Secret Papers 30 Year Rule Reduced To 20

Brown To Unveil Labour's Election Slogan

Government Flushed Over Industrial Action

Reading, chatting, eating and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet, according to a recent survey.

The study suggests more than 14 million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines on the loo. The poll points to eight million people talking - either on the phone or to family - and one in five send texts.

TURD, the Trade Union for Rectal Dignity, have called for its members to come out on strike against the use of toilets for non faecal activity. Ken Stott speaking on behalf of his union confirmed, “For far too long now people have stopped using our affiliated members for natural purposes. The recent survey only reiterates the outcome our members have been forced to experience over the last few years. We call on the government to make a U-Bend (surly U-Turn: Ed) on its decision to allow such a travesty to escalate. An official strike will be in place from Saturday evening till Monday evening this week. All our members are in agreement and an all in strike vote was achieved with 97% of our members backing our official action.”

Doctors have called for the government to try and stem the flow of strike action over fears it may irritate the National Health Service even further than it already is. One Government Agency also expressed its fear that the expected industrial action could in fact blow up in the Prime Ministers face if not handled carefully.

Look A-Likes

Old joker back in the government again.

Prime Roasting In Car Protesting

Protest against the government’s plans to install spy devices in all motor vehicles for the purpose of charging the motorist by the mile takes a further step towards civil unrest but this time from the country set.

This very unpopular act has brought many of Britain's protestors out on the roads in protest. The initial alarm bells were sounded by the Epping Forrest Dogging Club who has been using a large network of their members to send emails to friends and families across the nation.

Mr Collimore of the Dogging Club Great Britain confirmed, "It's a disgrace that our own government is willing to tax us even further than they already do so now. Many of my members are very angry indeed and want to take action to stop the government. However, under the circumstances they wish to remain anonymous. The fact the government may soon be able to tax you via a hidden camera in your vehicles is sickening to say the least. What our members do in their cars is their business, but not literally. They are willing to come out of the fields and hedgerows of this country and advance on parliament." Mr Collimore would not confirm how many members he has seen willing to push on this matter but he did confirm it would make ones eyes bulge with the cut a thrust of the size of its members.

We asked if this meant that the other non affiliated groups and organisations that enjoy these outdoor pursuits would be coming together for the first time, to protest at such underhandedness by the government. “I doubt very much that the entire dogging community would be willing to entertain such an idea. There are far too many differences between most of the smaller clubs and groups and the bigger organisations. We are however, very willing to offer a hand of support should they wish to join us in our protest.” Mr Collimore explained.

It is obvious to an outsider looking in on the activities of these like minded groups that this is definitely something that could quite possibly explode in the face of the governments plans by such dogged opposition. Watch out Prime Minster you could be opening Pandora’s Box in your own back yard some day soon.

Governement Call Time On Whistle Blowers

Today The Global News Terrorists has taken a glance at its archives and brings you a report from way back in 1990.

1990: Secrets act gags whistle blowers.

Whistle blowers and journalists will, from today, risk criminal prosecution if they reveal information viewed as damaging to the defence of the UK.

The federation of football referees walk out in protest due to fears over their constant whistle blowing at football games. Many of the nation’s top professional referee’s have walked out due to the stress the game is putting upon them.

The head of the Federation of Referees, Arnold Ramsbottom has called for the Government to desist in their introduction of petty laws and by-laws and put in place a change to the current law that will protect his members from such draconian rules.
Mr Ramsbottom who over a 60 year career worked his way from a volunteer referee at county schools level to be the head of 20,000 strong refereeing federation world-wide. At last nights meeting Mr Ramsbottom talked openly on this crisis that is threatening to bring down his federation.

“Never in my life have I stood before my colleagues and friends at a federation meeting and had to try and explain to my members, how such a catastrophe to the game as this can or more to the point has happened, to such a well respected organisation as ours. Surely someone in power can see that in some cases whistle blowing has a place in modern society. Too many members of our federation have been stricken by this whole affair.

I have been given reports of some members who have not turned up at weekend and mid week games with excuses for why they can not attend. It is a terrible state of affairs if our members have started turning to lies and half truths to get out of a game due to fears of imprisonment for using ones whistles. Please Mr Prime Minister I implore you to think again on this terrible law and come to your senses by changing this amendment to the current law. I truly fear for this federation if nothing is done about the current situation. Far too many good referees are retiring early than they should due to this sordid affair.”

