Weekly Star Signs

Aries : Out with the old and in with the new is your motto today. Try not to worry if this also means your reputation

Leo: Your obsession with TV adverts asking for old gold peaks this week when you are interviewed by the police over a spate of attacks on pensioners with gold teeth at the retirement home you work at.

Sagittarius: There are highs and there are lows but there are some high lows you just cannot stop smiling at today.

Taurus: Your eating disorder means that you have to be extra careful today after you taste and like something that you never thought you would – flesh!

Virgo: It’s the perfect time to start any long term-projects you’ve been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel good again – and if you believe that you sad and lonely malcontent you are more stupid than you look.

Capricorn: Talking through problems with a love one today can build important bridges or just as likely see you doing 18 years for matricide.

Gemini: You have been trying to do too much lately and neglected the little things in life. A good idea would be to let the police know where your victim is before their oxygen runs out seeing as you’ve received the ransom money.

Libra: You know you always like playing devils advocate well stop it. Enough is enough you are rubbish at it and no one gives a rat’s ass at what you think anyway.

Aquarius: You are not exactly known for your patience recently are you? Why don’t you try asking the question that is rubbing you up the wrong way - Do I suit a man thong?

Cancer: Smile it could be worse you could be married to Jim Davidson.

Scorpio: Do you know that old saying “When the hunter becomes the hunted”? Well I think now is a good time to start running. The over 60’s bingo club have just turned up at your local and you are ripe for the picking.

Pisces: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me –comes to mind today at work. Unfortunately your colleagues have come up with a new name for you and boy is this one going to hurt.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries
Today will see you in two minds as to what you should do with your life. However, I am not quite sure crack or cocaine is the wisest of choices.

Leo
Your artistic streak comes to the fore today when you have the opportunity to spray-paint what you really think of your next door neighbours on their brand new car.

Sagittarius
Whilst all around you appears to be in chaos just remember you are tied to a chair and the detonator is due to go off any minute now. It’s time to panic.

Taurus
The sun in your star sign elevates you to new heights this week unfortunately for you your fear of heights may be your one and only stumbling block.

Virgo
Your attempt to move a solid object with your mind ends in a sticky mess through straining yourself too much. A spare pair of underwear may be advisable.

Capricorn
You will find that nothing you do this week will get in the way of your dreams.
Taking over the world however, may just be pushing it too far.

Gemini
Your hatred of animals may find you being kicked of the Farmville App you have recently discovered. Pitch forking the cows and burning down the barn with the farmer in it may have been one abuse too many for Facebook.

Libra
Don’t be surprised if family and friends comment on how much you have changed lately. There are not that many full moons so hopefully you will start looking yourself shortly.

Aquarius
The chance to mix with a different set of faces puts a spring in your step. I guess the word of you and animals has spread across the remand centre quicker than you expected.

Cancer
Look around and watch the actions of those close to you that should spell out to you how long you have if nothing else does.

Scorpio
Nothing is what it seems just now so wait till the morning when the alcohol has warn off. You will be walking like John Wayne and unable to sit down for a week.

Pisces
Imaginary friends when you are a child are one thing but at 30 it can look strange to others. Especially when you tell that girl in the pub that Mr Bunny Wunny touched her bum and not you, be warned.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: A good time to get in touch with neglected friends even if it is to only laugh mockingly in their battered and bruised faces.

Leo: Your family are worried about you and justifiably so. Somehow strapping a bomb to your chest and saying things like “see you in paradise” as you walk out of the door it is hardly surprising.

Sagittarius: You are set to get invites from some unexpected people today. It is best to make sure your friend has paid your loan money to the local Triad gang before you leave the house. If not it could be the last time you see your teddy Mr Twinkle ever again.

Taurus: Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance of all three. You will be diagnosed as morbidly obese; having syphilis and you will win £2.50 in an office sweep. What more could you wish for in life?

