Weekly Star Signs

Aries : Out with the old and in with the new is your motto today. Try not to worry if this also means your reputation

Leo: Your obsession with TV adverts asking for old gold peaks this week when you are interviewed by the police over a spate of attacks on pensioners with gold teeth at the retirement home you work at.

Sagittarius: There are highs and there are lows but there are some high lows you just cannot stop smiling at today.

Taurus: Your eating disorder means that you have to be extra careful today after you taste and like something that you never thought you would – flesh!

Virgo: It’s the perfect time to start any long term-projects you’ve been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel good again – and if you believe that you sad and lonely malcontent you are more stupid than you look.

Capricorn: Talking through problems with a love one today can build important bridges or just as likely see you doing 18 years for matricide.

Gemini: You have been trying to do too much lately and neglected the little things in life. A good idea would be to let the police know where your victim is before their oxygen runs out seeing as you’ve received the ransom money.

Libra: You know you always like playing devils advocate well stop it. Enough is enough you are rubbish at it and no one gives a rat’s ass at what you think anyway.

Aquarius: You are not exactly known for your patience recently are you? Why don’t you try asking the question that is rubbing you up the wrong way - Do I suit a man thong?

Cancer: Smile it could be worse you could be married to Jim Davidson.

Scorpio: Do you know that old saying “When the hunter becomes the hunted”? Well I think now is a good time to start running. The over 60’s bingo club have just turned up at your local and you are ripe for the picking.

Pisces: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me –comes to mind today at work. Unfortunately your colleagues have come up with a new name for you and boy is this one going to hurt.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: A good time to get in touch with neglected friends even if it is to only laugh mockingly in their battered and bruised faces.

Leo: Your family are worried about you and justifiably so. Somehow strapping a bomb to your chest and saying things like “see you in paradise” as you walk out of the door it is hardly surprising.

Sagittarius: You are set to get invites from some unexpected people today. It is best to make sure your friend has paid your loan money to the local Triad gang before you leave the house. If not it could be the last time you see your teddy Mr Twinkle ever again.

Taurus: Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance of all three. You will be diagnosed as morbidly obese; having syphilis and you will win £2.50 in an office sweep. What more could you wish for in life?

Virgo: You could find yourself heading towards an early grave this week. Be careful, doing 100 miles an hour isn't good for neither you nor the grieving relatives in the black limousine following you.

Capricorn: You need to dig your heels in at work today. Being a dominatrix in your spare time should put you in good stead surely.

Gemini: Today you get to realise some of your dreams but not the one involving your Nan, a gasmask and a plunger. Some thing’s are best kept hidden real deep.

Libra: New beginnings in your career make for an exciting time. It’s a pity you now find yourself at the helm of the TITANIC and steaming straight towards infamy.

Aquarius: Your day has been a bit hit and miss already. Luckily no one managed to write your license plate number down. How you are going to explain the broken windscreen and blood and hair on the wing of your car is another matter.

Cancer: The news is looking critical be warned.

Scorpio: You may not be getting on with a partners friend or family lately. Take a step backwards, take a deep breath and swing that baseball bat like you really mean it. Now that should shut them up.

Pisces: Dealing with any sort of emergency is going to be a problem. More so when those around you realise you are not qualified to operate on a heart patient and you have way too much facial hair for a female doctor called Mandy.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: You don’t seem to be able to motivate yourself to do all that you’d planned with friends. Maybe killing all of them in one go is a little too extreme perhaps two a month would be more realistic.

Leo: That experiment with barbiturates and alcohol hasn’t turned out as you expected has it? Being chained to a filthy bed wearing a gimp suit in that spooky house on the hill, well it looks like the nightmares have only just begun.

Sagittarius: Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is all well and good but not whilst at the beauty spot commonly known as ‘Suicide’s Leap’. It will leave your loved ones scratching their heads over this one.

Taurus: Don’t clash with Aquarians they know more than you think. Yes, even the bit about the Philippines Lady Boy and the spatula.

Virgo: Love interests get a little sticky this month as you are inundated with phone call after phone call for a date. I guess your friends writing your mobile number and sexual practices on the men’s toilet wall doesn’t help much.

Capricorn: It’s a week like this that you wished you had never got involved with the wrong people. Fashion wise you should have no concerns as you will look good in a concrete suit holding up the new flyover.

Gemini: You know that when you want something you go all out for it. Nothing will stop you when you put your mind to it. Unless it is the heavily armed SWAT team waiting for you to come out of the bank you have just held up.

Libra: Your feeling cut up about private matters this week fortunately your love for self harming will make the moment a little more bearable.

Aquarius: You’re bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Do you actually realise how difficult it is to get on the witness protection programme and stay alive?

Cancer: The news is still not looking good!

Scorpio: You are so close to your dreams you can smell it. However, wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe means you are going to have to dig deep and so maybe a digger rather than a shovel would be worth investing in.

Pisces: You may be forced to play piggy in the middle today. Taking that last fork on the left whilst on a canoeing trip wasn’t a wise move. You may want to start playing the banjo.