Modern Technology Would Only Confirm England Are Still Crap FIFA Concludes

After Frank Lampard’s goal was disallowed during the 4-1 defeat at the hands of Germany a cry for modern technology to be introduced into the game has been made. Unfortunately FIFA spokesman Nicholas Maingot refused to comment on the referee’s howler that had cost England to lose 4-1 instead of 3-2 after Lampard’s goal was mistakenly ruled as not a goal.

Maingot, was speaking at a press conference in Johannesburg yesterday. On several occasions he refused to be drawn on the matter stating he was not qualified to speak about refereeing matters.

Calls for FIFA President Sepp Blatter to attend after demands for top level answers fell on deaf ears and it was left to Mr Maingot to not answer the questions instead of Mr Blatter who would have not answered at the questions just as professionally at the conference.

Professionals have called for future games to incorporate modern technology in order to help referees at future England games to show the correct defeating score line.

However, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has so far ruled out such technology.
“It would be too time consuming and anyway everyone knows how rubbish England actually are without having to payout for added technology! He then went on to do a rendition of the football anthem “Your crap and you know you are!” to those around him.

In another report today it has been confirmed that a video of England’s South African World Cup tour has been bought up by a Gay Adult TV Show. When The Rank News asked the COE of the production company concerned why they have bought the rights to the England squad’s highlights, Brent Oliver confirmed “Well where else would we be able to get our hands on footage of eleven arse holes being battered for 90 minutes?”

Apple Introduce Their Latest Product In The Shuffle Range

Apple have today launched their latest product in the highly successful shuffle range it's publication arm confirmed. The new "I-Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil", has been a surprise addition to the corporations range of high-tech products.

The one touch coffin has been developed for the funeral parlours and chapel of rest homes across the world. With a larger easy to use wheel you no longer have to wait for your love one's coffin lid to be removed. At a single touch you can view your loved one or relative instantly via the large digital display screen. In addition the new product allows music to be played whilst they wait to be buried or cremated.

The new "I-Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil" comes pre-loaded with hits like:

"We've Got To Get Out Of This Place" - The Animals.

"Going Underground" - The Jam.

"Great Balls Of Fire" - Jerry Lee Lewis

" The End" - The Doors

The new "I-Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil" will go on general sale in the next month or two and will be priced at around £1,500 in the UK and $350 in the USA.

Over Heard Conversations Archive Special:

Late 1970's

Eric: So what I was thinking was that people would be able to talk to each other across an invisible network as though they were right in each others room.

Paul: So it's like a telephone sex line then?

Eric: No. it's more of a technical advancement of technology but it can be used by the masses.

Paul: So it's for churches?

Eric: No I meant the general public.

Paul: I see

Eric: You will be able to play games with your friends in different countries.

Paul: What like hopscotch?

Eric: No I mean dual gaming systems that can be played with anyone anywhere.

Paul: Oh I see.

Eric: And people will be able to correspond with each other using electronic mailing systems.

Paul: Save on postage stamps then?

Eric: Yes and you can find information on anything in the world at a press of a button.

Paul: What about pictures then?

Eric: Yes that too. we will be able to download pictures and send then to friends.

Paul: I get it so it's basically an excuse for swapping porn with your mates then?

Eric: got it in one.