mary the Hornedbeetle- Was last seen being pinned up against a board in Liverpool Museum in May 2009.

Merseyside Police have confirmed that other possible partners/victims are being looked into but as yet no further details can be given due to the nature of the investigation. Forensic officers have taken away numerous possible pieces of evidence since Tuesday night. A very reliable source confirmed that the floorboards of the suspect’s property have been lifted and by all accounts it is looking like “a killing field under there!”.

The Governments New Weapon Against Street Crime Introduced

Fearful Bankers Told: Dress Down To Dodge Rioters

Children's Games That Just Didn't Sell?

Police Called to Mass Brawl At Wedding.

A member of the general public was forced to call their local police station after a wedding at the picturesque resort of Cana, Galilee after trouble at a local wedding. Officers raided the out of hand party after Jesus openly refused to produce a large quantity of wine as promised.

Jesus, one eyewitness confirmed, had to be escorted from the wedding ceremony by his disciples after one angry guest shoved a half eaten chicken wing in his chest, whilst berating him drunkenly about his no miracle attitude. This caused other party goes to turn on the son of God also and vent their anger at the lack of over flowing wine.

Police chief, Ken Stott confirmed, “A number of guest at the party after consuming large amounts of wine wouldn’t take no for an answer when they asked the son of God to replenish the already empty jars of red wine. This invoked a lack of compliance from Jesus which resulted in a number of punches being thrown by all and sundry.”

Chief Stott also confirmed, “We found Jesus in the beer garden surrounded by his disciples as chairs, jars and all manner of household goods were being thrown about him. Fortunately we managed to quell the situation after a short period of negotiation. Thankfully we managed to get Jesus to produce a few platters of pies, sandwiches and crisps. Fortunately the number of arrests made, were minimal and the party was allowed to continue into the night without further incident.”

When asked how he felt about being forced into such a situation, Jesus merely confirmed, “It’s a cross I have to bare these days being the son of God.”

Policeman Kisses Rat To Death

A rat was given the kiss of life by an animal-loving policeman it has been reported in the media.
The ill rodent was spotted by PC Andrew Westlife while he was on his beat in Clacton, Essex.

“It ran out in front of me and stopped and looked up at me with its beady eyes.” PC Westlife explained. “I noticed his demeanour wasn’t quite right and so I picked him up I cocooned him in my hands and he gave a shudder and fell unconscious. I tried to revive him by blowing into his whiskered nose and rubbing his belly. I suddenly felt very attracted to the rodent and continued to stroke his lovely fur. This however, seemed to be doing more for me than the little critter.”

The rat did come around and he took it to a pet store in Clacton, Essex, but sadly it later died.
The CPS has denied they are looking into the incident to see if there is a case of charges being made under the Grooming of Under-Aged Rodents Act 1978.

P.C. Westlife has been suspended from duty whilst doctors check him for Rabies.

The Weekly Festival News Round Up

Landmine Festival: Organisers asked about its controversy in holding such a festival said that we all need to tread carefully when dealing with such issues.

The OAP’s festival of remembrance is slightly muted this year due to the committee all suffering from Alzheimer’s.

Festival of Love: This year’s festival ends in chaos as Relate Police have to be called in.

Gay Pride Festival: It ends in a cat fight when some partygoers ask if scatter cushions would be available but were unhappy when told this was still to be arranged.

Police Try To Get To The Bottom Of Sheep Attacks

A man arrested by police investigating a series of sex attacks on sheep has been banned from visiting farmland. Officers held the man on suspicion of bestiality after a dawn raid at his home near Ramsbottom.

A Police spokesman said the man was released on bail pending further inquiries. The arrest followed several complaints made to police about a man molesting sheep on grassland in May and June.

Two joggers became suspicious when the man was spotted pulling up his trousers as he stood near a sheep that was lying on the ground.

Police are also investigating reports that the suspect also took photographs of the animals.

Man Arrested for Licking Bobbies Helmet

Further troubles in Northern Japan, during a gay rights rally. 24 year old Tung Mi was arrested for appearing to lick the helmet of a senior police officer. Mr Tung, a local dj and former Mick Jagger impersonator, claims he was only thirsty and noticed some watery residue on the tip of the officers helmet.

