Food Prices Ends Fairy Tale Dream

Local news reports have confirmed today that a witch who was once implicated in the Hansel and Gretel child abduction case has had to sell her cottage made of sugary confectionery. After investigation by the Metropolitan police at the time of the inquiry all charges were dropped due to circumstantial evidence.

The reasons for the sale, was partly due to the global economic crisis that has hit the world. The witch concerned has been forced to sell up due to the increase in the sugar, flour and sweets that she used to adorn her enticing woodland cottage.

“It is extremely sad that I have become another victim to the current recession hitting the global markets. I will no longer be able to ensnare young children with my candy windows and sugar frosted roof and ginger bread door. There used to be a time when I could have eaten half a dozen children a month. Now I am lucky if I get any visitors at all, after all who wants to come to a place like this to be eaten? lollipops stapled to Grey granite walls just doesn’t seem to do it for anyone these days.”

The witch we can confirm has had to move from her country cottage and now resides at a high-rise flat in Lewisham, South-East London. Lewisham Council would not confirm if the witch has a restraining order on her or if Social Services are monitoring the witch to ensure the safety of local children in the area.

Government In Spin Over Sweet Mix Up

After the recent upsurge in British people being bedridden by the Norovirus the Department of Health has issued guidelines for anyone who is suffering from the disease. Basically do not go to a hospital or your doctor’s surgery, as you are not welcome. Unfortunately an influx of callers to the NHS Direct phone line has been due to yet another mix up by someone within the health minister’s office.

It has been reported by a very good source that a junior civil servant has issued a warning and guidelines about the Norovirus but has inadvertently added a picture of a very popular blue liquorice sweet and not the Norovirus as they should have done.

Mr David Cummerbund the Conservative Leader has asked for a full enquiry over the matter. "It is bad enough that we have been subjected to shoddy practices from Mr Drab Brown’s government over his short period in office. But to now imply that the nations favourite sweeties are linked to outbreaks of sickness and diarrhoea it is terrible. Surely no one in their right mind could say liquorice could leave them with a sick tummy wummy? "

No response as yet has been made by the Health Department but the junior civil servant by all accounts had called in this morning with a virus. One jovial wit at the Houses of Parliament was overheard to say that the Health Department “Takes Allsorts these days.”

New Blue Tongue Decease Hitting British Farmers is Marketing Ploy?

British farmers deny blue tongue is a new decease but is in fact super juicy sweets that are leaving a giving the blue tongue to their animals.

A local farmer, Mr Ted Frottage explained to our paper today. “What with the recent spate of foot and mouth epidemics across the country it’s turning into a very poor year indeed. No one likes to see good livestock being slaughtered like this. Well not unless we farmers are doing it and at a good price that is. These sweet manufacturers just do not understand the misery they are causing to poor farm folk. I say shoot the lot of them, the sweet manufacturers that is, not the animals.”

Makers of the tongue twisting sweets denied that they have secretly been infiltrating the countries farms and offering sweets to unsuspecting animals. Mr Harold Bishop a spokes person for Cavity & Cavity, who make “Super Juicy Sweets”, gave a press briefing today.

“I would like to dispute these scandalous claims in the press an farming world. Cavity & Cavity has never had its reputation called in to question before. We shall be talking to our solicitors on the matter.”

Never scared to confront large organisations or to run away from asking searching questions. We allowed a rival newspaper to ask the following questions in case we get sued.

Mr Bishop was asked if he denied the company he represents had not previously tried to sell controversial sweets to children before. Sweets, that looked like ecstasy tablets as well as sherbet in 10p wraps outside school playgrounds. He was also asked if they had tried to sell a quantity of life sized jelly shotguns to 6-10 year olds in the Manchester Area recently.

Mr Bishop looking rather perplexed replied that this was in the hands of the police and the CPS and so could not comment further. He did however respond that in the 100 years of Cavity & Cavity’s existence they have never worried sheep and other livestock. Therefore he stated they should not now be accused of putting things in animal’s mouths that could leave a bitter taste.

The Crown Prosecution Service said that they along with the police are fully investigating these matter. Unfortunately due to most of the victims being animals they do not think they will be able to get much from any of the victims.