Camping No Longer For Heterosexuals Survey Concludes

Heterosexual men are still refusing to go camping according to a recent survey has concluded. Words like camp bed, camp fire and camping are being shunned by many for more manly words like outdoor living, airbed’s and bonfires.

The nation’s favourite sayings are on the wane as heterosexual men refuse to use the “C “word anymore due to it possibly tainting their masculinity.

One person who has shunned such activities since his teens, Harry Flint had this to say on the issue, “Well its wrong isn’t it! I learnt from an early age that no self respecting man should be calling themselves a “Happy Camper” what kind of example is that to our children? Adventurer is a far better description if you ask me.”

“The last time I used the word camp bed I was laughed at mercilessly by my friends who promptly put on a camp voice and shouted things like, “ooh! Are you going to slip in to the camp love? Do you enter the back way or the front?”

Even in the world of politics the “C” word has been misconstrued. According to official memo’s President Obama was very reluctant to say on American Television that had had entered Camp David quite a few times over the course of a weekend. This was during peace negotiations with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the first few months of his presidency.

According to sources some within the Republican Party are still trying to trace a man called David to see if any laws were broken in order to remove the President from office.

Peter Tatchell said, “Heterosexuals can change the words all they want but at the end of the day they are just stonewalling and it is an out rage.”

Government Flushed Over Industrial Action

Reading, chatting, eating and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet, according to a recent survey.

The study suggests more than 14 million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines on the loo. The poll points to eight million people talking - either on the phone or to family - and one in five send texts.

TURD, the Trade Union for Rectal Dignity, have called for its members to come out on strike against the use of toilets for non faecal activity. Ken Stott speaking on behalf of his union confirmed, “For far too long now people have stopped using our affiliated members for natural purposes. The recent survey only reiterates the outcome our members have been forced to experience over the last few years. We call on the government to make a U-Bend (surly U-Turn: Ed) on its decision to allow such a travesty to escalate. An official strike will be in place from Saturday evening till Monday evening this week. All our members are in agreement and an all in strike vote was achieved with 97% of our members backing our official action.”

Doctors have called for the government to try and stem the flow of strike action over fears it may irritate the National Health Service even further than it already is. One Government Agency also expressed its fear that the expected industrial action could in fact blow up in the Prime Ministers face if not handled carefully.

Brits Think Churchill Didn't Exist

Are people in Britain losing a grip on fact and fiction? Nearly one in four believe Winston Churchill and Florence Nightingale are myths and more than half thinking Sherlock Holmes actually existed.

We spoke to a group of teenager at a school in the heart of England. Terry Ainscoe said when informed of the results of this survey, " I cannot believe that people think Churchill didn't exist surely they have seen the Churchill Insurance adverts on the television."

When our reporter asked if Terry new when the Battle of Hastings occurred he quite rightly informed us it was in the year 1066. He unfortunately also added that everyone knows it was 1066 because of the song on Hastings Insurance advertisements on the television.

Perhaps the national curriculum should purely be based on Insurance Companies advertisements and maybe then we could get some of the youth of the day to pass a history exam.