Torries Accused Of Fiddling Crime Statistics

Cybercrime Threat Rising Sharply

Who Ever Did The Mime Did The Crime

After last night’s television documentary “Girl in a Box”, the real life case of an American hitch hiker who was kidnapped by a family and was locked in a box for 10 years unbeknown to her family. It has been brought to our attention that this isn’t a lone case at all. Our research team have uncovered a similar case that occurred in France 5 years ago.

A 25 year old student Claude Robsphere was hitch hiking across Southern France when he accepted a lift from a lone male driver. It transpired that Claude had been picked up by a deranged mime artist. The unfortunate Claude then spent 2 years trapped in a see through prison with only an imaginary friend to communicate with.

The man was thankfully rescued from his imaginary prison cell by armed police. However, it did take a police hostage negotiator all of 2 hours to coax the victim to walk across the threshold of his imaginary cell. Mr Robsphere said “I have spent 2 years of my life trying to get out of that damned prison when I could have just walked out on my own. I just cannot believe how stupid I have been “

French police have released the following picture of the perpetrator of the crime. They have stated that he is armed and dangerous though police cannot confirm if the gun is real or a figment of their imagination.

CARTOON

The First Official CCTV Footage Of Panda Mugging Released By Police

Police at Wolverhampton have today released CCTV footage of the recent mugging that occurred at the weekend. Two teenage pandas walked up to an unsuspecting panda in broad daylight and mugged their victim. The victim who wishes to remain anonymous was left shaken after the incident. Apparently it has caused chaos with the male Pandas libido. His girlfriend remained silent on hearing this and merely shook her head.

Police investigating the crime have expressed their concern over the incident. They have asked local residence to remain vigilant and if they should see the perpetrators that they should not be approached. Wolverhampton police are currently working on a few phone calls relating to the mugging received at the Crime-Stoppers call line.

Crimefighter Jim Fixes The Burglars.

Veteran DJ Sir Jimmy Savile has added his voice to crime fighting. Sir Jimmy features in a campaign in his native Leeds where "talking signs" triggered by people walking past in the street give advice on crime prevention. Passers by will now be greeted by Sir Jimmy's distinctive voice on subjects such as: "Oi! Open doors, open windows. Burglars nick all the gear," I t has caused a little concern however, when some passers by were shouted at for wearing too much " Jewelry, jewelry, jewelry. One pensioner who wishes not to be named was left intimidated when repeatedly informed that "The band is called Showaddywaddy." The local authority running the scheme apologized and said that these minor hiccups have now been smoothed out. However, nothing has yet been confirmed of the pensioners other complaint regarding sleeping with their dead mother.