Pope Condemns Denial Of Holocaust

Early Picture of Pope Discovered

An early picture of pope Benedict XVI has been found in the cellars of what was the Hitler Youth headquarters in Berlin. The picture appears to show the young Benedict receiving the blessing of the Nazi party on his head from his local Stummpengrummpenfuher.

The pope claims he has no recollection of the incident but said he is still a bit scared of men who wear shiny jewel encrusted bracelets.

By SLAP

Pope Speaks of Peace In The World?

Speaking from the Vatican, the Pope prayed for the opponents of the "twisted logic of conflict and violence" I take it he wasn't listening to his own twisted logic of conflict when speaking out about non heterosexual genders?

Vatican Deny Shroud Of Turin Toilet Paper Being Used In Pope Benedict's Private Restroom

A Vatican spokesman today denied rumours that the Shroud of Turin's ancient image is adorned across the pope's very own toilet paper. When asked to stop back tracking and wipe the slate clean by an overly enthusiastic local report, cardinal Alphonso had this to say to awaiting press.

" We totally refute such blatant lies, why everyone knows his holiness uses Sudoku toilet roll whilst in quiet meditation." The Global News Terrorists wonders if the cardinal is telling the truth or is he merely trying to keep a lid on the whole matter? We can assure our readers we will try to get to the bottom of this for you one way or another.

The Editor

George Bush And Pope In Record Breaking Mistake

President Bush made another howler after seeing Pope Benedict on the news in a recent religious ceremony. President Bush assuming that the pope was competing in the Record Breaking spittoon attempt prepared himself for his very own attempt at the record. A spokes person for the Record Breakers Association would not deny nor confirm if such a record had ever been attempted. However they did state that they doubted that his Holiness would participate in such a thing, as for President Bush, well that is another matter.

The Global News Terrorists Reviews Vatican's 10 Commandments

The Vatican took a day off from its normal theological matters last Tuesday to issue its own rules of the road.

It issued a 36-page document entitled "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road" containing 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.

"Cars tend to bring out the 'Devil' in human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," according to the document.

It appealed to what it called the "noble tendencies" of the human spirit, urging responsibility and as respected called for self-control not self-abuse.

The document's Fifth Commandment reads: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."

The document’s Sixth Commandment reads: “Thou shall not give other drivers the holy one fingered salute- least not when in a built up area outside the papal palace.”

Asked at a news conference when a car could become an occasion of sin, Cardinal Renault Martino said: "When a car is used as a place for sin like dogging and other such things."
When we asked Cardinal Martino about some car drivers using their cars as an extension of their manhood he replied, “ I can assure you when I get behind the wheel of my Subaru Impressa, I do not feel an unholy throbbing between my legs and so therefore nor should others. As for his Holiness the Pope I cannot comment.”

We have noticed however his Holiness has an enigmatic smile whenever he is being transported in his pope mobile.

One part of the document, under the section "Vanity and personal glorification", will not go down well with owners of Ferraris in motor-mad Italy.

"Cars particularly lend themselves to being used by their owners to show off, and as a means for outshining other people and arousing a feeling of envy," it said. “It urged readers not to behave in an "unsatisfactory and even barely human manner" when driving and to avoid what it called "unbalanced behaviour ... impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, picking one’s nose and flicking it and blasphemy ..."

Praying while driving, however, was encouraged. “I would suggest that 3 Hail Mary’s and 2 Our Fathers should help but please do not take your hands of you wheels or close your eyes whilst driving.” The Cardinal insisted.

Vatican City, the world's smallest sovereign state, doesn't have many of the problems listed in the document.

It has about 1,000 cars, the speed limit is 20mph and one Vatican official said the last accident inside Vatican City's walls was about one-and-a-half years ago. This was when Pope Benedict nearly crashed into Cardinal Benzenies Ducatti. We can assure you the language used by both cannot be repeated here.