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Panda Research Causes Knee Jerk Reactions

China's notoriously sex-shy pandas are being put through a rigorous "Sexercise" programme in a new effort to encourage them to mate, state media reported on Tuesday.

It was confirmed that a Panda Breeding and Research Centre in the south-western province of Sichuan is making male pandas walk on their two legs to strengthen their pelvic and hip muscles, to better prepare them for sex. The move, which is achieved by luring male pandas up with an apple, looks remarkably like a dance routine and is aimed to boost the animal's sexual stamina. At one stage it had also been reported that a multi-gym had been installed at the centre to encourage further strengthening of muscles for the panda populace.

Giant pandas are known to be sexually inactive, but the new measure follows several other initiatives taken to try and encourage breeding, including the recently reviewed panda pornography in your favourite magazine. The quirky measures aim to ensure the survival of one of the world's most endangered animals.

The rigorous regime of exercise has caused some concern however in the Panda compound. Just recently a handful of muscle bound panda’s had been sighted at the research centre sniffing their own armpits and flexing their muscles in exhibition type poses and in the tiniest of thongs. Two of the pandas concerned have also been found to be taking banned steroids. The side affects of these substances as is well documented, can result in the shrinking not only of the pandas libido but also its manhood too. A halt to some of the activities has been called for by leading experts for fear of rapidly increasing the demise of the panda population.

On a happier note however, more than 30 percent of pandas at the base in Chengdu can now have sex naturally, compared to just 10 percent a decade ago, according to the report. A steroid watch has been set in place at the research centre to ensure no further blatant acts of drug abuse take place.

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Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'

A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westburyon February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency. The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".

Fruity Bat Births Surprise Park Keepers

A colony of fruit bats at a wildlife park in Essex surprised their keepers with some unexpected deliveries. Staff at the Tropical Wings park in South Woodham Ferrers, near Chelmsford,thought their Egyptian fruit bat colony was made up entirely of females. But the theory was blown apart in late January when eight of the 15 bats produced babies. The park's head of mammals, Fiona Martin, said the arrival of the young bats was a "complete surprise, I honestly thought if you had sex standing up you could not get pregnant but obviously you can if you are upside down" She also added: " I would urge people not to try to replicate this practices they could have a serious accident"

Police Crime Line Offers Sex Time Instead

People calling a Michigan state police post got an unexpected telephone message about phone sex.

Calls to the Riverport post's main number were met Wednesday morning with a recorded message saying, 'Have you been naughty do you want a good dressing down? Take firm action and indulge yourself with the most exciting oral conversation imaginable.'
That was followed by a telephone number for a phone sex line.

The phones were working properly by midmorning, Sgt. Alan Ramirez said.
The mix-up was an 'internal issue that has nothing to do with the phone company' and an investigation is underway, he told the newspaper.

The man who called the emergency services number 300 times we suggest should move to Riverport and save himself the money.