Police deny any provocation, claiming that officers wore tight fitting hot pants only to blend in with the crowd.

The police are appealing for witnesses, while the witnesses believe the police are appealing.

Ice Cream Cone Man Arrested

An ice cream man is being questioned by the police after a spate of persistent cold selling. Mr Tony O’Brien from Pinner, London was arrested on Tuesday evening and remanded in jail following further enquiries by the police. Mr O’Brien’s solicitor confirmed that his client denies all allegations. The Metropolitan Police are looking to see how many laws have actually been broken. As there are hundreds and thousands to be checked it may take some time.

Police Force Unveils 'Wuff Divers'

Police forces all over the country unveiled their new weapon against crime the Wuff Diver. A police cheif was quoted as saying "It has been called this because of it's ability to dive into tight passages and wet damp areas that are not accessible to traditional diving techniques".

Big Bang Wrong Thang

The chief of the world’s leading cold case squad has confirmed today that the wrong meteor had been blamed for killing off the dinosaur. After the reopening of the case and a major forensic investigation into the events 65 million years ago police can now reveal the truth. The Chicxulub impact off the coast of Mexico 65 million years ago could not now have been the culprit which caused the deaths of so many all that time ago.

We spoke to a leading investigator on the case, Professor Ivor Idear, at his laboratory in Dartford. “Evidence now proves that the original suspect could not have been the cause of such extinction and that another Meteor was in fact involved. We are making every effort to find the true perpetrator and will use every resource available to us now that forensic science has moved on since the original incident.”

The case has been a cause of contention for so long now and due to some lobbying by activist around the world the case was reopened.

The lead investigator Assistant Chief of Police, Arthur Brian confirmed yesterday, “After our request for witnesses on Crime Watch last year the helpline we set up was inundated with a great many phone calls. We took many samples of the ocean in and around the crime scene and it would now appear that the original suspect was wrongly accused.” When asked if this would result in an investigation into the original police investigation made by the Metropolitan Police, Mr Brian would not comment.

We spoke to the solicitor for the original suspected meteor today. “I spoke to my client and he is relieved at long last that his name will be cleared in this matter. He has for 65 million years denied any involvement in the crime but was never listened to. He hopes now he will be released from jail and will be allowed to live a normal meteoric life style. My client has had to live with the shame of countless deaths that he did not have a hand in. He agrees that he was involved with some minor petty crime but this stigma has lived with him for so many years. ”

A hearing into the case will be made shortly and only then will we know what compensation the wrongly accused meteor may in fact receive. The investigation into the true murderer is on going but we have been informed that the squad are close to making a major arrest soon.

The First Official CCTV Footage Of Panda Mugging Released By Police

Police at Wolverhampton have today released CCTV footage of the recent mugging that occurred at the weekend. Two teenage pandas walked up to an unsuspecting panda in broad daylight and mugged their victim. The victim who wishes to remain anonymous was left shaken after the incident. Apparently it has caused chaos with the male Pandas libido. His girlfriend remained silent on hearing this and merely shook her head.

Police investigating the crime have expressed their concern over the incident. They have asked local residence to remain vigilant and if they should see the perpetrators that they should not be approached. Wolverhampton police are currently working on a few phone calls relating to the mugging received at the Crime-Stoppers call line.

Armed Police Have Bird Killer In Their Sights

It has been reported that the Fazackerley Bird Killer was at long last captured by Merseyside Police yesterday morning.

For nearly six months now police have been on a wild goose chase across a suburb of Liverpool trying to capture the mass murderer of countless hundreds of law abiding pigeons and other common a garden birds. A nation wide man hunt had been underway for some time but without much to go on. However, a call to Crime Stoppers alerted the police to a possible suspect.

There has been strong information passed to our editorial team that has thrown up the possibility that the same killer may have been part of the conspiracy to kill JFK way back in November 1963. New evidence has come to light that kitty-litter was found behind the fence on the grassy knoll. Tomorrow The Global News Terrorists asks –

Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone or did the Kitty-Litter Killer have a paw in the whole sordid act?

