Americans To Turn To God For Guidance Over Health Care Issue

New Car/Movie Tie In To Be Scrapped

President Obama To Host Palestinian Israeli Talks

US Army To Pull Out Of Iraq But One Platoon May Have To Fight On A Little Longer

US Military confirms that a full withdrawal from Iraq is imminent. After 5 years of often intense fighting it looks like a withdrawal will happen sooner rather than later. The current conflict has entered an important stage, Pentagon sources have confirmed.

However, it has come to light that after a mix up with military orders a full platoon has been fighting in and around a Tie Rack Shop at an undisclosed Arab airport. Due to the nature of military intelligence and the insistence of using "need to know" orders one platoon has been left stranded at the airport for the last 6 months unaware of the mix up.

Captain Lance Armstrong confirmed that they have been under constant attack particularly during the Christmas period when a half price sale on floral and paisley ties was announced. President Obama would not comment on the recent disclosure but did say they are trying to tie up all loose ends to ensure all military personnel are repatriated back to American soil.

Guantamino Bay Earmarked For New Tourist Attraction Denial

Fairground groupie Sandy Brown, Idaho, upon hearing about the news confirmed, " I am looking forward to the new Waterboard themed ride everyone is talking about but not quite happy about the funny coloured boiler suites we may have to wear!"

The owners of the new attraction Continental Importers Attractions would not confirm nor deny that the rumours are true or not. Former President George Bush was unavailable to comment on rumours of his possible ownership of shares in the new look for the former guest resort.

NASA Denies Making Cutbacks To Space Program Due To Credit Crunch

On General Release Now

No Ghosts, "So We Didn't Order Porn"

A local newspaper in America, The Gwinnett County Herald reported on Friday a curious case indeed. A local couple, Elijah and Davina Crankier got a bit of a shock when they opened their cable television bill to find they had been charged for a dozen pornographic movies they claim they had never ordered.

Mr Crankier was insistent that something was amiss with their bill when it arrived just a few days ago. "It's only me and the wife living here," said Elijah. "There's no kids, there's no dog, there's no ghost that's wanting to watch this type of stuff." He confirmed.

It is reported that they had found listed on their bill films including Begging for it All and Show Momma What You Got in Your Toolbox and Anything Goes As Long As It Is Big and Wide. All had been charged to the Crankier couple over a period of 11 days.

"And to have that kind of filth listed explicitly on our bill - it made me sick," Mr Crankier said.

“It ain’t the first time neither. Why only last month we received a whole load of sex aids through the post. What would I want with a butt plug, a gelding irons or a 12' black dildo? For god’s sake we are Christians and we Christians don’t use such things on ourselves, well at least not when we have farm animals around.”

Mrs Crankier was unable to confirm if she was able to clear the matter up for the local reporter. The couple have since complained to the cable company and are waiting to find out if in fact they will be reimbursed with charges for the films credited to their account.

US Governments Bail-Out Plan Hits A Snag

Bush Denies Fannie Mae And Freddie Mac Hit America As Hard As Previously Thought

If McCain Wins The Election?

Gun Dog Becomes Bum Dog

A man in America was charged with having sex with a dead dog, in full view of a day care centre. Jeremy Bassett, a 23 year old from Michigan, is charged with “crimes against nature” after he was allegedly seen engaging in anal sex with the corpse of a dead dog. The dead dog which had been reported to the police four days earlier was waiting to be removed from the sidewalk when the incident happened.

Mr Bassett allegedly pulled up in his car and in full view of the day care centre removed his pants and started humping the cadaver. Mr Bassett appeared to be enjoying the Cocker Spaniel so much; he didn’t notice the day care staff watching from their window. Just as he looked to be reaching a moment of ecstasy the police turned up in a patrol car.

We spoke to Miss Wainright from the day care centre who witnessed the alleged incident. “I was in the staff rest room washing my cup in the staff room sink when I noticed a strange person standing over the corpse of the dog in the road. He seemed to be acting strangely so I asked my colleague Mr Rimmer to come and watch what was happening. Just as Mr Rimmer came to the window the man dropped his pants and knelt down behind the cadaver and proceeded to thrust his manhood into the bum of the dog. We watched for a few minutes in utter shock as the man pleasured himself on the animal. The next thing a patrol car turned up but the suspect seemed oblivious to this. When he eventually realised that the two patrolmen where walking towards him he stood up with the dog still attached and ran down the street with the two patrolmen chasing him. It was like something out of the Keystone Cops except they didn’t bugger dogs as far as I know.”

