New Diet Craze Endorsed by Jesus

London 2012 Alternative Poster

Agassi Confession: Other Drug Using Sports Stars Come Clean

After the recent confession by Andre Agassi to his former addiction to Chrystal Meths another sporting star has announced they too had been drawn into the world of performance enhanced drugs.

The sporting world was shocked after Agassi's shocking news. However, in an exclusive interview Olympic skier, Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards has poured his heart out to The GNT about his very own addiction.

"I was at the height of my fame and notoriety and had to find a way to help me with the rigorous training I was expected to put myself through. It was at that moment I became addicted towards Kids Haliborange tablets.

I was approached by someone in my local gymnasium whilst I was training for the Winter Olympics. They offered me a way to help with my problems in keeping fit after I had fallen off a kiddie ride in Skegness and aggravated an old ankle injury. Once I took my first tablet I was hooked and towards the end of that year I was taking up to 10 tablets a day. I was like a freaking' teenager bouncing off walls and talking ten to the dozen even in my sleep. In the end just like my Ski Jumping career it was all down hill after that. I hope others will learn from my mistakes and say no to kids Haliborange. After all everyone knows Adult Hilborange are just as good and they taste better too."

Everton Football Player Jose Baxter In Drugs Arrest

D.O.P.E Den is announced

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has responded quickly to reports from GNT that he was preparing to set up an illegal drug den within 10 Downing Street. The PM's press officer, Humphrey Dumphrey, has announced that the PM will be adding an extension to Downing Street to set up a new Department to investigate MP's expenses.

The Department Of Personal Expenses (D.O.P.E) will have its offices within number 10 and will be lead by the current Mayor of London, Boris Johnson. (photograph above taken after hearing the news)

Mr Johnson himself is no stranger to controversy. However, his claims for expenses where very small. Mr Johnson claimed 50p for a new comb, £8.99 for a map of London and £12.50 for a train ticket to Hogwarts.

Mr Johnson can be found at Kings Cross station every Tuesday at 2pm, looking for platform 9 and three quarters.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PM in 'Dope Den' Expenses Claim!!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!

GNT reporters have recovered shocking news that Gordon Brown has today filled in an expenses form requesting a 'Dope Den' to be built within 10 Downing Street.

GNT can only guess at the reasons for such a strange request, considering the public outrage over MP's claims for expenses. Perhaps the Prime Minister wants the country to 'tune in' and relax to help the financial markets 'drop out' of its recent slump.

It is believed that Pete Doherty has put forward his name for MP of "any ****ing where!!" after hearing the news.

This is breaking news...we will keep you updated on this story as soon as any further information becomes available...stay tuned...

Tanning Drug Use On The Rise

A growing number of people in the UK are injecting themselves with an unlicensed tanning drug, a BBC investigation has found.

Melanotan is still undergoing clinical trials but is sold illegally online and in salons and gyms, Newsbeat reports.

It is a synthetic hormone which stimulates the body's production of melanin, a substance that gives the skin its colour. Experts are worried that the long-term effects are not yet known.

A regular user of the tanning injections, Gail Porter from Pimlico stated, "I don't know what all the fuss is all about I get looks off lots of people in the street every day. I know for a fact they wish they too could acquire a tan such as mine!"

Amy Wino In Award Shock

Singer Amy Wino was shocked to be informed that she had been nominated for a National Heroine Award. Miss Wino who many deem a successful role model later kindly refused the award nomination when she realised her favourite illegal substance isn’t actually spelt with an “e” on the end of it.

Kemp In Drugs Protest

A group of unidentifiable people held a silent protest waving banners calling for the " Legalization of Kemp" in London yesterday. A flurry of press and television attention quickly encircled the home of Actor Ross Kemp near Sheppard's Bush. The actor formerly of the BBC's, Eastenders television programme was flummoxed by the sudden media attention.

Mr Kemp denied any knowledge of such a protest nor of the reasons behind it as he felt he hadn't done anything to warrant him being legalised by the courts . Police called to the scene by local residents quickly cleared up any confusion when it transpired that it was a group of dyslexic Marijuana smokers who were actually seeking the legalisation of Hemp.

A Smack In The Face For Children

A school has been accused of taking political correctness too far after it allowed its young pupils to be photographed whilst in the possession of the illegal drug Ecstasy in the classroom. The controversial picture was produced for a school newsletter recently. Many parents have complained about the matter to Parent Governors Association as they deem the pictures upsetting and political madness gone wrong. We were unable to speak to any of the teachers at the school concerned but did manage to by a small quantity of drugs outside the school grounds after 3.30pm.

The head teacher at the school concerned in Crew has denied that Smack has been freely given to children on a daily basis albeit for those who have been naughty in the classroom.

Wino Not So Happy With Amount Of Grammys Won

Dogs Turn To Drugs To Escape Fireworks

A statement made by the National Veterinary Society today, claims that dogs are turning to hard drugs to escape from their firework nightmares. "Some dogs have been suffering firework distress for many years and are taking to drugs as a last resort", said a spokesperson for the NVS.

Our investigators have uncovered disturbing statistics regarding dog drug abuse. The statistics show that almost 90% of the British doggy community have 'dabbled' in drugs, with nearly 50% of 'lady dogs' taking some form of drugs every week. This problem was higlighted recently by British Big Beat band The Prodigy with their charity single "smack my bitch up".

The lack of canine 'drop-off' centre's, were dogs can go to get treatment for their condition, has lead to a large population of hard-core animals turning to burgalry and other crimes. One such dog was caught last week trying to rob the local off-licence. The off-licence owner was able to identify the criminal by his distinctive gruff accent and burberry dog collar which was visible through the blacked out muffler the offender was wearing as a disguise.

We have received a photograph of the accomplice to this crime who was spotted at the scene but has not yet been caught, if you see the offender, police are warning the public not to approach him, but call dog nappers on 1234-567-890.

Singer Amy Winehouse leaves Snaresbrook Crown Court

Singer Amy Wino has denied that it was her who appeared in an secret video film taking a cocktail of Class A' drugs this week. Miss Wino who has been looking more and more like Princess Anne since her husband was jailed has claimed she was not at her flat on the night the video footage was claimed to have been taken. Miss Wino stated that she was in fact singing to a small group of fans at a secret gig on the night concerned. We have managed to obtain one of the few pictures allowed to be taken at the secret gig in Camden Town. (see below)