Police Force Unveils 'Wuff Divers'

Police forces all over the country unveiled their new weapon against crime the Wuff Diver. A police cheif was quoted as saying "It has been called this because of it's ability to dive into tight passages and wet damp areas that are not accessible to traditional diving techniques".

Dogs Turn To Drugs To Escape Fireworks

A statement made by the National Veterinary Society today, claims that dogs are turning to hard drugs to escape from their firework nightmares. "Some dogs have been suffering firework distress for many years and are taking to drugs as a last resort", said a spokesperson for the NVS.

Our investigators have uncovered disturbing statistics regarding dog drug abuse. The statistics show that almost 90% of the British doggy community have 'dabbled' in drugs, with nearly 50% of 'lady dogs' taking some form of drugs every week. This problem was higlighted recently by British Big Beat band The Prodigy with their charity single "smack my bitch up".

The lack of canine 'drop-off' centre's, were dogs can go to get treatment for their condition, has lead to a large population of hard-core animals turning to burgalry and other crimes. One such dog was caught last week trying to rob the local off-licence. The off-licence owner was able to identify the criminal by his distinctive gruff accent and burberry dog collar which was visible through the blacked out muffler the offender was wearing as a disguise.

We have received a photograph of the accomplice to this crime who was spotted at the scene but has not yet been caught, if you see the offender, police are warning the public not to approach him, but call dog nappers on 1234-567-890.

Readers Letter:

Your reader who complained about people grooming pets should be on the sex offenders list should keep his nose out of our dogs business. I can assure you we at Kens Kennels do not abuse our dogs well not those under 16 at least.

Peter Phile. Nottingham

I write regarding you article on nosey neighbours. It saddens me to read that one cannot occasionally peer through a neighbour’s bathroom window for fear of being denounced as nosy these days. Surely something should be done about people who telephone the police about such innocuous practices.

Mr Harry Feltch, Primrose Hill.

With the country in yet another Foot & Mouth epidemic surely the question should be asked, why do we allow these animals to have feet and mouths in the first place?

Dr Brian Krank, Professor of Hybrid Genetics, Oxford University.

Police In 70's Porn Dog Row

British police dog handlers are learning to give orders to their animals in German after bosses had to import animals because of a local shortage. Unfortunately some have had to be returned to Germany as they only understand 1970's German porn quotes. The German police are currently looking into the business practices of one of the kennels who have supplied three of the dogs to the Barkshire police.