Government To Infect Citizens To Justify £1.24 Billion Costs

The Con/Lib government leader David Cameron announced yesterday that drastic measure are to be made after it was confirmed the true cost of the recent flu pandemic.

THE swine flu pandemic cost UK taxpayers £1.24billion in a “hugely expensive farce”, critics said last night.

However, a report, commissioned by the Health Department, says lessons must be learnt because another flu pandemic is inevitable. However, it concludes that the amount of money spent was justified and that it had been better to be safe than sorry.

At the height of the flu pandemic last summer, the Government warned that, in a worst-case scenario, up to 65,000 people could die. To protect the public, more than 100 million doses of a swine flu jab were ordered to provide every man, woman and child with two doses each.

A government spokesman confirmed, "In order to make sure that future pandemics are not as costly the government plans to slowly release the flu virus in the country over a six week period. This will enable the surplus supplies of drugs bought from manufacturers to be used up. Obviously we will have to allow a couple of thousand people to die first just to scare the populous. Only then we will start using the surplus vaccine stocks."

When asked which areas would be targeted for such an operation, " Well of course it would be best released in to areas of high unemployment and social deprivation so the entire North of the country."

Further measures to be introduced by Mr Cameron's government are the reintroduction of the plague and just to pacify some on the Tory back bencher's the summary burnings of witches and and errant priests.

Government Refuses To Turn Up For Work Unless Labour Party Removed from Opposition Benches First

The Nation was yesterday when the government asked that an amendment to the normal procedure for Prime Ministers question time be made.

It would appear that the Coalition Government are refusing to attend the House of Commons during Prime Ministers Question Time unless the entire opposition are removed first.

In a week of the Queen’s Speech a Downing Street spokesman said it questioned the appearance of the entire Labour Party on the opposite side of the house. “Particularly when they intend to ask questions about our policies and our intended spending cuts.”

Former spin doctor Alistair Campbell upon hearing the news was amazed at the government’s stupidity over the matter. “How can they ask such a thing? We in the Labour party have had to endure 13 years as a government looking across the house at the likes of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Soames and we didn’t complain.

Prime Minister David Cameron said he was too busy sorting out his wife’s new expensive kitchen to give a proper response to the up roar that has been caused over his government’s request.

He did add however, “I cannot see what the ruddy fuss is all about. Surely not having to look at all the nasty little toadies on the opposite side of the house isn’t too much to ask for? Anyway, cannot stop as I am still trying to work out with the Chancellor how best to slip the costs for the wife’s new kitchen in to the 6.2 Billion saving cuts.”

Daily Mail Readers Wowed By Cameron's Ability To Walk

The Daily Mail newspaper expressed its amazement today when David Cameron placed one foot in front of another and walked on solid ground. The incident occurred when the Prime Minister walked to the House of Parliament instead of taking his customary chauffeur driven car. An eyewitness who was busy taking photographs for the newspaper confirmed that Mr Cameron looked to be actually breathing the same air as normal people in the street.

Fellow pedestrians stopped in their tracks as the dashing charmer strolled the few hundred yards from Number 10 Downing Street to the Palace of Westminster. Alan Kershaw 42, from Nottingham was almost bowled over by the sight, "It was wonderful to be in London on such a wonderful occasion. Last year when I visited the capital I was only beaten up and mugged this tops everything!"

Sky News' Adam Boulton called this bold step as "the greatest act of self propulsion ever seen on British soil."

Nick Robinson, head political editor at the BBC remarked upon hearing the news,"If he carries on at this rate he will be claiming for secondary shoes on his expenses bills."

The nation holds its collective breath as to what the new Prime Minister will do tomorrow. Rumours in Whitehall are implying the Prime Minister may even be able to balance a book on his head whilst walking in a straight line. This however is as yet merely a rumour and is very unlikely to occur whilst the Prime Minister is walking to work during rush hour due to health and safety issues.

Cameron Bans Mobile Phone's At Meetings: Maybe Not

New ConLib Partnership Starts As It Means To Go On

Clegg May Sleep With Both Men To Try Them Out First

Robin Hood:Alternative Election Poster

New Conservative Election Poster Pulled

Concern Over Murdoch's Wish For Conservatives To Disband BBC

Cummerbund Condemns 10% Rise In Cider

Asked about the increase in tax on cider, Mr Cummerbund said: "The Government has made a mistake. They don't understand the West Country, they don't understand this part of our country and they've got it wrong.

"This just proves my party are the true Cider drinking political party in the Britain."

When asked if he could recall the last time he had ever tried a pint of cider Mr Cummerbund confirmed he couldn't. He did however, state that he had once seen a tramp follow thru after downing a litre of cider outside a well known London Hotel."

Meanwhile, The Wurzels' novelty hit I'm A Cider Drinker is to be used as a rallying cry for protests over Budget hikes in alcohol duty.

