Aries : Out with the old and in with the new is your motto today. Try not to worry if this also means your reputation
Leo: Your obsession with TV adverts asking for old gold peaks this week when you are interviewed by the police over a spate of attacks on pensioners with gold teeth at the retirement home you work at.
Sagittarius: There are highs and there are lows but there are some high lows you just cannot stop smiling at today.
Taurus: Your eating disorder means that you have to be extra careful today after you taste and like something that you never thought you would – flesh!
Virgo: It’s the perfect time to start any long term-projects you’ve been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel good again – and if you believe that you sad and lonely malcontent you are more stupid than you look.
Capricorn: Talking through problems with a love one today can build important bridges or just as likely see you doing 18 years for matricide.
Gemini: You have been trying to do too much lately and neglected the little things in life. A good idea would be to let the police know where your victim is before their oxygen runs out seeing as you’ve received the ransom money.
Libra: You know you always like playing devils advocate well stop it. Enough is enough you are rubbish at it and no one gives a rat’s ass at what you think anyway.
Aquarius: You are not exactly known for your patience recently are you? Why don’t you try asking the question that is rubbing you up the wrong way - Do I suit a man thong?
Cancer: Smile it could be worse you could be married to Jim Davidson.
Scorpio: Do you know that old saying “When the hunter becomes the hunted”? Well I think now is a good time to start running. The over 60’s bingo club have just turned up at your local and you are ripe for the picking.
Pisces: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me –comes to mind today at work. Unfortunately your colleagues have come up with a new name for you and boy is this one going to hurt.