Mysterious Stains On Children's Clothing After Pop Stars Death

The Michael Jackson commemorative ice-pop was removed from stores in America today an international news agency confirmed. The ice-pop concerned which features the late stars face was removed from hundreds of stores due to complaints from parents.

Initial reports claimed that parents in the United States had complained over the irregular stains the ice-pop left on their children's clothing, Nancy Despottie from Michigan confirmed, " No end of washing with my favourite detergents could remove the stains from my young son's trousers and t-shirt after one mouthful of the Michael Jackson ice-pop."

Scientists are currently looking into the stains and will confirm their findings once full tests have been made and their findings concluded.

Children Shocked by Their Lack of Timing During Their Annual Camping Holiday.

The Hennessey children were disappointed for all the wrong reasons this year when they fell asleep during the long journey to summer camp. Mr and Mrs Hennessey were shocked at the outcome of the journey when all three children failed to ask “Are we there yet?”

“Brian and I take it in turns to drive the motor home to the camping site during the 60 mile journey. As such this leaves one of us to sit in the back of our motor home to try and entertain the children whilst the other drives. I have to admit we were both dreading this year’s trip as last year’s was a nightmare to say the least. We were shocked however, when all three fell asleep within minutes of our journey starting. The silence was bliss after all we have suffered so much over the years making this journey we were expecting the worst.” Mrs Hennessey confirmed.

The Hennessey’s children were moping about near a playground due to their lost opportunity to irritate their mum and dad some hours after arriving at their destination. Mary, Billy and Clive did however give up five minutes of their valuable sulking time to express their feelings on the matter. Clive who is the youngest of the children but the spokesperson all the same bemoaned the lack of action during the trip. “I think they may have put something in our drinks as we are normally wide awake and enjoy ourselves irritate our parents. All is not lost as I don’t think they are aware yet but I tied Trixie our pet dog to the motor home just as we were leaving for the trip. Let’s see who will be smiling when they discover the mess at the back of the vehicle!”

Looks like another enjoyable family outing is to be had by mum and dad this year.

NASA Confirms Child Pleasing Experiment To Commence

President Obama, keen to dispel rumours that he is doing nothing but sitting on his ass, was pleased to announce that once the crew on space shuttle Atlantis has completed its work repairing the arm of the Hubble telescope it will carry out an important experiment that could benefit the world. NASA he confirmed will conduct the first magnifying glass experiment from space on ants

The space station which is currently orbiting at a height of 560km (350 miles) above the Earth will extend its arm whilst holding a specially designed magnifying glass in front of the glare of the sun. It will then deflect the powerful solar rays on to a specially selected ant hill in a field near Hawk Springs, Wyoming.

Local school bully and prolific executor of insects, George Wellington has welcomed the news. “It’s about time the government decided to step in and help me rid the world of these pests. For far too long now I have been accused of torture on a wide scale by local animal and insect lovers. I am glad I know can say I have both the government and President Obama’s blessing with my pogrom of violence.”

We left George to continue making his ant soup near a ditch by his front lawn as he spat in the face of an eight year old boy with ginger hair, bucked teeth and seven fingers on each hand.

President Obama confirmed that it was every little child’s dream to go into space and more so to kill god damn ants.
Former President, George W Bush refused to comment when asked what he thought about the use of such superior technology against a vastly inferior opponent.

New Event Rumoured For London Olympics

Olympic officials have denied rumours that the next children's Olympics in London will introduce a new event, the 1,000 metre stare.

Competitors from around the world in the 9 to 16 age group will compete for the traditional gold, silver and bronze medals whilst they compete against each other whilst being subjected to intense home truths about the state of their bedrooms, homework, general lack of cleanliness and social functionality etc

Abraham Gosling, Buckinghamshire who has been picked by his parents and teaching staff at his school, to compete in the Olympics had the following to say about the new event.
“To be honest I am not sure why I have been picked and I don’t really care. What is it for again?”

Sandra Keating, whose 12 year old daughter Storm was happy to talk about the future competition, “I feel very confident about the new event, Storm has been in training since she was 8 years of age. Why only last week I talked to Storm over the state of her bedroom which went on for a good 10 to 20 minutes. Her lack of interest in what I had to say or the state of her bedroom resulted in at least an 800 metre stare over my left shoulder. In fact it was so intense I thought I had something growing out of the side of my head. If anyone is ready for the next Olympics I feel Storm is. We could be looking at the next British Olympic Gold Medallist.”