A campaign is under way to take the band, known for hits such as Combine Harvester, to the top of the charts to highlight the backlash against Chancellor Alistair Darling's tax increases on cider.

Mr Cummerbund has confirmed that he may be joining the Wurzel's on stage at this years Glastonbury Festival. He hopes this will further cement his true cider drinking credentials to an otherwise uninterested British Public.

Torries Accused Of Fiddling Crime Statistics

Conservative Posters Not Altered It's Claimed

Cameron: NHS My Number One Priority

The Sun No Longer Backs Gordon Brown: Other Planets Soon To Follow BBC’s Andrew Marr Confirms.

In a sudden shift of gravity the Sun newspaper has declared it no longer backs Gordon Brown and his policies. Sun readers who for years have been the cleavage between the two major political parties are up in arms over the lack of large breasted female politicians in Mr Brown’s cabinet.

The owner of the Sun newspaper, Rupert Murdoch refused to comment on the reasons behind this sudden shift in his newspapers support. However, ardent Sun reader Brendan Cole, 29 from South London had the following to say over the change. “It has been coming for a while now to be honest with you. Since he took over from Tony Blair we Sun readers have noticed a rapid decline in hot Babes not only in the Cabinet but also on Labour’s side of the House of Commons.

Andrew Marr the host of the BBC’s Sunday show confirmed he could tell this was about to happen on Sunday during his interview with the Prime Minister. “He was refusing to admit if he was on prescription drugs or not? A normal question to put to the Prime Minister as far as I am concerned! I knew then that something was about to eclipse the lack of substantial evidence I had to prove my accusations. Now to hear that the Sun has turned its back on the Prime Minister well I believe this exonerates my insistent bullying on my Sunday morning show. All it needs is for the other remaining constellations in our universe to follow suit and he’s a goner.”

The Conservative leader, David Cameron has welcomed the news with great delight. “We are after all “the party of change” and any financial help Mr Murdoch’s corporation can provide us the better. As for paying those loyal Sun readers back after we win the election, I am sure Ann Widdecombe will jump at the opportunity to appear as the first topless MP.”

Conservatives Confirm They Are The Party Of Change:

Tory Anger At 'anti-gay' Claims

David Cameron has blasted claims that the conservatives are anti-gay and has released a new publicity photo of his attending the new Bruno film. The release of the photo was to counteract the effects of video that had been released of Michal Kaminski, leader of the European Conservatives and Reformists, using a derogatory term for gay people. Mr Cameron was unable for comment on the matter but conservative central office confirmed that he would be cracking the whip but only with the whips consent.

Minister in Sex Expenses Exposure

A Labour Cabinet Minister has confirmed that he will repay £22,300 in allowances following media revelations about his secret liaisons with prostitutes.The Labour MP said he had kept to the rules but stories about how much he claimed back on whips, baby oil, love toy's and fundoms as expenses had caused a "massive blow" to his integrity and standing with voters. One Member of Parliament stated, "It would seem he was taking out more than he ever put in!"

It is the biggest amount an MP has paid back as all parties attempt to repair the damage to their reputation. The general public have been up in arms over the continuing leeks over parliamentary expenses as more and more is exposed in the media each day.

Ken Stott chairman of the parliamentary review board was dumbfounded when news broke early this morning of the as yet unconfirmed minister’s allowances bill. "There was a time when MP's would do the right thing and only claim for blow jobs, straight sex and the odd kinky S&M sessions. I am truly shocked that a minister in this day and age would foolishly claim for the likes of "Big Lube", "The Rhino Horn" and assorted sized condoms (flavoured and unflavoured). There has to be an end to all this exposure before the cracks gets so big they will never be able to fill them up again!"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Tory leader David Cameron clashed over MPs' expenses at prime ministers' questions. Both men agree the system is in need of reform but Mr Cameron - who has told his MPs they must pay back excessive claims or face the sack - said he would however, refuse to pay back the expenses he claimed on his three wheeled bike, helmet and bell as he needs them to ride to the house of parliament every day.

David Cameron's Bike Stolen Yet Again

Brown Smears - Need For Change

Conservative leader David Cameron has announced his concerns over the brown smears he has had to endure over the last couple of days. We have been notified that Mr Cameron is to seek advice as to how he can clear up the fall out from the sordid business.

"I have to admit it was a shock one minute I was laying in bed on a lovely sunny morning when suddenly these nasty Brown smears were all over the (broad) sheets. To be honest they are something I least expected particularly not whilst I was in my brand new pyjamas", Mr Cameron confirmed this morning.

Cummerbund's Trike Stolen As He Shops

Conservative leader David Cummerbund says his tricycle was stolen after he left it locked outside a supermarket while he shopped near his home in west London.
I only went in for a sherbet dab and a few gob stoppers and when I came out I found my trikey wikey was missing.