Foreign Bugs Taking Our Jobs!

Foreign Super Bug taking over British Super Bugs jobs it has been announced by the Daily Mail today.

Hospitals across the nation were on alert last night after confirmation that an antibiotic-resistant superbug imported by people who have had cosmetic surgery abroad was detected at an unnamed hospital near Bristol.

The bug, NDM-1 has affected 37 Britons – and some infections have already been passed from patient to patient in hospitals here.

Nick Griffin leader of the British National Party has called for the Con/Lib government to do more to stop this and other foreign diseases from entering the country.

“This is yet another example of foreigners coming into our country and taking home grown and I hasten to add, hard working diseases jobs”.

Mr Harry Smith a 71 year old pensioner from Putney was disgusted upon hearing the news.

“I worked hard all my life and was looking forward to dying a lonely and horrific death from one of our diseases. It looks like I will now most likely die from one of those foreign ones that eat your flesh from the inside out. I blame Labour for all this. They have made our country open to all kinds of foreign invaders!”

Although there have only been about 50 cases identified in the UK so far, scientists fear it will go global. Tight surveillance and new drugs are needed says Lancet Infectious diseases.

A press conference by the British Alliance for Diseases (BAD) was due to due to be made this morning but unfortunately the live conference had to be cancelled due to an outbreak of sickness amongst the gathering journalists.

B.A.D union representative, C.Difficile later spoke to press over the telephone on the matter.

“ Our members are prepared to take industrial action if this interloper doesn’t desist in what it is doing in our hospitals. We are watching proceedings very closely and will ballot our members in due course. A possible “Sick In” may take place no later than next week if this new virus doesn’t get off our manor.”

“I would like to apologise for the outbreak of sickness at this morning’s press conference. Some of our members upon seeing a large crowd of people couldn’t help themselves. Our well wishes go out to those affected and their families.”

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Government Flushed Over Industrial Action

Reading, chatting, eating and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet, according to a recent survey.

The study suggests more than 14 million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines on the loo. The poll points to eight million people talking - either on the phone or to family - and one in five send texts.

TURD, the Trade Union for Rectal Dignity, have called for its members to come out on strike against the use of toilets for non faecal activity. Ken Stott speaking on behalf of his union confirmed, “For far too long now people have stopped using our affiliated members for natural purposes. The recent survey only reiterates the outcome our members have been forced to experience over the last few years. We call on the government to make a U-Bend (surly U-Turn: Ed) on its decision to allow such a travesty to escalate. An official strike will be in place from Saturday evening till Monday evening this week. All our members are in agreement and an all in strike vote was achieved with 97% of our members backing our official action.”

Doctors have called for the government to try and stem the flow of strike action over fears it may irritate the National Health Service even further than it already is. One Government Agency also expressed its fear that the expected industrial action could in fact blow up in the Prime Ministers face if not handled carefully.

Why doctors should be tested for competence

Unknown souce from the NHS took the above photograph recently. Shockingly it shows two senior surgeons laughing and joking at the pain suffered by a patient. When questioned by our reporter one said “It wasn’t me he did it” Then proceeded to spin around for no apparent reason and fall over a theatre trolley. The other responded “ Har Har Har Har Har”.

By SLAP

Deadly Inflictions Suffer Under Hospital Restrictions

For some time now hospitals have for want of a better word, dumbed down their cleaning/hygiene policy for the much cheaper practice of disregard and neglect. This cheaper policy has created a hygiene pool of tissue wasting bugs that have killed countless thousands across the country. A hospital in the South of the country has reportedly come out in the local press and denied such practices are going on. It did however concede that closer scrutiny must be made of the current standard of cleaning by its contractor. They agreed that only one cleaner per building was a little over extending itself when it came to ensuring wards where cleaned. In some cases that we have learnt of, hospitals are getting sick patients out of their beds in order that they clean their own mess up if and when accidents have occurred.

Rumours abound that hospitals are now turning away patients who are not carrying the hospital bug (MRSA) or its cousin the super bug (CDIFF). A hospital spokesman for the Essex Health Authority categorically denied such slanderous rumours. “We can assure you that this is positively not the case. And no I am not crossing my fingers behind my back I merely have an itch.” The spokesman would not answer any other questions but to reconfirm the health authorities continuing stance.

News of this alleged exclusion of other known diseases has reached the head of the biggest medical union in Britain. The Allied Institute of Diseases of the Sick (A.I.D.S.) confirmed that its members are very alarmed indeed by the current policy in our hospitals. Mr H Pylori, head of the union spoke out strongly about this current trend.

“I would like to make it clear that our union members are very angry by these turn of events. It is true that some of our colleagues have been getting turned away by hospitals as they are not deemed worthy enough to set foot on hospital grounds. Only yesterday an amalgamated branch of ours in Surrey made up of Ecoli, Hepatitis B and C and strains of pneumonia were turned away for not being deadly enough. In another case in Devon some of our members were also refused entry just because they were from the Legionnaires, cholera and typhoid families of diseases. This exclusion in British hospitals should be stopped before the current monopoly by these trendier diseases gets too strong to stop. We ask the Government to step in open up our dirty wards to normal diseases like our membership.”

The Global News Terrorists asked the Health Minister to comment on the chaos weakening the once proud health service. The Health Minister was unfortunately unavailable to answer our searching questions. It would appear to all in the Health Service that when it comes to infectious diseases the Health Minister tends to wash his hands of such matters.

Government In Spin Over Sweet Mix Up

After the recent upsurge in British people being bedridden by the Norovirus the Department of Health has issued guidelines for anyone who is suffering from the disease. Basically do not go to a hospital or your doctor’s surgery, as you are not welcome. Unfortunately an influx of callers to the NHS Direct phone line has been due to yet another mix up by someone within the health minister’s office.

It has been reported by a very good source that a junior civil servant has issued a warning and guidelines about the Norovirus but has inadvertently added a picture of a very popular blue liquorice sweet and not the Norovirus as they should have done.

Mr David Cummerbund the Conservative Leader has asked for a full enquiry over the matter. "It is bad enough that we have been subjected to shoddy practices from Mr Drab Brown’s government over his short period in office. But to now imply that the nations favourite sweeties are linked to outbreaks of sickness and diarrhoea it is terrible. Surely no one in their right mind could say liquorice could leave them with a sick tummy wummy? "

No response as yet has been made by the Health Department but the junior civil servant by all accounts had called in this morning with a virus. One jovial wit at the Houses of Parliament was overheard to say that the Health Department “Takes Allsorts these days.”