Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy?

Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy For The British Public?

After the court case this week in Blackpool in which a 30 year old woman was charged with committing a sex act as well as urinating on the town’s war memorial The Rank News investigates the hidden truth behind an alarming trend.

A rise in public disorder arrests involving British war memorials has brought the all to often question are our monuments just too sexy for their own good?

“I saw its long phallic shape and had the urge to give my man a blowy”, announced Margaret Jones.

“You just don’t realise how damned sexy these monuments can be. I wouldn’t normally do such a thing but I have noticed for weeks prior to the incident that I had the urge to get horny every time I walked past my local monument. It was almost like it was daring me to get low down and dirty with it!”

Dr Ken Stott, a leading expert has confirmed that more and more incidents like this are mostly likely to occur given the amount of alcohol the British public consume and the tall phallic shapes of most of the monuments around the country.

“Sexual acts in public areas have always been reported and it is certainly not the modern day trend some make it out to be I can assure you. However, the latest incidents show that urinating and sexual acts appear to be on the rise. One has to wonder if such incidents are not down to the outright sexiness of the tall penile shape that the majority of such monuments are given by their designers.”

Miss Jones has apologised for the incident but has not ruled out any similar lewd acts taking place in the future. “I blame all those people who died. If it wasn’t for them having a monument to their sacrifice I wouldn’t be in the mess I am right now!”

Blackpool police have denied that a large condom will be placed over the monument in order to keep it clean should any further incidents take place.

World Plastering Championships Ruined By Rain

The Worlds first plastering championships held in London was almost ruined after a heavy downpour of rain. Over 2400 people turned up to watch the event but ended up covered in plaster themselves.  Michelle lock who attended said " once the rain started the event went into chaos i will now have to go home looking like i have taken part in some bukkaki. When i got back to my car it looked like a plasterers radio". 

Woman Admitted To Hospital With Severe Carpet Burns After 12 Hour Sex Session

Man Caught In Sex Act With Picnic Table

An American man is facing public indecency charges after allegedly being filmed having sex with a picnic table. The alleged incident took place near a school in broad daylight in the town of Bellevue in Ohio. The neighbour, who remains anonymous, said he saw Mr Price in his garden turning over a round metal tale before performing a sex act upon it. Local Police Captain Matt Johnson said: "He was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table. "Mr Price, 40, will now face up to four charges of public indecency.
Brice Jacobs, another neighbour, told local reporters he was disgusted that Mr Price was not jailed immediately. "He could do that again," the website of local television station WTOL11 quoted him as saying. "Nude that close to a school. It should be zero tolerance"Mr Price is understood to be married with three school aged children. Local police said they had never encountered a similar case. "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around," Cpt Johnson said.The alleged picnic sex incident is the latest in a series of bizarre sex stories, with people getting caught in the act with inanimate objects.

Panda Research Causes Knee Jerk Reactions

China's notoriously sex-shy pandas are being put through a rigorous "Sexercise" programme in a new effort to encourage them to mate, state media reported on Tuesday.

It was confirmed that a Panda Breeding and Research Centre in the south-western province of Sichuan is making male pandas walk on their two legs to strengthen their pelvic and hip muscles, to better prepare them for sex. The move, which is achieved by luring male pandas up with an apple, looks remarkably like a dance routine and is aimed to boost the animal's sexual stamina. At one stage it had also been reported that a multi-gym had been installed at the centre to encourage further strengthening of muscles for the panda populace.

Giant pandas are known to be sexually inactive, but the new measure follows several other initiatives taken to try and encourage breeding, including the recently reviewed panda pornography in your favourite magazine. The quirky measures aim to ensure the survival of one of the world's most endangered animals.

The rigorous regime of exercise has caused some concern however in the Panda compound. Just recently a handful of muscle bound panda’s had been sighted at the research centre sniffing their own armpits and flexing their muscles in exhibition type poses and in the tiniest of thongs. Two of the pandas concerned have also been found to be taking banned steroids. The side affects of these substances as is well documented, can result in the shrinking not only of the pandas libido but also its manhood too. A halt to some of the activities has been called for by leading experts for fear of rapidly increasing the demise of the panda population.

On a happier note however, more than 30 percent of pandas at the base in Chengdu can now have sex naturally, compared to just 10 percent a decade ago, according to the report. A steroid watch has been set in place at the research centre to ensure no further blatant acts of drug abuse take place.

Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'

A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westburyon February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency. The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".