We have yet to receive an official response from the Prime Ministers office but we will keep you informed of any official statement from Downing Street as and when it happens. No confirmation has been made if the rumours are true that ASLEF, (Associated Society of Locomotive Steam Enginemen and Firemen) has called upon its members to walk out on strike over similar concerns for its member’s safety.

Deadly Inflictions Suffer Under Hospital Restrictions

For some time now hospitals have for want of a better word, dumbed down their cleaning/hygiene policy for the much cheaper practice of disregard and neglect. This cheaper policy has created a hygiene pool of tissue wasting bugs that have killed countless thousands across the country. A hospital in the South of the country has reportedly come out in the local press and denied such practices are going on. It did however concede that closer scrutiny must be made of the current standard of cleaning by its contractor. They agreed that only one cleaner per building was a little over extending itself when it came to ensuring wards where cleaned. In some cases that we have learnt of, hospitals are getting sick patients out of their beds in order that they clean their own mess up if and when accidents have occurred.

Rumours abound that hospitals are now turning away patients who are not carrying the hospital bug (MRSA) or its cousin the super bug (CDIFF). A hospital spokesman for the Essex Health Authority categorically denied such slanderous rumours. “We can assure you that this is positively not the case. And no I am not crossing my fingers behind my back I merely have an itch.” The spokesman would not answer any other questions but to reconfirm the health authorities continuing stance.

News of this alleged exclusion of other known diseases has reached the head of the biggest medical union in Britain. The Allied Institute of Diseases of the Sick (A.I.D.S.) confirmed that its members are very alarmed indeed by the current policy in our hospitals. Mr H Pylori, head of the union spoke out strongly about this current trend.

“I would like to make it clear that our union members are very angry by these turn of events. It is true that some of our colleagues have been getting turned away by hospitals as they are not deemed worthy enough to set foot on hospital grounds. Only yesterday an amalgamated branch of ours in Surrey made up of Ecoli, Hepatitis B and C and strains of pneumonia were turned away for not being deadly enough. In another case in Devon some of our members were also refused entry just because they were from the Legionnaires, cholera and typhoid families of diseases. This exclusion in British hospitals should be stopped before the current monopoly by these trendier diseases gets too strong to stop. We ask the Government to step in open up our dirty wards to normal diseases like our membership.”

The Global News Terrorists asked the Health Minister to comment on the chaos weakening the once proud health service. The Health Minister was unfortunately unavailable to answer our searching questions. It would appear to all in the Health Service that when it comes to infectious diseases the Health Minister tends to wash his hands of such matters.

Paediatricians Are This Years Paedophiles

The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Harold Armstrong has today called on Prime Minister Gordon Brown to put an end to the number of Paediatricians allowed to roam our streets.

The police commissioner has once again asked the question that all right minded citizens of this country have been asking for sometime now, Remove these paediatricians from society.

Commissioner Armstrong said, "For too many years now the government has turned a blind eye to what has been at the core of the breakdown in the moral standards of the country. Too many of “these people”, have been allowed to walk amongst us for far too long now. Many have been allowed to gain key positions to which they have been able to manipulate to their own nefarious ends. The very foundation of Britain’s society will continue to crumble the longer these people are allowed to have contact with our children."

Our man on the street Albert Fish, spoke to Ken Stott, a leading activist of the current protests that are garnering greater support each and every day. “For far longer than I can possible recall paediatricians have been allowed to have access to young children Often enough children are left alone with these people without parental supervision. This is surely playing into paediatricians hands for want of a better phrase."

Mr Stott went on to also say, "The medical records of children which give both private and personal information are at easy reach of any practicing paediatrician. A few years ago the media laughed when a protest against paedophiles was shown across the world and protesters had, in the media’s eyes, attacked an office of a paediatrician instead of paedophile. Mark my word this was not a case of misguided illiterates. This pernicious attack was perpetuated by a group of visionaries. They could see if they did not act when they did these paediatricians would continue to walk our streets without fear.”