Children's Games That Just Didn't Sell?

American Missile Launch Kills Santa On Trial Run

Unofficial reports are coming in that NORAD (North American Aerospace Defence Command) has shot down Santa during one of his many trial runs using one of its defence missiles, possibly a heat seeking missile. Situated in a tunnel driven 3km (1.9 miles) inside Cheyenne Mountain, this facility was designed to track incoming Soviet missiles and aircraft during the Cold War.

NORAD, for many years now have also been tracking Santa on their satellite system, via the internet for children across the world. Santa's progress is tracked; it has been officially stated due to Rudolph the reindeer's famous nose giving off an infrared signature similar to a missile launch. On this occasion it would seem all has gone wrong.

As such they have refused to comment on the possible destruction of Father Christmas due to the distress such an accident, if true, could have upon the children of the world.

Reports are hazy at the moment but it is believed that American High Command may have mistook Santa and his sleigh as a proto-type war head which was allegedly supplied to Al Qaeda by the Iranian Government due to a glitch in their defence system.

Further reports are coming in that debris has been sighted over an undisclosed area which mainly consists of burned plastic and cardboard, presumably toys and twisted lumps of metal possibly from Santa’s sleigh. In North America a group of children have been reported to have been spotted carrying a severed reindeers head aloft in a ritualistic ceremony. Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin has denied that this is Rudolph’s head. However, due to the nose of the creature having been removed, these reports, as yet remain unsubstantiated.

The World media holds its collective breath and their front pages in readiness for the truth as it unfolds. The possible backlash from parents and more importantly children is immeasurable at this time. President Bush, it is believed has already been removed to an undisclosed bunker a Pentagon source has confirmed.

Received This Today And Felt I Should Share It With You All

Dear all,

I don't normally make a habit of forwarding charity e-mails, but this seemed to be a particularly good cause.

Mute Tourettes Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourettes Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in it's consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourettes has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourettes suffers the opposite fate, and is unable to express their true feelings because they cannot speak.

There is, however, an answer. A great deal has been achieved by the Mute Tourettes Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However, their work can only continue with your help. Just £1.37 will help keep a child supplied with crayons for a whole day. £5 will provide them with enough paper for a week.

Please see below what your donation could help them achieve.

Summit Pledge To 'Restore Growth'

Global leaders at the G20 financial summit in Washington have pledged to work together to restore global growth.

President George Bush said that he assumed these small children would grow taller with age but it looks like the world will have to step in and help. Mr Bush confirmed that the United States would be in it for the long stretch.

Large Spider Makes Children Celebrate More

Liverpool woke to the sight of a large spider suspended off the side of one of its city centre buildings yesterday. The mechanical spider was created to help celebrate the 2008 European City Of Culture.

We asked a group of local children if they were impressed by the large spider.

Gary a local boy said " It has mate. Because of that large spider I am now smoking more and drinking more."



By Lance Spelling

Gary Glitter In Childrens Games Sickener

Convicted Paedophile Gary Glitter has announced he wishes to be cremated upon his death. He then wishes to have his ashes placed in a children's drawing game. When asked why, he confirmed it was because he wanted children to carry on playing with him long after he had passed away.

FATHER CHRISTMAS ARRESTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

JUSTICE SOUGHT FOR MONSTER WHO MASSACRED THE DREAMS OF MILLIONS OF CHILDREN.

“I am surprised he actually existed” Fred, Stoke on Trent.

“Where’s my bike” Joe, London

“I want my pony” Shirley, Birmingham.

By SLAP

Rubik's Cube Has ParentsPuzzled

The Japanese teenager who won the Rubik's Cube World Championships in Hungary's capital, Budapest, taking less than 13 seconds to finish the cult '80s puzzle. Has been toppled from his world record by a baby not due to be born until 8 weeks time. The baby who has not yet been given a name by its parents managed the amazing fete 2 days after Yu Nakajima, 16, took home 5,000 euros (£3,400, $7,000) after winning the main event of the three-day tournament.

