Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy?

Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy For The British Public?

After the court case this week in Blackpool in which a 30 year old woman was charged with committing a sex act as well as urinating on the town’s war memorial The Rank News investigates the hidden truth behind an alarming trend.

A rise in public disorder arrests involving British war memorials has brought the all to often question are our monuments just too sexy for their own good?

“I saw its long phallic shape and had the urge to give my man a blowy”, announced Margaret Jones.

“You just don’t realise how damned sexy these monuments can be. I wouldn’t normally do such a thing but I have noticed for weeks prior to the incident that I had the urge to get horny every time I walked past my local monument. It was almost like it was daring me to get low down and dirty with it!”

Dr Ken Stott, a leading expert has confirmed that more and more incidents like this are mostly likely to occur given the amount of alcohol the British public consume and the tall phallic shapes of most of the monuments around the country.

“Sexual acts in public areas have always been reported and it is certainly not the modern day trend some make it out to be I can assure you. However, the latest incidents show that urinating and sexual acts appear to be on the rise. One has to wonder if such incidents are not down to the outright sexiness of the tall penile shape that the majority of such monuments are given by their designers.”

Miss Jones has apologised for the incident but has not ruled out any similar lewd acts taking place in the future. “I blame all those people who died. If it wasn’t for them having a monument to their sacrifice I wouldn’t be in the mess I am right now!”

Blackpool police have denied that a large condom will be placed over the monument in order to keep it clean should any further incidents take place.

Piers Morgan's To Star In Britain's Got No Driving Talent

Britain's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan has said he deserved a "God damn good thrashing from the courts" after being fined for speeding in Brighton.

The 45-year-old was caught by a fixed speed camera in Preston Road on 13 November doing 51mph in a 30mph zone. It happened after he had judged a so called talent contest at a school in the city.

He was convicted on Tuesday at Brighton Magistrates' Court, fined £666 and had six points added to his licence. He was also ordered to pay £58 costs for being a smug bastard and after pleading guilty by post as his head was too big to get in the court room.

School contest

Mr Morgan had appeared at the independent, all-girls Roedean School alongside newsreader Katie Derham. In a statement he said: "I was judging a charity show called Roedean's Got Talent and guess my blood was up after being surrounded by so many ladies. I just wanted to get home as I hadn't had the chance to look at myself in a full length mirror all day.

A Sussex Police spokesman said: "The vehicle he was driving was doing 51mph in a 30mph zone, above our threshold for issuing a fixed penalty notice. The spokesman confirmed it was only by good fortune that an office wasn't around to issue the notice in person or they may have still been standing at the side of the road now. We do not get paid enough in this job as it is but listening to Mr Morgan would have been the straw that may have broke the camels back.

Rumours of a spin off driving version of the incident, "Britain's Got No Driving Talent" may be in the pipeline. However, it is not quite certain who will present the show. Due to the size of the ego the presenter would need to fill Piers Morgan's boots it could be sidelined for some time to come an industry insider stated.

G20 Police Recruitment Poster Withdrawn After Error Found

Dog Report Urges Healthy Breeding

The Global News Terrorists At The Movies

I know what you're thinking. "Did he eat six or only five?"
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a £1.80 Magnum, the creamiest ice cream in the world, and would blow your mind with one lick, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

New Robocop movie runs into budget difficulties

Man Admits Having Sex With Cars

Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla ( who he claims has a tight exhaust), insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways. "I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful. He added: "I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference. Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men. But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

Smith Pledges More Terror Police

Armed Police Have Bird Killer In Their Sights

It has been reported that the Fazackerley Bird Killer was at long last captured by Merseyside Police yesterday morning.

For nearly six months now police have been on a wild goose chase across a suburb of Liverpool trying to capture the mass murderer of countless hundreds of law abiding pigeons and other common a garden birds. A nation wide man hunt had been underway for some time but without much to go on. However, a call to Crime Stoppers alerted the police to a possible suspect.

There has been strong information passed to our editorial team that has thrown up the possibility that the same killer may have been part of the conspiracy to kill JFK way back in November 1963. New evidence has come to light that kitty-litter was found behind the fence on the grassy knoll. Tomorrow The Global News Terrorists asks –

Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone or did the Kitty-Litter Killer have a paw in the whole sordid act?

Fugitive Kitten Gives Himself Up To Armed Police