Virgo: You could find yourself heading towards an early grave this week. Be careful, doing 100 miles an hour isn't good for neither you nor the grieving relatives in the black limousine following you.

Capricorn: You need to dig your heels in at work today. Being a dominatrix in your spare time should put you in good stead surely.

Gemini: Today you get to realise some of your dreams but not the one involving your Nan, a gasmask and a plunger. Some thing’s are best kept hidden real deep.

Libra: New beginnings in your career make for an exciting time. It’s a pity you now find yourself at the helm of the TITANIC and steaming straight towards infamy.

Aquarius: Your day has been a bit hit and miss already. Luckily no one managed to write your license plate number down. How you are going to explain the broken windscreen and blood and hair on the wing of your car is another matter.

Cancer: The news is looking critical be warned.

Scorpio: You may not be getting on with a partners friend or family lately. Take a step backwards, take a deep breath and swing that baseball bat like you really mean it. Now that should shut them up.

Pisces: Dealing with any sort of emergency is going to be a problem. More so when those around you realise you are not qualified to operate on a heart patient and you have way too much facial hair for a female doctor called Mandy.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: You don’t seem to be able to motivate yourself to do all that you’d planned with friends. Maybe killing all of them in one go is a little too extreme perhaps two a month would be more realistic.

Leo: That experiment with barbiturates and alcohol hasn’t turned out as you expected has it? Being chained to a filthy bed wearing a gimp suit in that spooky house on the hill, well it looks like the nightmares have only just begun.

Sagittarius: Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is all well and good but not whilst at the beauty spot commonly known as ‘Suicide’s Leap’. It will leave your loved ones scratching their heads over this one.

Taurus: Don’t clash with Aquarians they know more than you think. Yes, even the bit about the Philippines Lady Boy and the spatula.

Virgo: Love interests get a little sticky this month as you are inundated with phone call after phone call for a date. I guess your friends writing your mobile number and sexual practices on the men’s toilet wall doesn’t help much.

Capricorn: It’s a week like this that you wished you had never got involved with the wrong people. Fashion wise you should have no concerns as you will look good in a concrete suit holding up the new flyover.

Gemini: You know that when you want something you go all out for it. Nothing will stop you when you put your mind to it. Unless it is the heavily armed SWAT team waiting for you to come out of the bank you have just held up.

Libra: Your feeling cut up about private matters this week fortunately your love for self harming will make the moment a little more bearable.

Aquarius: You’re bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Do you actually realise how difficult it is to get on the witness protection programme and stay alive?

Cancer: The news is still not looking good!

Scorpio: You are so close to your dreams you can smell it. However, wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe means you are going to have to dig deep and so maybe a digger rather than a shovel would be worth investing in.

Pisces: You may be forced to play piggy in the middle today. Taking that last fork on the left whilst on a canoeing trip wasn’t a wise move. You may want to start playing the banjo.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries It would be in your interest to remember the motto forewarned is forearmed. So when next in the wrestling ring remember to watch out for that forearm that is about open your nose up like a burst sausage.

Leo Someone who you thought didn’t care for you is about to prove you right get on with it.

Sagittarius Don’t talk to people you do not really know. They are not interested in your sad lonely existence anymore than your mum and dad is.

Taurus you know you have no intention of honouring the promises you made so put the election behind you and enjoy your new found power.

Virgo Your life is the centre of so much speculation and you feel everyone is watching you right now. Unfortunately it is 1942 and you live in occupied France. Expect an unexpected visit in the middle of the night.

Capricorn You have a lot on your mind right now but that is to be expected seeing as both God and the Devil keep talking to you about their problems.

Gemini Paperwork sent off now can see you getting ahead of the competition. Just be careful your associates do not realise what you are up to. You could be left holding up the new motorway in a concrete grave.

Libra You know you have learnt a lot over the years but somehow being able to walk thru speeding cars on the motorway whilst drunk isn’t one of them.

