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Europe Sick To Death Of Icelandic Volcanoes Attention Seeking.

Airports in parts of Scotland and Ireland closed from 0700 BST because of risks from volcanic ash, the Civil Aviation Authority has said. Last month, volcanic ash clouds from Iceland grounded flights for six days.

The situation in the skies has been changing hour by hour, meaning the picture for air travellers is unclear. Governments across Europe as well as their respective aviation authorities are calling on the troublesome volcano to stop its dilly dallying and just go ahead and blow.

Experts have confirmed that there is no knowing when the insistent outpouring of ash is likely to subside. “If you ask me, I think someone needs to smack the little buggers behind for him. This will I wont I erupt attitude of the volcano is unbelievable. Just because it cannot be brave enough to explode like any normal volcano” Prof. Ken Stott of the Kirby Institute of Volconology confirmed, when briefed on the latest disruptions.

Ryan Air has attempted to contact the volcano in order to delay the ash from disrupting flights for another day or two. This we have been informed was due to its introduction later this week of their new volcanic Ash charges. Each passenger booking a flight on any of their European destinations as of next week will be charged £100 extra to cover for the airlines losses due to grounded flights.

British Airways has called on the Icelandic Prime Minister to introduce a human sacrifice scheme as a means to put an end to the turmoil the volcano has caused.

Elsewhere, both the Labour and Conservative parties have come out in the press this morning and have left the current groundings very much at Nick Clegg’s doorstep.

A spokespeople for Mr Brown’s and Cameron’s campaigns stated that the reason the volcanic ash is back on our doorstep could possibly be due to the Liberal Democrat’s immigration policy. “It’s obvious to most of the country that this Icelandic volcano is attempting to get in to the country via the back door. It assumes that all it needs to do is hide out in the country for 10 years then it will be given an amnesty”.

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Corruption Fears Over Afghan Poll

Voting cards are being offered for sale in Afghanistan as the presidential election approaches, an undercover investigation finds. The elections due to take place have come under close scrutiny after an investigation uncovered the open selling of voting cards in many parts of Afghanistan.

We managed to buy a handful of cards and have been shocked to find that rigged voting cards from the George Bush/ Al Gore presidential elections in 2000 are being sold as well as the missing voting cards from the recent controversial Iranian elections. Thousands of voting cards have been offered for sale and thousands of dollars offered in bribes to buy votes.

The findings came as campaigning closed before Thursday's election, in which President Hamid Karzai faces more than 30 challengers. Former President George Bush was delighted to hear that he may be in the running for a future presidency as he has grown tired recently of having nothing to do all day. “After Dick had his shooting rifle taken away from him it just hasn’t been the same.” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, confirmed his concern over the matter and commented that he had thought such evidence had been appropriately dealt with.

Nick Griffin of the British National Party was we can confirm, happy that none of his candidates who failed in the last European elections this year saw their voting papers being openly sold on the black market in Afghanistan, as according to him “that would be so wrong”.

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Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has kicked up a media firestorm since John McCain announced she would be his vice presidential running mate. Many people have also been searching the Internet for sexy photos of Sarah Palin. It was thought they had hit pay dirt when saucy photos of Palin toting a gun wearing a star-spangled bikini were uncovered. However, these photos have since been proven fake. We did however manage to see the real face behind the fake photo's of Sarah Palin which appear to be more shocking than the fake ones?

Robert Mugabe Attends book fair in Zimbabwe

Readers Letters:

Dear Sir,

I was saddened to read recently that Prime Minister Brown has continued to suffer from "erection problems" since taking over the top spot at No10. Wake up the media of Britain enough is enough. We don’t want Mr Brown’s erection problems splashed across the front pages of our newspapers. Why it is bad enough not being able to perform for the country but to now read he cannot perform for his good lady wife. Will there be no end to this form of media attention?

Bill Gates,

Clacton

Boris Tastes Victory

Conservative Boris Johnson is the new mayor of London - ending Ken Livingstone's eight-year reign at City Hall. Boris was unavailable today for comments after his victory as his PR confirmed he was busy trying to remember where London actually is.

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Election officials in Zimbabwe have started recounting some of the votes cast in disputed polls held last month.

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