Police Wrong Footed In Hospital Gun Incident.

A hospital in America was locked down when armed police searched the building after a member of the public reported that a man had walked into the building with a deadly assault rifle.
The 'assault rifle' turned out to be a prosthetic leg though police have not confirmed what caliber of leg it may have been.

The incident began when a woman called to report that she'd seen a man carrying a weapon into St. Justin’s Hospital in Bellingham, Washington. Several police agencies responded quickly, conducting a search of every floor in the building.

When they didn't find a gunman anywhere, they evacuated the building. It was at this point that the woman who originally spotted the gunman saw him again – and it turned out to be an office worker carrying a prosthetic leg. Mrs Szczepanek who has been diagnosed with severe cataracts was not repentant at all about her mistake but was more interested in asking our reporter, “ Who are you, you freakin nutcase?”

Police Deputy Chief Randy Craft commented, “Everyone did everything to plan and like we hoped, it turned out to be a good situation today. We however, would like to apologize to the office worker for my men beating him up but when we see a man with a weapon we act first and think later, even if it does turn out to be a false leg.”

We asked if the leg the office worker was carrying was in fact loaded but the police chief refused to confirm one way or another.

It has been confirmed by a reliable source that it isn’t the first time Mrs Szczepanek has made false reports to the police. Last year she called 911 when she assumed a man with a sawn off shotgun had entered her local synagogue. It transpired that the man in question was on his way home from doing his groceries and had dropped in to the synagogue whilst carrying two French sticks under his arm. The Police Deputy Chief would not confirm if Mrs Szczepanek would be charged with wasting police time or if her Juggernaut license would now be taken off her.

Basil Brush Supporters March On Police Station

Mugger Captured After Toe Licking

A mugger in America was arrested this week. The mugger not only robbed his victim but also took the time to lick her toes before making a quick getaway.

Commander Kevin Clasp called the incident, in St. Paul, Minnesota, 'weird sexual behavior.'

The incident occurred when a 24-year-old woman was leaving work around 1a.m. on Saturday. The suspect, a 27-year-old man, approached her and demanded her keys and phone. After that, instead of running away he took time out to remove her shoes and licked her toes.

The woman was not hurt, police said but it was definitely a mistake on his behalf.

Police arrested the man a few minutes later about four blocks away after he had stopped to be sick. The woman identified the suspect, and police were able to recover her keys and phone. The man was in custody, but it was not clear whether he had been formally charged. His Victim Sally Biachio Said she didn't hold it against her mugger and that she hopes to meet him again if and when he is released as it was the best foot soak she ever had.

Fugitive Kitten Gives Himself Up To Armed Police

Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'

A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westburyon February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency. The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".

Police Investigate Toilet Terrorits War Of Turds

The Avon and Somerset Police are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit's identity.

Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel's back I am afraid. Before anyone asks, no we do not have a camel within the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. The utter wilful damage to those toilets has been shocking indeed. I have seen some sights in my 20 year career within the police force but this makes the others pale into insignificance.”

We have been informed that for a period of four months someone or some thing has been defecating all over the public toilets in and around the bath area. It has caused hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage to the property. Some attendants have been hospitalised due to the distressing scenes found within these premises.

Funding to install blue lighting in ten of Bath’s public toilets had been secured by Bath & North East Somerset’s Community Safety Partnership – which includes Avon and Somerset Police and the Council.

Blue lighting has proved to be an effective way to prevent drug addicts using public toilets to inject drugs as it makes it extremely difficult for them to see their veins. But the Avon and Somerset Police and Council had no warning of what would happen next.

Cllr Frost confirmed, “The toilets and wash basin areas were smeared with human excrement. The smell was so abhorrent that a public health warning had to be issued due to the severity of the rotten smell emitting from the targeted premises. Each toilet was left unflushed and filled to the brim with the liquidised foul rotten excreta. If anyone has any information we can follow through on we would be most grateful. You can contact the Avon and Somerset Police on their hotline on the usual number. A fund had been set up to help with the costs of the damage. Any small deposit the public wish to leave to help in the restoration of the targeted amenities will be welcome. With the help from the general public the Police are hoping to have something more solid to go on soon.”