Aquarius Someone who you thought was going to back out on a deal has had a change of heart. It’s just a pity you have already burnt all his clothes and left his cat in the microwave oven.

Cancer You are going to have to slow down a little seeing as you’re not long for this world.

Scorpio Arrogance is not an attractive trait but why should you care they are all beneath you anyway.

Pisces Dealing with a delicate family matter could be difficult this week. She is your grandmother after all and it is doubtful your parents will understand your carnal desires.

Sept 21:Today's Horoscopes Bringing Your Future Before It's Too Late

Aries Mar 21 - April 19
It’s proving easy to upset those around you today. Try doing it with a smile on your face it will hurt them more that way.

Leo July 24 -Aug 23

This is not a great day for starting things so don’t even try. It’s Monday and we know you would rather be at home informing the police about your neighbour’s activities.

Sagittarius Nov23-Dec21
You are aiming way to high today and lets face it can you really afford another new assistant for you Wild West Shooting act?

Taurus Apr 21 - Mar21

Patience is the key to your success today. Bite your tongue and don’t panic that rumour about your work colleague you posted on the office message board will soon bring dividends.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23

With the sun in your chart you hold the power to open doors which were previously closed. This is sure to come in handy with all those shopping bags you are expecting to be carrying this afternoon.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20
You will be doing all you can today to find out what close ones are willing to commit to. However, saying that murder may be too extreme, for some of you older relatives.

Gemini May 22 - Jun 21

New regimes prove most successful. Looks like all of your fathers enemies may be taken care of without the need for years of planning.

Libra Sep 24 - Oct 23
Think before you speak, your tourettes hasn’t been cured as you may think right now.

Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19
A love one isn’t pulling their weight in the home and you are not sure how to broach the subject. You don’t have to it is written all over your face “Lazy B@$£&%?”

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 23

Today the stars favour peace talks. Just a pity the Israeli and Palestinian exchange students are visiting the same week.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22
This is a great time for you both professionally and personally which should be great news to the evil witches you call friends. Soon they will forget their differences and gang up to make you life the hell you deserve.

Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20

A new face has entered your life lately. Don’t force them into the lives of close ones straight away. Rest assured in time he will have made love to them all without your help.

Today's Horoscopes Bringing Your Future Before It's Too Late

Aries Mar 21 - April 19
Phone calls bring surprises today. There is much you will have to discuss with friends and family after you are arrested on embezzlement charges over the Christmas savings account.

Leo July 24 -Aug 23
This should be a very interesting week for you, making a change to an otherwise dull and unexciting existence.

Sagittarius Nov23-Dec21
Life can be like a merry go round and as ever you will soon be unsteady on your feet looking like the drunken bum your parents always knew you would turn out to be.

Taurus Apr 21 - Mar21
You may decide to make a change in your plans which will not matter to Death as he is already waiting at your new location with a smile on his face.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23
A new way to deal with a personal matter comes your way today but remember it could lead to an 18 – 20 year stretch in a top security prison if found out.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 20
You find you can end the day on a real high after finding that bulging purse and contacting your local dealer.

Gemini May 22 - Jun 21
You haven’t exactly been accommodating to a close one this week but after 25 years of marriage who can blame you.

Libra Sep 24 - Oct 23
You learn new things about yourself this week when you happen to read the graffiti on the office toilet door. It isn’t pretty.

Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19
Love ones are trying to get a reaction from you. Don’t take the bate by punching them in the face. Wait till they are not looking and spit in their drink you will thank me in the long run.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 23
Go and see you doctor today the news isn’t good.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22
Travel will be tedious today just like that women’s conversation you listen too every single day of the week. Take the week off as she may have found another family member with an incurable illness to talk to you about.

Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20
Don’t decline last minute invitations; they could bring your birthday and Christmas all at once. Provided that is, that you were born on Christmas day and you have managed to lose four months of your life.