SImon Cowell To Be Knighted For Dross On Television

Simon Cowell is to be knighted for his contribution to the puerile $hit on national and international television. The music mogul, who stars as a judge on The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent and American Idol, was recommended by Gordon Brown before he stepped down as Prime Minister.

The former Labour leader was impressed by Cowell's continuous search for talentless fodder for his television shows. “It kept the nation busy during the recent economic downturn which we can only be grateful for.

TV's Mr Nasty showed his good-natured side by allowing dancing dogs, children, care in the community patients and old aged pensioners to be laughed and mocked at mercilessly on his Britain’s Got Talent television show.

A recent contestant on the Britain’s Got Talent Show, Brian Dribble was elated at the news. “It’s wonderful that Simon is at last getting the recognition for what he has done for television. I went to the Manchester heat of his show and if it wasn’t for Simon how else would I have been able to show the nation what a complete talentless moron I truly am? After all it is not often a 48 year old bachelor can attempt to eat 28 After Eight Mints and fail on national television?"

Simon Cowell also helped to raise almost £1million by getting the likes of Cheryl Cole, Leona Lewis and Robbie Williams to record charity single Everybody Gets Stung for the Bee Keepers Benevolent Fund for which he is a patron.

Westminster sources told The GNT that Cowell would be knighted in the Queen's Birthday Honours on June 12. A new set of ermine high wasted trousers are currently being made for the music mogul for the special occasion it has been reported.

"Gordon Brown was very keen for Simon to get proper recognition for his work."

"And there's also no doubt Simon has brought a great deal of happiness to television and telephone companies over the years with his TV shows."

Clegg May Sleep With Both Men To Try Them Out First

Prime Minister Brown Confirms May Election

(Mr Brown shows his home to prospective buyers earlier on today.)

Gordon Brown today announced a May 6th general election it was confirmed. Mr Brown's press secretary admitted that the Prime Minister had hoped to keep hold of his Downing Street home for a little while longer. However, due to the slump in the housing market has been forced to re-think his original plans.

Prime Minister Brown Visits Afghanistan

Brown To Unveil Labour's Election Slogan

Premiers Arrive In Northern Ireland For Crucial Talks

Government Apology Over 2 Year Delay In Condolence Letter

It was announced in parliament by Prime Minister Gordon Brown this week that a further 9, ooo soldiers will be deployed to Afghanistan in the early part of December. This would appear to be in contradiction to President Obama’s announcement that he is looking to start withdrawing American troops as early as 2010.

Also this week a father of a soldier killed in Afghanistan criticised the government after receiving a condolence letter two years after his son died. The Government apologised profusely over the alleged administrative error and confirmed that new measures are being implemented in order to stop any further hurt to the families of military personnel killed in the al theatres of war.

When asked to explain what possible measures would be implemented a government spokesperson confirmed, “We can assure all concerned that we are taking this matter seriously indeed. I can confirm that the families of the soon to be deployed soldiers would in fact be issued with a letter of condolence before they even set foot on Afghan soil. This I can assure you will save on any future admin errors and save the Prime Minister from having to grovel to the house and the public at large over others ineptitude.”

The Sun No Longer Backs Gordon Brown: Other Planets Soon To Follow BBC’s Andrew Marr Confirms.

In a sudden shift of gravity the Sun newspaper has declared it no longer backs Gordon Brown and his policies. Sun readers who for years have been the cleavage between the two major political parties are up in arms over the lack of large breasted female politicians in Mr Brown’s cabinet.

The owner of the Sun newspaper, Rupert Murdoch refused to comment on the reasons behind this sudden shift in his newspapers support. However, ardent Sun reader Brendan Cole, 29 from South London had the following to say over the change. “It has been coming for a while now to be honest with you. Since he took over from Tony Blair we Sun readers have noticed a rapid decline in hot Babes not only in the Cabinet but also on Labour’s side of the House of Commons.

Andrew Marr the host of the BBC’s Sunday show confirmed he could tell this was about to happen on Sunday during his interview with the Prime Minister. “He was refusing to admit if he was on prescription drugs or not? A normal question to put to the Prime Minister as far as I am concerned! I knew then that something was about to eclipse the lack of substantial evidence I had to prove my accusations. Now to hear that the Sun has turned its back on the Prime Minister well I believe this exonerates my insistent bullying on my Sunday morning show. All it needs is for the other remaining constellations in our universe to follow suit and he’s a goner.”

The Conservative leader, David Cameron has welcomed the news with great delight. “We are after all “the party of change” and any financial help Mr Murdoch’s corporation can provide us the better. As for paying those loyal Sun readers back after we win the election, I am sure Ann Widdecombe will jump at the opportunity to appear as the first topless MP.”

British Relax Assisted-Suicide Laws

Gordon Brown Comes Clean Over Libya Connections

Gordon Brown Gives Reaction To General Election Chances

Is The PM Being Coy About Chopper Numbers?

