New Diet Craze Endorsed by Jesus

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: You don’t seem to be able to motivate yourself to do all that you’d planned with friends. Maybe killing all of them in one go is a little too extreme perhaps two a month would be more realistic.

Leo: That experiment with barbiturates and alcohol hasn’t turned out as you expected has it? Being chained to a filthy bed wearing a gimp suit in that spooky house on the hill, well it looks like the nightmares have only just begun.

Sagittarius: Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is all well and good but not whilst at the beauty spot commonly known as ‘Suicide’s Leap’. It will leave your loved ones scratching their heads over this one.

Taurus: Don’t clash with Aquarians they know more than you think. Yes, even the bit about the Philippines Lady Boy and the spatula.

Virgo: Love interests get a little sticky this month as you are inundated with phone call after phone call for a date. I guess your friends writing your mobile number and sexual practices on the men’s toilet wall doesn’t help much.

Capricorn: It’s a week like this that you wished you had never got involved with the wrong people. Fashion wise you should have no concerns as you will look good in a concrete suit holding up the new flyover.

Gemini: You know that when you want something you go all out for it. Nothing will stop you when you put your mind to it. Unless it is the heavily armed SWAT team waiting for you to come out of the bank you have just held up.

Libra: Your feeling cut up about private matters this week fortunately your love for self harming will make the moment a little more bearable.

Aquarius: You’re bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Do you actually realise how difficult it is to get on the witness protection programme and stay alive?

Cancer: The news is still not looking good!

Scorpio: You are so close to your dreams you can smell it. However, wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe means you are going to have to dig deep and so maybe a digger rather than a shovel would be worth investing in.

Pisces: You may be forced to play piggy in the middle today. Taking that last fork on the left whilst on a canoeing trip wasn’t a wise move. You may want to start playing the banjo.

Camping No Longer For Heterosexuals Survey Concludes

Heterosexual men are still refusing to go camping according to a recent survey has concluded. Words like camp bed, camp fire and camping are being shunned by many for more manly words like outdoor living, airbed’s and bonfires.

The nation’s favourite sayings are on the wane as heterosexual men refuse to use the “C “word anymore due to it possibly tainting their masculinity.

One person who has shunned such activities since his teens, Harry Flint had this to say on the issue, “Well its wrong isn’t it! I learnt from an early age that no self respecting man should be calling themselves a “Happy Camper” what kind of example is that to our children? Adventurer is a far better description if you ask me.”

“The last time I used the word camp bed I was laughed at mercilessly by my friends who promptly put on a camp voice and shouted things like, “ooh! Are you going to slip in to the camp love? Do you enter the back way or the front?”

Even in the world of politics the “C” word has been misconstrued. According to official memo’s President Obama was very reluctant to say on American Television that had had entered Camp David quite a few times over the course of a weekend. This was during peace negotiations with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the first few months of his presidency.

According to sources some within the Republican Party are still trying to trace a man called David to see if any laws were broken in order to remove the President from office.

Peter Tatchell said, “Heterosexuals can change the words all they want but at the end of the day they are just stonewalling and it is an out rage.”

Government To Infect Citizens To Justify £1.24 Billion Costs

The Con/Lib government leader David Cameron announced yesterday that drastic measure are to be made after it was confirmed the true cost of the recent flu pandemic.

THE swine flu pandemic cost UK taxpayers £1.24billion in a “hugely expensive farce”, critics said last night.

However, a report, commissioned by the Health Department, says lessons must be learnt because another flu pandemic is inevitable. However, it concludes that the amount of money spent was justified and that it had been better to be safe than sorry.

At the height of the flu pandemic last summer, the Government warned that, in a worst-case scenario, up to 65,000 people could die. To protect the public, more than 100 million doses of a swine flu jab were ordered to provide every man, woman and child with two doses each.

A government spokesman confirmed, "In order to make sure that future pandemics are not as costly the government plans to slowly release the flu virus in the country over a six week period. This will enable the surplus supplies of drugs bought from manufacturers to be used up. Obviously we will have to allow a couple of thousand people to die first just to scare the populous. Only then we will start using the surplus vaccine stocks."

When asked which areas would be targeted for such an operation, " Well of course it would be best released in to areas of high unemployment and social deprivation so the entire North of the country."

Further measures to be introduced by Mr Cameron's government are the reintroduction of the plague and just to pacify some on the Tory back bencher's the summary burnings of witches and and errant priests.

New England World Cup Film Out Now

Modern Technology Would Only Confirm England Are Still Crap FIFA Concludes

After Frank Lampard’s goal was disallowed during the 4-1 defeat at the hands of Germany a cry for modern technology to be introduced into the game has been made. Unfortunately FIFA spokesman Nicholas Maingot refused to comment on the referee’s howler that had cost England to lose 4-1 instead of 3-2 after Lampard’s goal was mistakenly ruled as not a goal.

Maingot, was speaking at a press conference in Johannesburg yesterday. On several occasions he refused to be drawn on the matter stating he was not qualified to speak about refereeing matters.

Calls for FIFA President Sepp Blatter to attend after demands for top level answers fell on deaf ears and it was left to Mr Maingot to not answer the questions instead of Mr Blatter who would have not answered at the questions just as professionally at the conference.

Professionals have called for future games to incorporate modern technology in order to help referees at future England games to show the correct defeating score line.

However, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has so far ruled out such technology.
“It would be too time consuming and anyway everyone knows how rubbish England actually are without having to payout for added technology! He then went on to do a rendition of the football anthem “Your crap and you know you are!” to those around him.

In another report today it has been confirmed that a video of England’s South African World Cup tour has been bought up by a Gay Adult TV Show. When The Rank News asked the COE of the production company concerned why they have bought the rights to the England squad’s highlights, Brent Oliver confirmed “Well where else would we be able to get our hands on footage of eleven arse holes being battered for 90 minutes?”

Energy Secretary Chris Huhne Confirms He Is Leaving His Wife For Another Woman

Controversy Over New South African World Cup Poster

FIFA To Investigate Robert Green's Gloves After Blunder Against USA

Level 1000 Mafia Wars Player Now Wondering Where His Life Has Gone

A British man who has just been promoted to a level 1000 in Mafia Wars is now wondering were all his life has gone.

Jimmy "Chicken Legs" Brown was walking on air yesterday evening when he achieved his ultimate wish by becoming a level 1000 Mafia Boss.

The elation however, didn't last long after he had realised he no longer shared the family home with his family. His wife Mary we can confirm had left him some months earlier and moved back in with her mother along with his two children.

A sudden dark realisation hit Jimmy like an ice pick in his ear an hour or two after achieving his goal. After completing his last task he looked up and realised he was sitting in a darkened livingroom with only his dead cat to keep him company. This we have been told brought on a serious bout of depression, the likes of which Jimmy had not experienced since he was kicked off Facebooks FarmVille Application for pitchforking all the farmyard animals.

According to his wife, Jimmy had spent most of the last year plugging away at the Facebook application and in the process managed to miss his 20-year-old sons first spoken words since he became a teenager.

"I feel so depressed. My wife and family meant so much to me and to think I let a diamond heist, a brothel and running one of the biggest gangland mobs get in the way of my family commitments."

"I have tried to take my mind off it by playing Bouncing Balls on Facebook instead but so far all I have managed to do is get a callus the size of a cumquat on my right hand! To top the lot I have now also received a letter from the government saying the Italian authorities are looking to extradite me back to Sicily to stand trial. I wouldn't mind the nearest I have ever been to Italy was when I accidentally touched Simona Agostini's leg in junior school and she was only half Italian!"