Patrolman Harry O’Hara confirmed, “We chased the suspect for two blocks but lost the trail. We spoke to witnesses who confirmed a man with a dog attached to him was seen running in the direction of a local housing project. We eventually tracked Mr Bassett down and discovered him hiding in the attic of his girlfriend’s house. It would appear that the dog belonged to his girlfriend of whom he had been grooming for sex over a 4 year period, the dog that is not the girlfriend.”

When interviewed Mr Bassett’s girlfriend declared, “I had no idea that this was happening behind my back never mind my poor dogs back. Yes sometimes I smelt dog food on his under crackers but he always said he had mopped dog food off the floor with his under crackers before putting them in the wash basket.” The trial has been pended for a later date. The dog’s corpse will be buried after the trial in order to preserve forensic evidence, i.e. finger prints and semen samples.

Great-Apescape Means Clean Sweep Of Zoo's Security

An escaped chimpanzee made herself at home, raiding a kitchen cupboard and cleaning a toilet before finally falling asleep on sedatives on top of a fridge.

Jimba, a 120lb chimp from the Little Rock Zoo in Arkansas, escaped from her enclosure on Tuesday when a keeper accidentally left the door to her sleeping quarters open.
Jimba made her way to a storage area, went into the kitchen, and started to open cupboards and go through the refrigerator where the zoo kept the chimpanzee snacks.

After binge eating on five pot noodles and a family size packet of Corn Nuts, Salsa Jalisco, which by all accounts are her favourite flavour. She also managed to swig from several bottles of juice that she managed to open. Then Jimba did what all party animals tend to do after such excess and headed to the toilet.

One of the primate keepers at the zoo, said: 'She went in the bathroom and picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. She also somehow used a toilet duck and left a nice blue tablet in the tank. Her technique was good enough to make me think she must have done it before.'
After seeing to the toilet, Jimba then went back to the kitchen and scrubbed down the fridge with a sponge. She managed to also empty the bin in the kitchen and wiped down the work tops with a household cleaner.

By this point, the zoo staff had noticed she was out. Staff at the zoo, were shocked to find Jimba in the kitchen wearing a pink tabard and yellow marigolds with pink fluffy trims. This was topped of with a yellow beehive wig with chin strap and a cigarette hanging from her mouth. Several attempts were made to sedate her – with one finally succeeding, as she fell asleep on top of the fridge with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread and in a sedated voice shouting I’m Kim not bleeding Aggie.

Jimba was apparently a house pet before she arrived at the zoo, which may explain why she feels an urge to clean things.

Zoo Keepers have denied that they have deliberately allowed Jimba to watch the top hit TV show in order to train Jimba in the art of household cleaning. Furthermore they have denied that this was because they couldn’t be bothered cleaning up themselves. However, rumours have been circulating that an orang-utan has been spotted handing out cloakroom tickets to customers as well as red panda helping customers to park their cars at the visitor’s car park.

Obama Calling The Tunes

After Bush Is Asked About His Campaign Against Terror.

Cameron In Another Bike Ride Fiasco

Recently the Conservative Leader, David Cameron gave a red faced apology for riding his bike the wrong way down a one way street whilst on his way to the House of Commons. It would appear however that this is not the first time Mr Cameron's riding skills have been called into question.

News has reached your favourite newspaper that on Mr Cameron's recent visit to America he once again disregarded road safety whilst riding his favourite bike illegally on a freeway. No charges were made but judging by the picture taken of the incident a flurry of police vehicles had to chase Mr Cameron for some time before he decided to stop.

President Bush Gets Security Personal Touch

Bush Has Another Rush To His Head

President Bush In Easter Bunny Tush Scandal

Be Afraid Be Very Afraid: Coming Soon A Global News Terrorists Exclusive Interview With President Bush