Panther On The Prowl In Essex

News has reached the Global News Desk that a black panther has been sighted prowling the countryside near Essex.

An eye witness, Mrs Pauline Price spotted what appeared to be a large agile black cat walking across the fields behind her house on Sunday night. “I was hanging out my washing on Sunday when something caught my eye. After removing the over hanging branch away from my face, I spotted the terrible beast. It had terrible long fangs and its claws were horrible. It seemed to be hunting something but because of my eyesight I was unable to determine what it was. I have been scared to go out ever since and my poor dog won’t leave my side. I have even had to remove the superglue from his art box for fear of never getting him away from me. I am still waking at night thinking about it all.”

Another eye witness explained how they had to stop suddenly whilst driving home from work one night when the beast crossed the road some hundred feet away ahead of her car. The witness did not wish to be named for fear of her life. “I was driving home when all of a sudden this great beast crossed the road a head of me. I was shaken to be honest you don’t expect to see things like that happen every day. Surely its parents should have taught it the green cross code. What’s wrong with wild exotic beasts these days? They just have no respect for the Highway Code or road safety.”

A representative from the RSPCA and Essex Zoo, Mr Ken Stott, confirmed that quite a few sightings had been reported over the last few weeks. “We are working closely with the police to try and capture what is assumed to be a panther. As yet we have been not been successful. Armed response teams are on hand should any further sighting be reported to us.”

Experts believe that possibly a person bought the animal as a pet but once it became too big released it into the countryside. “All manner of exotic beats have been let loose in Britain over the years. We once had a report of a blue wale flapping about at a caravan park near Kidderminster. By the time experts got to the scene the paddling pool was empty and no sign of the wale could be found.” Mr Stott also confirmed to local press.

A picture of the beast has recently been handed to our press office and based on this we feel the general public should be careful if approached by the animal. –Ed

Policeman Kisses Rat To Death

A rat was given the kiss of life by an animal-loving policeman it has been reported in the media.
The ill rodent was spotted by PC Andrew Westlife while he was on his beat in Clacton, Essex.

“It ran out in front of me and stopped and looked up at me with its beady eyes.” PC Westlife explained. “I noticed his demeanour wasn’t quite right and so I picked him up I cocooned him in my hands and he gave a shudder and fell unconscious. I tried to revive him by blowing into his whiskered nose and rubbing his belly. I suddenly felt very attracted to the rodent and continued to stroke his lovely fur. This however, seemed to be doing more for me than the little critter.”

The rat did come around and he took it to a pet store in Clacton, Essex, but sadly it later died.
The CPS has denied they are looking into the incident to see if there is a case of charges being made under the Grooming of Under-Aged Rodents Act 1978.

P.C. Westlife has been suspended from duty whilst doctors check him for Rabies.

Fruity Bat Births Surprise Park Keepers

A colony of fruit bats at a wildlife park in Essex surprised their keepers with some unexpected deliveries. Staff at the Tropical Wings park in South Woodham Ferrers, near Chelmsford,thought their Egyptian fruit bat colony was made up entirely of females. But the theory was blown apart in late January when eight of the 15 bats produced babies. The park's head of mammals, Fiona Martin, said the arrival of the young bats was a "complete surprise, I honestly thought if you had sex standing up you could not get pregnant but obviously you can if you are upside down" She also added: " I would urge people not to try to replicate this practices they could have a serious accident"

Policeman Kisses Rat To Death

A rat was given the kiss of life by an animal-loving policeman it has been reported in the media.

The ill rodent was spotted by PC Andrew Westlife while he was on his beat in Clacton, Essex.

“It ran out in front of me and stopped and looked up at me with its beady eyes,” PC Westlife confirmed.

“I noticed his demeanour wasn’t quite right and so I picked him up I cocooned him in my hands and he gave a shudder and fell unconscious. I tried to revive him by blowing into his whiskered nose and rubbing his belly. I suddenly felt very attracted to the rodent and continued to stroke his lovely fur. This however, seemed to be doing more for me than the little critter.”

The rat did come around and he took it to a pet store in Clacton, Essex, but sadly it later died.

The CPS has denied they are looking into the incident to see if there is a case of charges being made under the Grooming of Under-Aged rodents Act 1978.

P.C. Westlife has been suspended from duty whilst doctors check him out for Rabies.

Panda Porn Causes Some Scorne

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