Nearly 300 contenders from 33 countries tried their hands - and feet - at the puzzle, some completing it blindfolded. The record set by Mr Nakajima now appears to be in tatters.
The soon to be born baby whose parents live in Leeds managed the world record by mistake. Its mother Maureen Sprout was playing with a keyring sized Rubik’s cube in her house when by accident she swallowed the small toy in a freak incident whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle show. Mrs Sprout informed Global News Terrorrists how it all happened.

“I was watching my favourite TV. programme, the Jeremy Kyle show, weekdays at 1.30. I was listening intensely to the problem the couple on the show were having. It was something about his wife walking in on him whilst he was grooming the family dog. Anyway when Jeremy asked the couple if the husband was coming between the wife and the dog I coughed and somehow swallow the key-ring toy in the process. I tried to pass it through natural means but nothing happened. It was only when I went for my second scan with my husband that we could see our baby playing with the Rubik’s Cube. After about 9.5 seconds it had managed to complete the cube. I cannot believe our baby is a record breaker even before it is born. Since the record breaking event we have been inundated by media and television programmes asking for us to appear on their shows.”

We asked Mrs Sprout if their nearly born baby had managed to complete any other of Mr Erno Rubik’s games? “Well we did think that it had been trying to do the Rubik Snake but we realised that it was a mistake. I have since been informed by the hospital that I have a rather large tapeworm in my stomach. We are planning to go on Jeremy Kyle’s show once the babies new found fame gets in the way of my husbands and my sex life.”

Hungarian architect Erno Rubik invented the cube in Hungary in 1974. More than 300 million cubes have been sold since. Mr Rubik, 63, made a rare public appearance upon hearing of this amazing achievement. "The cube has 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 possible configurations – So I’ll be buggered as to how a baby from Leeds managed to complete it.”

Paediatricians Are This Years Paedophiles

The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Harold Armstrong has today called on Prime Minister Gordon Brown to put an end to the number of Paediatricians allowed to roam our streets.

The police commissioner has once again asked the question that all right minded citizens of this country have been asking for sometime now, Remove these paediatricians from society.

Commissioner Armstrong said, "For too many years now the government has turned a blind eye to what has been at the core of the breakdown in the moral standards of the country. Too many of “these people”, have been allowed to walk amongst us for far too long now. Many have been allowed to gain key positions to which they have been able to manipulate to their own nefarious ends. The very foundation of Britain’s society will continue to crumble the longer these people are allowed to have contact with our children."

Our man on the street Albert Fish, spoke to Ken Stott, a leading activist of the current protests that are garnering greater support each and every day. “For far longer than I can possible recall paediatricians have been allowed to have access to young children Often enough children are left alone with these people without parental supervision. This is surely playing into paediatricians hands for want of a better phrase."

Mr Stott went on to also say, "The medical records of children which give both private and personal information are at easy reach of any practicing paediatrician. A few years ago the media laughed when a protest against paedophiles was shown across the world and protesters had, in the media’s eyes, attacked an office of a paediatrician instead of paedophile. Mark my word this was not a case of misguided illiterates. This pernicious attack was perpetuated by a group of visionaries. They could see if they did not act when they did these paediatricians would continue to walk our streets without fear.”

The Medical Council have asked for calm and that the general public should not be influenced by such inflammatory words. Dr Angus Dutton spoke to our reporter briefly between running a gauntlet of abuse and numerous foreign missiles. “People have to realise that without paediatricians people would not be able to be treated if and when sick. Paediatricians are being blamed for a great many things when in fact they should be praised not abused. I overheard someone the other day saying that you never use to hear of Paediatricians years ago but now they are everywhere. Of course you didn’t hear of them years ago that’s because they were merely described as doctors.”

The flames of anger and protest are being fanned by those who wish to rid this country of paediatricians. The Global News Terrorists refuse to be drawn on the matter but surely the people of this country need to have their questions answered?

What do you think? Paediatricians – Hug them or Burn them?
Ring our higher rate phone line and give your opinion.
0800 890909807609

Birthday Cake Causes Parents To Berate

Authorities in New Zealand have caused some controversy due to their plans to stop children eating Birthday Cake whilst in school. Parents have lambasted the idea that this ban will help to ensure that school children will eat more healthily. Protest is garnering a great deal of support across the country from a wide range of people. Parents at St Michael’s junior school have however, denied that it was they that had hired the balloon seen flying over the school yesterday afternoon.

