Schools Ditch Anti-Bullying To Spy On Child Terrorists

Teachers across the country are to cease from pretending to targeting school bullies and pretend to concentrate on school terrorists of the future instead. After years of inactivity when it has come to sorting bullying in schools, the National Union of Teachers (N.U.T.) welcomed the news.

Brian Atos, who works closely with head teachers and the Government in developing future school policies, was quoted as saying, “The Education system has provided the modern school bully with enough inactivity to allow them to roam free to do as they choose and please around our schools. As such it is the perfect time for us to apply the years of experience in lack of support and understanding to the victims of bullying to this new scheme.”

The Government has denied that SAS style training will be provided to teachers who under take this type of surveillance as this will be too costly to fund. Instead a terrorist surveillance co-ordinator will be provided a suitably signed office in each school.

Clare Baines, headmistress at a school in Chester had this to say on the matter, “Any pupil who feels they may want to blow up more than the chemistry laboratory will have somewhere to go other than a police station. The pupil or pupils concerned will be able to drop in and discuss their fundamentalism freely over a cup of tea or glass of milk and a biscuit with a member of staff. This can only be good for the country as well for the children’s teachers as they will have fewer brats to deal with due to the pupil’s absence.”

Human Rights campaigners have raised concerns over the recent announcement. They feel that providing future terrorist at such an early age with a designated place to offload their fundamental feelings may be denying them their Human Rights. They have stated that this may result in the children being stopped from going on to blow up victims later on in life.

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Birthday Cake Causes Parents To Berate

Authorities in New Zealand have caused some controversy due to their plans to stop children eating Birthday Cake whilst in school. Parents have lambasted the idea that this ban will help to ensure that school children will eat more healthily. Protest is garnering a great deal of support across the country from a wide range of people. Parents at St Michael’s junior school have however, denied that it was they that had hired the balloon seen flying over the school yesterday afternoon.

A Smack In The Face For Children

A school has been accused of taking political correctness too far after it allowed its young pupils to be photographed whilst in the possession of the illegal drug Ecstasy in the classroom. The controversial picture was produced for a school newsletter recently. Many parents have complained about the matter to Parent Governors Association as they deem the pictures upsetting and political madness gone wrong. We were unable to speak to any of the teachers at the school concerned but did manage to by a small quantity of drugs outside the school grounds after 3.30pm.

The head teacher at the school concerned in Crew has denied that Smack has been freely given to children on a daily basis albeit for those who have been naughty in the classroom.

New Blue Tongue Decease Hitting British Farmers is Marketing Ploy?

British farmers deny blue tongue is a new decease but is in fact super juicy sweets that are leaving a giving the blue tongue to their animals.

A local farmer, Mr Ted Frottage explained to our paper today. “What with the recent spate of foot and mouth epidemics across the country it’s turning into a very poor year indeed. No one likes to see good livestock being slaughtered like this. Well not unless we farmers are doing it and at a good price that is. These sweet manufacturers just do not understand the misery they are causing to poor farm folk. I say shoot the lot of them, the sweet manufacturers that is, not the animals.”

Makers of the tongue twisting sweets denied that they have secretly been infiltrating the countries farms and offering sweets to unsuspecting animals. Mr Harold Bishop a spokes person for Cavity & Cavity, who make “Super Juicy Sweets”, gave a press briefing today.

“I would like to dispute these scandalous claims in the press an farming world. Cavity & Cavity has never had its reputation called in to question before. We shall be talking to our solicitors on the matter.”

Never scared to confront large organisations or to run away from asking searching questions. We allowed a rival newspaper to ask the following questions in case we get sued.

Mr Bishop was asked if he denied the company he represents had not previously tried to sell controversial sweets to children before. Sweets, that looked like ecstasy tablets as well as sherbet in 10p wraps outside school playgrounds. He was also asked if they had tried to sell a quantity of life sized jelly shotguns to 6-10 year olds in the Manchester Area recently.

Mr Bishop looking rather perplexed replied that this was in the hands of the police and the CPS and so could not comment further. He did however respond that in the 100 years of Cavity & Cavity’s existence they have never worried sheep and other livestock. Therefore he stated they should not now be accused of putting things in animal’s mouths that could leave a bitter taste.

The Crown Prosecution Service said that they along with the police are fully investigating these matter. Unfortunately due to most of the victims being animals they do not think they will be able to get much from any of the victims.

Big Hugs Doesn’t Mean We Are Thugs

A school in New Hampshire has banned its pupils from giving each other hugs in the class room or playground.. The headmistress Mrs Lawlor has banned this trend due to the fact that the friendly greeting may be used to bully pupils at school.

When questioned on the matter Mrs Lawlor replied, “This is something that has swept the entire school in the last month or two. It may seem innocent to some but what if you were hugged by one of the 6 form girls, when you didn’t want her attention. You may feel ill at ease to say the least. I just wouldn’t want girls embracing each other this way it could not only be intimidating but intrusive.”

The school girls at The Good Samaritan of The Holy Cross were informed by the teaching staff to not speak to the press on this matter. We spoke to the former caretaker Mr Peter File who commented, “I feel this is yet again another example of political correctness gone wrong. I was sacked recently from my job at the school and so I have no problem giving an interview on the matter. The girls are a lovely bunch of people and I found it no problem at all seeing them hugging closely with each other. In fact it brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye when ever I saw it happening in the playground. I was hugged by the girls a couple of times myself which made me feel warm inside not bullied. Have you ever had a young girl hold you close and squeeze you there is nothing wrong in it?”

We have been unable to confirm why Mr File has been removed from the post of Caretaker. The school has refused to make any further statement on the hugging ban. However, they were happy to deny a ban on breathing at the school has been set in motion as this would be wrong.

Brits Think Churchill Didn't Exist

Are people in Britain losing a grip on fact and fiction? Nearly one in four believe Winston Churchill and Florence Nightingale are myths and more than half thinking Sherlock Holmes actually existed.

We spoke to a group of teenager at a school in the heart of England. Terry Ainscoe said when informed of the results of this survey, " I cannot believe that people think Churchill didn't exist surely they have seen the Churchill Insurance adverts on the television."

When our reporter asked if Terry new when the Battle of Hastings occurred he quite rightly informed us it was in the year 1066. He unfortunately also added that everyone knows it was 1066 because of the song on Hastings Insurance advertisements on the television.

Perhaps the national curriculum should purely be based on Insurance Companies advertisements and maybe then we could get some of the youth of the day to pass a history exam.