US Governments Bail-Out Plan Hits A Snag

The Worlds Leader Puts America In The Picture

President George W Bush has said that legislators will "rise to the occasion" and pass the Wall Street rescue plan. In a statement he said that there are still disagreements because, "the proposal is big and the reason it's big is because it's a big problem".

By Lance Spelling

Bush Gives McCain His Blessing

George Bush Squares Up To Vladimir Putin Over Georgia

Yee Haw Yee Haw is echoing around the White House as Barmy George gets a last chance to vaporise humanity.
Our source within the White House said “Oh Sh*t.” Duck and Cover.

By SLAP

George Bush Tells Russia To Lay Off Georgia.

Bush Joins The Tush Slapping Championship At Beijing Olympics

Mr Bush took time out from it all and enjoyed the delights of the Beijing Olympics. It looked to all the world that President Bush was concentrating on bringing home the Gold for his country even if it was such a painful experience for him?????

George Bush In Off Shore Drilling Boob

President Bush made another of his famous goofs yesterday when questioned on his views regarding off shore drilling. Mr Bush said that he was happy with his current dental plan and had no need to seek treatment outside of the country.

McCain: A Stair Lift To The White House?

John McCain has recently stated that Barack Obama was too young to be the next President. However, some in the media have in fact recently been accusing senator McCain himself of being far too old for the job.

John McCain has as expected in the press, strenuously denied he is too old for the job. However, in an exclusive for the Global News Terrorist newspaper, Mr McCain was secretly pictured at his home this week using a stair lift.

Will the White House soon be buzzing with the sound of a stir lift motor? Will the presidents chair be replaced with a commode? Only the American people can decide.

Celebrity Adoption Special Report

The current trend for Hollywood celebrities to adopt underprivileged children continues to spiral out of control. Last night Britney Spears announced that she is seeking to adopt. After the uproar of Madonna adopting a Humpa Lumpa and Paris Hilton, adopting a right old strop due to no one picking up on her trend of keeping an elephant as a pet, we now have this.

We call for an end to this travesty after it was reported that Britney Spears wishes to adopt a baby clown. Remember it was only 12 months ago that she stupidly adopted an aardvark after the A-Z craze hit America last year.

“I have always wanted to adopt even when I was 4 years old I had a motherly instinct like no other I know. These feelings have been with me for years and I truly feel that now is the time to get things right.” We asked Miss Spears if she was at all following the celebrity ‘B’ list craze of using songs in her press releases but this she denied. “No one ever thinks of the poor clowns do they? They are laughed at and ridiculed by people and always seem so terribly sad. I say “Send in the clowns” let us adopt them and let them know that American people have big hearts.”

We felt so strongly about this we lobbied President Bush to ask him to put a stop to this current celebrity trend.

"I cannot see anything wrong with what is going on at the moment. Clowns are freak’n funny. I once saw a clown down a litre of caster oil and then light his own fart: man that was brilliant. That was the turning point in my political career. I knew then that anything could happen as long as a clown was in charge of his destiny. She can adopt a freak’n wombat for all I care as long as she puts that school uniform on again.”

Bill And Hillary Clinton To Star In Movie Remake?

News has hit the Global News Terrorists front desk that the Clintons are to appear in the remake of Harold and Maude. Hollywood insiders have claimed that Bill and Hillary plan to go into acting should Hillary fail to get the Democrats vote against Barack Obama during the presidential nominations this year. Bill Clinton who is no virgin when it comes to performing on the big stage is desperate to make his Hollywood debut although he feels Hillary would be more suited to the role of Maude than he would. Mrs Clinton would not comment on the rumour but looking at the photograph we received in the post she looks a far better candidate for playing Maude than she would as the new president.

Dogs Anus Centre of Jesus Probe

We have had a report of the latest in a long line of miraculous apparitions of the image of Our Lord. After Jesus has been recently spotted appearing in spilled hot chocolate, dental x-rays, shrimp and a Tampax, a reader sends us evidence that He has appeared on the bottom of a dog.
The dog's name is Crawford MacDougall, and he is a very cute three-year-old terrier mix. The image of Jesus can be clearly seen in the fur surrounding his @nus.

The owner of the dog informed us when interviewed, “I woke up one morning and noticed Crawford’s cute little tush wagging in my face. I got out of bed and took a deeper inspection of his @nus and after brushing the fur from his bum hole and stroking the area with my finger I probed his anus and was shocked to see Jesus looking back at me. The sunlight was shining through the window it was like I was awash with the morning glory of Christ himself.” Ever since that sanctified day, the image of Jesus has graced Crawford’s buttocks.