David Cameron In Party Logo Fiasco

David Cummerbund Leader of the Conservative Party has come under fire from his party after it was claimed that a family friends son was paid a quarter of a million for designing the Conservative Parties new logo. The traditional logo which was been replaced for some months now depicted an outstretched blue arm holding a torch with the colours of the union jack like flames burning from it. However, the new logo has come under close scrutiny due to its minimalist look of a child like tree with green scribbled leaves above a hastily coloured blue tree trunk.

A top ranking Conservative MP, Harrington-Carrington of Barrington-On-Sea wrote in the Times:-

“It has been commented in the party that a child has in fact drawn this logo. I must admit no professional artist would produce anything as infantile as this. If it is proven to be true, I think it is despicable that a leader would garner extra income in such a way. To possibly use a child in these matters would be deplorable and to then have the party pay for the privilege would be beyond belief. However, I am sorry that I never thought of it myself. One of my children could have easily done a similar picture with their foot never mind their hand. That’s if they still had feet or hands that is, nasty accident, best not to mention it.”

One MP from the Labour back benches commented, “ Perhaps the tree represents Mr Cummerbunds lack of manhood and that his party are waiting for their leaders conkers to drop to see if he is a real man?”

The Conservative Leader would not be drawn on the subject as the child concerned had not returned from nursery school when we put the question to him.

First Children Pledge Allegiance In Britain

Governement Under Fire Over Allegiance Pledge

Children should swear an oath of allegiance to enhance a shared sense of citizenship, ministers propose. However the government has suffered the wrath of the Queen as the government stated last week that they shouldn't have to necessarily pledge allegiance to the queen. It is felt they should instead pledge allegiance to something they actually believe in, So McDonald's and Burger King it is then.

A Smack In The Face For Children

A school has been accused of taking political correctness too far after it allowed its young pupils to be photographed whilst in the possession of the illegal drug Ecstasy in the classroom. The controversial picture was produced for a school newsletter recently. Many parents have complained about the matter to Parent Governors Association as they deem the pictures upsetting and political madness gone wrong. We were unable to speak to any of the teachers at the school concerned but did manage to by a small quantity of drugs outside the school grounds after 3.30pm.

The head teacher at the school concerned in Crew has denied that Smack has been freely given to children on a daily basis albeit for those who have been naughty in the classroom.

New Blue Tongue Decease Hitting British Farmers is Marketing Ploy?

British farmers deny blue tongue is a new decease but is in fact super juicy sweets that are leaving a giving the blue tongue to their animals.

A local farmer, Mr Ted Frottage explained to our paper today. “What with the recent spate of foot and mouth epidemics across the country it’s turning into a very poor year indeed. No one likes to see good livestock being slaughtered like this. Well not unless we farmers are doing it and at a good price that is. These sweet manufacturers just do not understand the misery they are causing to poor farm folk. I say shoot the lot of them, the sweet manufacturers that is, not the animals.”

Makers of the tongue twisting sweets denied that they have secretly been infiltrating the countries farms and offering sweets to unsuspecting animals. Mr Harold Bishop a spokes person for Cavity & Cavity, who make “Super Juicy Sweets”, gave a press briefing today.

“I would like to dispute these scandalous claims in the press an farming world. Cavity & Cavity has never had its reputation called in to question before. We shall be talking to our solicitors on the matter.”

Never scared to confront large organisations or to run away from asking searching questions. We allowed a rival newspaper to ask the following questions in case we get sued.

Mr Bishop was asked if he denied the company he represents had not previously tried to sell controversial sweets to children before. Sweets, that looked like ecstasy tablets as well as sherbet in 10p wraps outside school playgrounds. He was also asked if they had tried to sell a quantity of life sized jelly shotguns to 6-10 year olds in the Manchester Area recently.

Mr Bishop looking rather perplexed replied that this was in the hands of the police and the CPS and so could not comment further. He did however respond that in the 100 years of Cavity & Cavity’s existence they have never worried sheep and other livestock. Therefore he stated they should not now be accused of putting things in animal’s mouths that could leave a bitter taste.

The Crown Prosecution Service said that they along with the police are fully investigating these matter. Unfortunately due to most of the victims being animals they do not think they will be able to get much from any of the victims.