Devil Speaks Out At Inconsistency Of Jesus Media Coverage With His Own

The devil came out in the press today to denounce the continuous publicity his arch enemy Jesus has been getting in the news. The Devil AKA Old Nick and Beelzebub, bemoaned the fact that Jesus has been reported in the last few months as appearing on a cushion, crisp, toast and lately a chunky Kit-Kat.

"It has to be said their is a lot of biased reporting going on and not just lately its been going on for years now. Everyone seems to go ooh! look at that its just like Jesus but the same never happens when it comes to me I can assure you. I'd be lucky to get a mention no matter how spectacular my image appeared. It truly comes to something when all i get compared with is politicians, tax men and traffic cops!"

Jesus has denied favouritism is the real reason for such news worthy reports and added that he isn't always shown in good light. Jesus was in fact referring to the fact he was alleged to have appeared on a dogs anus in the past. "By all means the Dark Lord can have that one if he wishes it's fine by me."

The Devil is to launch his own Internet publicity company in order to spread his corporate image in better light than it already is. Our business Affairs correspondent Ken Stott has placed doubt on this being a good business proposition taking into account the Madonna 50th Birthday apparition the Devil made last August.

Hairy Nude Madonna Photo Goes For $37,500 at Auction

Madonna and Guy To Split

Guy Ritchie may look like a new member of the X-Men but alas he is no longer to be seen on the arm of Pop Diva Madonna. By all accounts the aging Diva is soon to look for another husband perhaps a Malawi father for her adopted Malawi child would be the next trophy to adorn her arm in future months? Some say that the soon to be divorce may mean Guy can concentrate on making hit movies whilst others who have seen Mr Madonna's film know that could never happen.

Happy 50th Birthday Madonna

A youthful looking Madge reaches a respectable 50 years of age today. The singing Diva has denied she has been asking her close circle of friends to say she is only 36 years of age. Either way we feel she is looking better and better every year.

Madonna In New Adoption Row.

Madonna has denied rumours that she has tried to adopt yet again under controversial circumstances.

The aging Diva has attempted to scotch rumours that she has tried to adopt Jimmy Krankie from the comedy duo the Krankies. We caught up with the songstress outside her London home and asked her to come clean over the matter.

Unfortunately Madonna would not answer any questions put to her. When asked if it was also true that the adoption attempt was a way in which her husband Guy Ritchie could procure the rights to film his next waste of celluloid “Krankies The Movie: Fandabbydozy”, she merely turned her back on our reporter and slammed her front door shut.

Celebrity Adoption Special Report

The current trend for Hollywood celebrities to adopt underprivileged children continues to spiral out of control. Last night Britney Spears announced that she is seeking to adopt. After the uproar of Madonna adopting a Humpa Lumpa and Paris Hilton, adopting a right old strop due to no one picking up on her trend of keeping an elephant as a pet, we now have this.

We call for an end to this travesty after it was reported that Britney Spears wishes to adopt a baby clown. Remember it was only 12 months ago that she stupidly adopted an aardvark after the A-Z craze hit America last year.

“I have always wanted to adopt even when I was 4 years old I had a motherly instinct like no other I know. These feelings have been with me for years and I truly feel that now is the time to get things right.” We asked Miss Spears if she was at all following the celebrity ‘B’ list craze of using songs in her press releases but this she denied. “No one ever thinks of the poor clowns do they? They are laughed at and ridiculed by people and always seem so terribly sad. I say “Send in the clowns” let us adopt them and let them know that American people have big hearts.”

We felt so strongly about this we lobbied President Bush to ask him to put a stop to this current celebrity trend.

"I cannot see anything wrong with what is going on at the moment. Clowns are freak’n funny. I once saw a clown down a litre of caster oil and then light his own fart: man that was brilliant. That was the turning point in my political career. I knew then that anything could happen as long as a clown was in charge of his destiny. She can adopt a freak’n wombat for all I care as long as she puts that school uniform on again.”

Malawi approves Madonna adoption

Malawi has confirmed that it has now officially adopted Pop Star Madonna. The singing Diva was unfortunately not available for comment last night when news broke just after midnight.

Justice Andrew Nyirenda said he was satisfied Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie were "perfect for the country".

President Bingu Wa Mutharika confirmed, "I am looking forward to enjoying Madonna's company now I have been allowed to officially adopt the Pop Star." This is by all accounts, irrespective of the wishes of the aging songstress. Madonna has been fighting the court action for 18 months now as she has no wish to move to one of the poorest African countries.

President Mutharika said that he decided to take court action to officially adopt Madonna in the hope that it would at last stop the trend of celebrities adopting children from third world countries. "I only hope this action works and plus if it means she stops making records I am sure the rest of the world will thank me for it. Originally I tried to adopt Angelina Jolie but I was unsuccessful in my attempts so Madonna it was."

Paris Hilton In Adoption Sit-In

The trend in Hollywood of late has been to adopt children from under privilege countries. Previous years trends has been as we are all aware to have a miniature dog as a fashion item. Paris Hilton who is known in America for her love of trend setting denounced the move in the press yesterday after months of silent anger.

Our Ace reporter Eris Shun spoke to Miss Hilton at one of her many palatial Californian homes.

“I thought that this would all be a flash in the pan but to hear Madonna is trying to adopt another child I think it’s freaking terrible.” The dulcet toned beauty spat out to our roving reporter. “Nothing happens in this country with out me creating the current trend. I wanted the next trend to be Elephants but that bitch goes and does this.”

Ms Hilton, heiress to the OK Diner chain of restaurants stamped her foot and asked for help to remove the ton of elephant dung her pet, Fifi had deposited on the pavement.

We doubt very much that this will be the last we hear from Mis Hilton over this celebrity row as rumours are foot that a "Z" list of celebrities plan a spate of protests in Tinsel Town over the next month or two. We doubt however, that anyone will notice or even care. Miss Hilton was last seen remonstrating with a patrol officer after he had issued her with a fine for her pet soiling the pavement.

The New Face Of Camilla Is Pop Star

After the long wait it has been announced that Madonna has been declared the new face of Camilla Parker Bowles Beauty Products (c).

The ageless songstress who is nearing her 50th birthday this year puts her youthful looks down to a regime of exercise and healthy eating.

The chief executive of Camilla had this to say about the lucrative deal Madonna has signed with his company.

"It is a testimony to the Camilla product range that Madonna has signed this 3 year deal. We are very pleased indeed and hope to have her face on our products shortly. No one can say after looking at Madonna that she hasn't kept her looks over the years. We feel this endorsement is a win win deal."