Lack Of Traditional Cockney Food To Blame For Riot

A riot occurred last night at a typical friendly, West Ham Millwall derby game after a public house near to Upton Park ran out of jellied eel’s minutes before the match started. The Police are currently trawling through hours of CCTV footage to try and trace the catering firm who failed to deliver appropriate amounts of good old East End food.

Riot police were called in the instant it was realised by staff at the public house that demand on the night was out weighing their supply. Unfortunately for the public house concerned the police arrived far too late. By that time the catering suppliers were long gone and there wasn’t a jellied eel or an eel pie to rub together and the public house was a wreck.

Frankie Knuckles, proprietor of the pub concerned was scathing in his condemnation of the catering firm and so called darker forces behind the shameful night’s escapades. “I blame the Football Association and other northern linked forces behind this. They don’t like us eating our traditional East End fare. They would rather we ate muck like chips and cheese like northerners do. To be honest I think they paid the catering firm a bung to deprive us hard working cockney’s of the food we like. It’s no wonder some of the natives were restless last night.”

One witness to the shameful night confirmed, “ I hear that rival fans invaded the pitch because of a rumour that a plate of eel pie and mash was on the half way line."

Another fan stated," It is shocking that the two football clubs continued with the game especially after what had gone on that night. It comes to something when football clubs today can continue with a game knowing our eel supplies had dried up. We are in danger of losing our East End hospitality as well as our identity. ”

The catering firms office was locked and they were not returning any phone calls and police have asked the general public to be vigilant . Should anyone know the ware abouts of such caterers then they should call crime stoppers.

"If the locals find them first they will get a right good kicking when they catch up with them." Mr Knuckles confirmed.

Kemp In Drugs Protest

A group of unidentifiable people held a silent protest waving banners calling for the " Legalization of Kemp" in London yesterday. A flurry of press and television attention quickly encircled the home of Actor Ross Kemp near Sheppard's Bush. The actor formerly of the BBC's, Eastenders television programme was flummoxed by the sudden media attention.

Mr Kemp denied any knowledge of such a protest nor of the reasons behind it as he felt he hadn't done anything to warrant him being legalised by the courts . Police called to the scene by local residents quickly cleared up any confusion when it transpired that it was a group of dyslexic Marijuana smokers who were actually seeking the legalisation of Hemp.