New Strain Of Flu Virus Found Scientists Confirm

A new strain of the flu virus is deliberately hiding important news from the bed ridden, scientists have claimed today. The new virus called sneaky flu has only recently kept a sizable lottery win from a Spanish woman in order to keep her misery going a little longer.

Scientist from around the world discovered the new strain whilst investigating the Spanish woman's condition as it was suspected to be swine flu. However, this new strain of the virus has far reaching side affects and could quite possibly lead to a more dangerous pandemic than the recent Mexican one. The symptoms appear to leave the victim despondent long after good news has reached them. Officials from a global government task force confirmed that international scientists are struggling to find a cure for the new strain. This is being linked in some quarters to the current global economic down turn.

Our Political and Scientific advisor Richard Head has been watching the recent developments closely. The news of this new strain was leaked only last week, since then more and more cases have emerged and seem to be escalating far more rapidly than expected by scientists our investigation has uncovered. One man from Birmingham also suffered from the side affects of Sneaky flu doctors confirmed this morning. The man had been ill in bed for weeks and denied hearing the good news that his wastrel son had found a job after 20 years lazing around the family home.

Unofficial reports are coming in that Gordon Brown may be suffering from similar symptoms to those of the new strain of flu but the jury is still out on that one. After weeks and weeks of bad news officials state they are straining to see where good news could in fact arrive from for Prime Minister Brown in order for proof of the virus to be substantiated.

Minister in Sex Expenses Exposure

A Labour Cabinet Minister has confirmed that he will repay £22,300 in allowances following media revelations about his secret liaisons with prostitutes.The Labour MP said he had kept to the rules but stories about how much he claimed back on whips, baby oil, love toy's and fundoms as expenses had caused a "massive blow" to his integrity and standing with voters. One Member of Parliament stated, "It would seem he was taking out more than he ever put in!"

It is the biggest amount an MP has paid back as all parties attempt to repair the damage to their reputation. The general public have been up in arms over the continuing leeks over parliamentary expenses as more and more is exposed in the media each day.

Ken Stott chairman of the parliamentary review board was dumbfounded when news broke early this morning of the as yet unconfirmed minister’s allowances bill. "There was a time when MP's would do the right thing and only claim for blow jobs, straight sex and the odd kinky S&M sessions. I am truly shocked that a minister in this day and age would foolishly claim for the likes of "Big Lube", "The Rhino Horn" and assorted sized condoms (flavoured and unflavoured). There has to be an end to all this exposure before the cracks gets so big they will never be able to fill them up again!"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Tory leader David Cameron clashed over MPs' expenses at prime ministers' questions. Both men agree the system is in need of reform but Mr Cameron - who has told his MPs they must pay back excessive claims or face the sack - said he would however, refuse to pay back the expenses he claimed on his three wheeled bike, helmet and bell as he needs them to ride to the house of parliament every day.

Gordon Brown Gives Biggest Signal Yet About His Handling Of The World Economic Crisis

Prime Minister Gordon Brown Denies He Caught Swine Flu Whilst Abroad

World Leaders Thankful Swine Flu Has Taken Economic Crisis Off Font Pages.

Today world leaders spoke out about the possible Swine Flu Pandemic. At a secret meeting held within a germ free environment, world leaders gathered to discuss the on going fear over Swine Flu. They also thanked their collective god's that something had removed the global economic crisis away from the front pages of every tabloid and broadsheet newspaper across the world.

President Obama praised Mexico for taking the brunt of the current crisis and also praised the flu virus for transforming itself into a far more deadly decease. Gordon Brown did not go as far as praising his Party for developing the new flu strain but did confirm that the Conservative Party would never have been able to produce such an escape from media scrutiny with their lack of vision and policies.

Both France and Germany blamed America and Britain for the new scare saying that their actions in Iraq and Afghanistan could be behind the emergence of such a deadly infectious decease. However, they still thanking their lucky stars that papers were reporting something other than the economic crisis. The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi would not comment on the current situation but did notice a female junior secretary in a figure hugging A-Line skirt.

A Senate member from Massachusetts upon hearing of the meeting confirmed his view that all that was needed was for women to start having fits and hallucinating and they can start burning women as witches again, like the good old days.

Brown Smears - Need For Change

Conservative leader David Cameron has announced his concerns over the brown smears he has had to endure over the last couple of days. We have been notified that Mr Cameron is to seek advice as to how he can clear up the fall out from the sordid business.

"I have to admit it was a shock one minute I was laying in bed on a lovely sunny morning when suddenly these nasty Brown smears were all over the (broad) sheets. To be honest they are something I least expected particularly not whilst I was in my brand new pyjamas", Mr Cameron confirmed this morning.

Silvio Berlusconi Has A Dr Evil Moment Whilst Weighing Up The Talent

Disco Gordon Dances Michelle Obama Off Her Feet