The owners wife added, 'This is truly a holy event,' and 'It's hard to understand the meaning of this appearance, but one thing is for sure, that dog's bum looks incredibly like Jesus. However, when Crawford goes for his number 2’s it does seem to change appearance but it soon goes back to normal.”

When we asked the owners to explain the two large dangling testicles they insisted this was Jesus’ wings in the relaxed position. “My husband hasn’t been able to stop touching Crawford’s bum hole since the image first appeared. I think he is expecting a miracle but no matter how much he touches it, it just seems to look back at him in silence. He hasn’t washed his hands for days. I think he is obsessed with the whole thing.”

The apparition has caused a stir in the religious world and it has been rumoured that the Pope may be visiting Crawford shortly in America. No confirmation of this trip has been made by the Vatican nor could anyone tell us if the Pope would be kissing Crawford’s ring or Crawford kissing the Popes. Hundreds of deeply religious people have flocked to see this miracle. Crawford apparently has been a little uneasy about the number of people taking a keen interest in his @nus. One visitor explained, “It’s a message, a holy message I am sure of it but I just cannot put my finger on it. At the moment”

A spokesman for the family confirmed, “This thing is getting bigger every day, the story that is not Crawford’s @nus. The Internet has increased the interest rapidly. Even President Bush has responded to the holy image, “I feel this is a message from God letting the American people know that I was right to go to war in Iraq after all. Mr Bush has set up a special agency and sanctioned a government probe into Crawford’s @nus.”

After Bush Is Asked About His Campaign Against Terror.

President Bush Gets Security Personal Touch

Be Afraid Be Very Afraid: Coming Soon A Global News Terrorists Exclusive Interview With President Bush

George Bush And Pope In Record Breaking Mistake

President Bush made another howler after seeing Pope Benedict on the news in a recent religious ceremony. President Bush assuming that the pope was competing in the Record Breaking spittoon attempt prepared himself for his very own attempt at the record. A spokes person for the Record Breakers Association would not deny nor confirm if such a record had ever been attempted. However they did state that they doubted that his Holiness would participate in such a thing, as for President Bush, well that is another matter.

Bush In Denial Over Gay Movie Sequel

George Bush has denied he has been asked to play a gay cowboy in the sequel to the hit movie, Broke Back Mountain, Broke Back Mounting. President Bush is due to leave office once elections in America are over. Mr Bush has denied in the press that he wishes to go into acting once he has more time on his hands.

The lead role in the movie sequel is up for grabs and George it is rumoured is very keen to make the role his own. Hollywood is waiting in anticipation as to the outcome of this story, as is the world. It will be a case of "I'm coming out so you'd better get the party started." in more ways than one.

Archive News:Republicans Wage Holy War in Cartoon Uproar

A man from Wisconsin U.S. of A has hit the local news for lampooning George Bush in a cartoon in his local newspaper. The cartoon has caused offence very similar to that of the one in Denmark in which Allah was lampooned.

The Christian right have been targeting Wisconsin Daily Bugle's phone desk ranting about the evil of taking Mr Bushes name in vain. The cartoon shows George W Bush with a suicide belt on shouting "save some of those virgins for me" whilst standing outside the Iranian Embassy has caused the loony right to inundate the editors desk of the Wisconsin Daily Bugle.

Hate mail and attacks on the newspapers office have steadily increased over the last few days. Some protesters have taken to the street burning, amazingly enough American flags and waving banners declaring a holy war against none believers (i.e. Democrats, Pinko Commie B'stards and tree hugging hippy dope heads)

A number of arrests have been made by the local sheriffs department and at one stage the local National Guard was on standby to quell possible riots. One of the protesters Al Bundy provided us with an idea of the hostility felt over the so called blasphemous cartoon.

When we asked Mr Bundy why he, like most of the other protesters felt the way they did? "Did you not see the cartoon? It's a god damn disgrace I mean why the freakin' hell would Mr Bush be wearing a gay utility belt like that he’s no faggot? As for the "save some virgins for me" he's a freakin' Republican right wing evangelist, a servant of God and married to boot. We Republicans don't fool around with women or men for that matter, well none of the Republicans I know that is"

The protestors have been picketing the local newspaper demanding an apology from Mr Balowski and asking that the cartoonist be sacked for such an anti-Bush cartoon.

We asked the White House for a comment on the uproar the cartoon of President Bush has caused. One of Mr Bushes aids has confirmed to your favourite newspaper that Mr Bush did not wish to be drawn on the matter.

If Bush Presses The Button?