The Medical Council have asked for calm and that the general public should not be influenced by such inflammatory words. Dr Angus Dutton spoke to our reporter briefly between running a gauntlet of abuse and numerous foreign missiles. “People have to realise that without paediatricians people would not be able to be treated if and when sick. Paediatricians are being blamed for a great many things when in fact they should be praised not abused. I overheard someone the other day saying that you never use to hear of Paediatricians years ago but now they are everywhere. Of course you didn’t hear of them years ago that’s because they were merely described as doctors.”

The flames of anger and protest are being fanned by those who wish to rid this country of paediatricians. The Global News Terrorists refuse to be drawn on the matter but surely the people of this country need to have their questions answered?

What do you think? Paediatricians – Hug them or Burn them?
Ring our higher rate phone line and give your opinion.
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First Children Pledge Allegiance In Britain

Governement Under Fire Over Allegiance Pledge

Children should swear an oath of allegiance to enhance a shared sense of citizenship, ministers propose. However the government has suffered the wrath of the Queen as the government stated last week that they shouldn't have to necessarily pledge allegiance to the queen. It is felt they should instead pledge allegiance to something they actually believe in, So McDonald's and Burger King it is then.

Government In Spin Over Sweet Mix Up

After the recent upsurge in British people being bedridden by the Norovirus the Department of Health has issued guidelines for anyone who is suffering from the disease. Basically do not go to a hospital or your doctor’s surgery, as you are not welcome. Unfortunately an influx of callers to the NHS Direct phone line has been due to yet another mix up by someone within the health minister’s office.

It has been reported by a very good source that a junior civil servant has issued a warning and guidelines about the Norovirus but has inadvertently added a picture of a very popular blue liquorice sweet and not the Norovirus as they should have done.

Mr David Cummerbund the Conservative Leader has asked for a full enquiry over the matter. "It is bad enough that we have been subjected to shoddy practices from Mr Drab Brown’s government over his short period in office. But to now imply that the nations favourite sweeties are linked to outbreaks of sickness and diarrhoea it is terrible. Surely no one in their right mind could say liquorice could leave them with a sick tummy wummy? "

No response as yet has been made by the Health Department but the junior civil servant by all accounts had called in this morning with a virus. One jovial wit at the Houses of Parliament was overheard to say that the Health Department “Takes Allsorts these days.”

Brown Condemnes Uniform Abuse Near RAF Base

Prime Minister Gordon Brown condemned Uniform Abuse at RAF Base in Cambridge today. Some locals it would appear have taken umbrage at the recent state of some of the uniforms worn by young RAF recruits. Squadron Leader, Horatio Bracegirdle confirmed that his men have been subject to verbal abuse by some locals but passed this of as a one off incident as it was just some of the village people expressing their feelings over the war.

Down On The Farm

Winnie the pig joins farmers outside Downing St, London. Pig Farmers gathered to protest against supermarket price rises on pork products.

MP's Back Badger Cull Shock To Apprentice Finalist

MPs have backed calls for a limited cull of badgers to help prevent the spread of TB in cattle.

A report by the environment select committee says the action should be focused on TB hotspots and form part of a package of control measures.

This has come as a shock to Miss Ruth Badger who appeared in The Apprentice series 2. Ruth got into the last two, but, in spite of a good performance in the final programme did not manage to win.

" I haven't even got TB so why they should be looking to cull me I really do not understand. Do you think it may be because I am from Wolverhampton? As for cows i do know a few sick cows but who doesn't like a rude joke every now and then?" Miss Badger asked to waiting journalists outside of her Wolverhampton home.

The Environment Agency have not yet confirmed if Wolverhampton is one of the hotspots mentioned in its recent report.

Let's Hope It Doesn't Go To The House Of Lords

Blasphemy law 'may be abolished'
Ministers signal they may seek to repeal the law of blasphemy in a move to head off a rebellion by Labour MPs.

Weapon's of Mass Destruction In Kindergarten Construction

The manual, written by two former employees of the Danish plastic-brick firm, is a big hit in the US.The authors of Forbidden LEGO: Build the Models Your Parents Warned You Against promise "you'll learn to create working models that LEGO would never endorse".

The authors added: "Try your hand at a toy gun that shoots LEGO plates, a candy catapult, a high voltage LEGO vehicle."Or a continuous fire ping-pong ball launcher, and other useless but incredibly fun inventions."

