Conservatives Confirm New Plans To Clean Up Health Service

CONSERVATIVE PARTY TO SUPPLY DOCTORS WITH NEW EQUIPMENT TO ERADICATE LONG TERM SICK BENEFIT CHEATS

Record Card Game Ends In Broken Dreams

The Brittle Bone Society was strongly criticised when it organised the world’s biggest game of cards.

NHS spokesperson Ken Stott confirmed that as many as 2 hundred participants were hospitalised after the marathon game of Snap had ended on Saturday evening.

Organisers confirmed that it was the first and the last time such an event will take place as it cost an arm and a leg and quite a few finger bones too.

Cholera What Cholera?

President Robert Mugabe has said Zimbabwe has contained cholera - as the UN and a UK charity warned the deadly outbreak was getting worse. "Nonsense I diagnosed the situation myself and can assure you that the epidemic is a figment of the wests imagination.", Mr Mugabe confirmed to those who bothered listening.

Why doctors should be tested for competence

Unknown souce from the NHS took the above photograph recently. Shockingly it shows two senior surgeons laughing and joking at the pain suffered by a patient. When questioned by our reporter one said “It wasn’t me he did it” Then proceeded to spin around for no apparent reason and fall over a theatre trolley. The other responded “ Har Har Har Har Har”.

By SLAP

Deadly Inflictions Suffer Under Hospital Restrictions

For some time now hospitals have for want of a better word, dumbed down their cleaning/hygiene policy for the much cheaper practice of disregard and neglect. This cheaper policy has created a hygiene pool of tissue wasting bugs that have killed countless thousands across the country. A hospital in the South of the country has reportedly come out in the local press and denied such practices are going on. It did however concede that closer scrutiny must be made of the current standard of cleaning by its contractor. They agreed that only one cleaner per building was a little over extending itself when it came to ensuring wards where cleaned. In some cases that we have learnt of, hospitals are getting sick patients out of their beds in order that they clean their own mess up if and when accidents have occurred.

Rumours abound that hospitals are now turning away patients who are not carrying the hospital bug (MRSA) or its cousin the super bug (CDIFF). A hospital spokesman for the Essex Health Authority categorically denied such slanderous rumours. “We can assure you that this is positively not the case. And no I am not crossing my fingers behind my back I merely have an itch.” The spokesman would not answer any other questions but to reconfirm the health authorities continuing stance.

News of this alleged exclusion of other known diseases has reached the head of the biggest medical union in Britain. The Allied Institute of Diseases of the Sick (A.I.D.S.) confirmed that its members are very alarmed indeed by the current policy in our hospitals. Mr H Pylori, head of the union spoke out strongly about this current trend.

“I would like to make it clear that our union members are very angry by these turn of events. It is true that some of our colleagues have been getting turned away by hospitals as they are not deemed worthy enough to set foot on hospital grounds. Only yesterday an amalgamated branch of ours in Surrey made up of Ecoli, Hepatitis B and C and strains of pneumonia were turned away for not being deadly enough. In another case in Devon some of our members were also refused entry just because they were from the Legionnaires, cholera and typhoid families of diseases. This exclusion in British hospitals should be stopped before the current monopoly by these trendier diseases gets too strong to stop. We ask the Government to step in open up our dirty wards to normal diseases like our membership.”

The Global News Terrorists asked the Health Minister to comment on the chaos weakening the once proud health service. The Health Minister was unfortunately unavailable to answer our searching questions. It would appear to all in the Health Service that when it comes to infectious diseases the Health Minister tends to wash his hands of such matters.

Paediatricians Are This Years Paedophiles

The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Harold Armstrong has today called on Prime Minister Gordon Brown to put an end to the number of Paediatricians allowed to roam our streets.

The police commissioner has once again asked the question that all right minded citizens of this country have been asking for sometime now, Remove these paediatricians from society.

Commissioner Armstrong said, "For too many years now the government has turned a blind eye to what has been at the core of the breakdown in the moral standards of the country. Too many of “these people”, have been allowed to walk amongst us for far too long now. Many have been allowed to gain key positions to which they have been able to manipulate to their own nefarious ends. The very foundation of Britain’s society will continue to crumble the longer these people are allowed to have contact with our children."

Our man on the street Albert Fish, spoke to Ken Stott, a leading activist of the current protests that are garnering greater support each and every day. “For far longer than I can possible recall paediatricians have been allowed to have access to young children Often enough children are left alone with these people without parental supervision. This is surely playing into paediatricians hands for want of a better phrase."

Mr Stott went on to also say, "The medical records of children which give both private and personal information are at easy reach of any practicing paediatrician. A few years ago the media laughed when a protest against paedophiles was shown across the world and protesters had, in the media’s eyes, attacked an office of a paediatrician instead of paedophile. Mark my word this was not a case of misguided illiterates. This pernicious attack was perpetuated by a group of visionaries. They could see if they did not act when they did these paediatricians would continue to walk our streets without fear.”

The Medical Council have asked for calm and that the general public should not be influenced by such inflammatory words. Dr Angus Dutton spoke to our reporter briefly between running a gauntlet of abuse and numerous foreign missiles. “People have to realise that without paediatricians people would not be able to be treated if and when sick. Paediatricians are being blamed for a great many things when in fact they should be praised not abused. I overheard someone the other day saying that you never use to hear of Paediatricians years ago but now they are everywhere. Of course you didn’t hear of them years ago that’s because they were merely described as doctors.”

The flames of anger and protest are being fanned by those who wish to rid this country of paediatricians. The Global News Terrorists refuse to be drawn on the matter but surely the people of this country need to have their questions answered?

What do you think? Paediatricians – Hug them or Burn them?
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You Looking At Me

A cat has had the first cataract operation in the UK.

Smuts the cat is recovering well at home his owner confirmed. However, he is feeling the strain of the 5 hour operation. Doctors at the hospital that operated on Smuts said he is likely to feel a lot of swelling to his eyes for a couple of days and should get plenty of rest at Homer.

Dr Who In Blackpool Who - Ha.

A flurry of complaints hit the Blackpool Dr Who Convention help-line when it was found that the current Dr Who actor David Tennant had been replaced with a locum.