China Clamps Down On Llamas At City Zoo

Llamas are bringing a law suit against his holiness the Dali lama over claims that they are being persecuted by over zealous Chinese security forces at a zoo in Beijing.

The problem occurred when Beijing’s Zoos Llama house was brutally put down by secret police and soldiers of the Red Army. The managers at the zoo, as well as four Llamas have been taken in for questioning over the matter.

Representatives of the group of Llamas caught up in the mealy blame his holiness the Dali Lama for their recent woes. They state the friction has been caused due to his penchant for inflammatory speeches about China's poor human rights as well as a lack of education amongst local officials who are unable to spell or read.

We were unable to contact the group directly as they were being placed through the Chinese judicial system. An expert on China's law confirmed it wasn’t looking good for those arrested particularly the four Llamas. “If they don’t tell their interrogators what they want to hear then it could be curtains for them all. Have you ever seen Llama curtains they are terrible?”

The Dali Lama has called on the world to pray for the Beijing Four as they are now being called. He has however, denied he dresses up in fur and walks around on all fours spitting at anyone who gets too close to him.

The world’s political leaders have yet to condemn the recent brutal arrest. One expert on such affairs explained. “When it comes down to it Llamas are not a valuable commodity. As such I doubt anyone country will want to jeopardise the lucrative trade they already have in place with China.

China Able To Protest (unlike its people) Over New Nintendo Wii Game

Hawkins Thrown Out Of Paralympics

Prof. Stephen Hawkins was thrown out of a wheelchair event at the yesterday's paralympic games as he had been tested positive for WD40

Heroin-addicted elephant leaves rehab

A former drug-addicted elephant has been pronounced clean after a emerging from a three-year detox programme.

The four-year-old bull elephant, called either 'Big Brother' or 'Xiguang', was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used bananas spiked with heroin to control him.
After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection centre in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

A year of methadone injections at five times the human dosage had helped wean Xiguang off his addiction. “I am looking forward to meeting my friends on the outside at long last. Both Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty have been good friends to me whilst in rehab. We shared a great deal together whilst inside and have bonded as friends. They are meeting up with me this evening and we are going to hit the town running.”

Elton John Announces He Will Be Singing At The 2008 Beijing Olympics Closing Ceremony.

China Says "Try And Put This Bastard Out"

After months of protests around the world about China's human rights record which resulted in attempts to put out the Olympic flame,The Chinese Government have unveiled a flame which burns more fuel than a small country. However, under the current ecological climate we feel the flame proves that China really does care deeply about the environment.

By Eric Shunn

Bush Joins The Tush Slapping Championship At Beijing Olympics

Mr Bush took time out from it all and enjoyed the delights of the Beijing Olympics. It looked to all the world that President Bush was concentrating on bringing home the Gold for his country even if it was such a painful experience for him?????

George Bush Tells Chinese Counterpart "America Won't Stand For Human Rights Abuses"

Political Display In Arrest Dismay

Olympics-theme floral displays have been arrested in south Beijing, China after one of the displays dared to unfurl the banned Tibetan flag. As yet no word has been heard of the arrested floral display but Gardening experts fear that being left in a dark cell without plant food or adequate water may spell the end for such a heroic display.

China Denies Michael Jackson Visited Tibet

Michael Jacksons alleged come back tour in Tibet during the Olympic Flame ceremony has been denied vigorously by Chinese officials. Not much of a Thriller there then!

Opium Smoking Panda's In Photo Exclusive

China has denied today that it's Giant Panda's have been openly smoking Opium pipes.

Exclusive photo's have been released around the world that contradicts Chinese officials claims.

Rumours are circulating that the Giant Panda's will be blowing smoke rings at the opening ceremony of this years Olympic Games in the form of the official olympic symbol. This too has been refuted by China today.

Anger over star's quake remarks

Actress Sharon Stone has sparked criticism in China after claiming the recent earthquake could have been the result of bad "karma".

The US star, speaking at the Cannes Film Festival, linked the recent disaster to Beijing's policy on Tibet. Hollywood insiders are asking if this could also be the reason for her own bad choice in movie roles?

China Denies Genetic Cloning Has Been Used In Order To Create Worlds First Panda Chess Game.

Tibet Protesters And Police In Olympic Battle

As the China Olympics draws ever nearer a protester and a policeman In Kathmandu try out for the Olympic relay team.

Macdonalds Criticised Over New Ad Campaign

The Olympic Torch Is Due To Arrive In London

Panda Research Causes Knee Jerk Reactions

China's notoriously sex-shy pandas are being put through a rigorous "Sexercise" programme in a new effort to encourage them to mate, state media reported on Tuesday.

It was confirmed that a Panda Breeding and Research Centre in the south-western province of Sichuan is making male pandas walk on their two legs to strengthen their pelvic and hip muscles, to better prepare them for sex. The move, which is achieved by luring male pandas up with an apple, looks remarkably like a dance routine and is aimed to boost the animal's sexual stamina. At one stage it had also been reported that a multi-gym had been installed at the centre to encourage further strengthening of muscles for the panda populace.

Giant pandas are known to be sexually inactive, but the new measure follows several other initiatives taken to try and encourage breeding, including the recently reviewed panda pornography in your favourite magazine. The quirky measures aim to ensure the survival of one of the world's most endangered animals.

The rigorous regime of exercise has caused some concern however in the Panda compound. Just recently a handful of muscle bound panda’s had been sighted at the research centre sniffing their own armpits and flexing their muscles in exhibition type poses and in the tiniest of thongs. Two of the pandas concerned have also been found to be taking banned steroids. The side affects of these substances as is well documented, can result in the shrinking not only of the pandas libido but also its manhood too. A halt to some of the activities has been called for by leading experts for fear of rapidly increasing the demise of the panda population.

On a happier note however, more than 30 percent of pandas at the base in Chengdu can now have sex naturally, compared to just 10 percent a decade ago, according to the report. A steroid watch has been set in place at the research centre to ensure no further blatant acts of drug abuse take place.

Teddy And Teacher Head For China

Teacher Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Aigburth, Liverpool, who was jailed in Sudan for allowing her class to name a teddy bear Mohammed, is preparing to start a new job at a school in China, with her new bear “Chairman Mao”. The bears name was decided on after consultation with young Chinese school boy “Sum-yung-guy” We wish her well in her new venture.

Eric Shun (formerly known as Neil Batley)

Beckham Fans Splash Out In Wrong Products Scandal

Beckham's name used by condom company

A Chinese firm has used footballer David Beckham's name to promote its brand of condoms - without his permission. The firm is claiming men who use the Beckham contraceptive - which has become the best-selling in China - will score in bed like the L.A. Galaxy star does on the pitch (not that he has done much of that).

But fans in the country are calling for a ban on the condoms - because they don't want to offend the sportsman. A fan explains, "We do not want Beckham to think the Chinese people are disrespecting him. We love him here."

A spokesman for Beckham says, "It's not an official brand. David realises that his fans would buy products endorsed with his name but the company have not asked his permission and as such legal proceedings are in place to curtail such illegal branding. David understands that people wish to emulate him dribbling around the box but he feels his Chinese fans are splashing out on the wrong type of products."