And it has become a surprise hit with Americans, shooting up the Amazon sales charts. But in Britain, there has been concern about the effect the book may have on children.The Daily Telegraph had dubbed the tome "the Anarchist Cookbook of the nursery".And a commenter on ThisIsLondon.co.uk said: "This is a very dangerous idea."Kids could make atomic bombs out of LEGO, and just think what would happen if some Islamic terrorist get hold of a copy. The possibilities are terrifying."

The British Security Services refuse to confirm that a nursery in Peckham East London had been raided early last week. Eye witnesses at the school nursery have stated that a group of heavily armed police burst into the Nursery during milk break. One witness who wishes to remain annominous said, “As far I could see at least four 4-5 year old children where arrested at the nursery. A large box of Lego and big blok’s were taken away. I did over hear one officer say that they had captured a kindergarten terrorist ring.”

Both Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President George Bush have remained silent on the current proceedings. It is not clear if both governments will declare war on the nursery in Peckham due to the possibility that it had Lego weapons of mass destruction. Both the US Army and the British Army have mobilized troops in readiness of immediate action if called for. Peckham Council have refuted such stories and have denied that it has been funding the nursery in it’s creation of weapons of mass destruction. Councilor Bill Moore said that he doubted America would invade Peckham highstreet as we do not have any oil wells in Peckham.

Government Whitewash Will It Wash off?

A damning report has been released by the government after much pressure from watch dog groups. The Whitewash report headed by top civil servant Lord Whitewash was released at a hastily called press meeting at Whitehall this morning assumedly in the hope the whole matter will be brushed under the carpet as quickly as possible.

When asked would this in fact be brushed under the carpet Lord Whitewash remarked that judging by the tome he held in his hand, the report 1,000 pages long, that it would hardly look right brushed under the carpet at all.

We have asked a top carpet fitter from Ronnie’s Carpet World Lewisham high street, for his expert opinion. Ronnie did in fact confirm that Lord Whitewash was telling the truth. He further explained that the excellent quality Persian carpet along with the super fast carpet grips would truly not be able to accommodate such a large report taking in to consideration the carpet to floor ratio. He categorically denied his current carpet sale has finished and confirmed there are still two days to go before the sale ends.

The report which was called for after much debate in the House of Commons some eighteen months ago and only now released due to consumer pressure, has by all accounts opened up Pandora’s Box it was claimed. Lady Pandora Boxington, Lib Dem, who sits in the upper house, has asked that we confirm that we are not referring to her but merely wish to emphasise the enormity of the findings in the report.

Lord Harrington Carrington of Barrington –on-Sea has openly expressed his utter dismay at such a response and claimed it wasn’t him who was seen sneaking out of the back entrance of a well known hotel in Brighton a week last Saturday. He confirmed however, he and Lady Boxington were merely very close friends. Lord Whitewash looking rather crumpled in his demeanour managed to quieten Lord Barrington before continuing with the matter in hand. He hoped that something will now be done on this matter to stem the flow of such waste of public funds.

We haven’t had much time to digest such a voluminous report but can confirm that the report is extremely long and laborious indeed. Lord Whitewash denied that his report would only be useful to insomniacs and pederasts. The Whitewash Report which, sets out in its pages, its findings that other such reports frequently are an utter waste of time, paper and parliamentary resources that such reports use. We will report on our findings once we have found someone who is willing to stand up and confirm they are an insomniac or in fact a pederast.

Do Clowns Create Bigger Carbon Foot Prints Than Normal People?

After our very first readers poll on your favourite newspaper we can confirm that you have voted with 80% of the vote that Clowns do in fact create bigger carbon foot prints than normal people. Thank you all that took the time to vote and we look forward to writing to Prime Minister Gordon Brown and asking him to tax these big footed freaks for being so inconsiderate.

The Editorial Team

Navy Files Of 600,000 Seamen Go Missing

The hunt for the missing records of 600,000 seamen is yet another embarrassment to Gordon Brown's Government. Sources within the government say that every avenue is being looked into to find such important documents.

The American pop group Village People have denied that they may have been responsible for getting hold of the seaman's records and swallowing the evidence.