Aries: A good time to get in touch with neglected friends even if it is to only laugh mockingly in their battered and bruised faces.
Leo: Your family are worried about you and justifiably so. Somehow strapping a bomb to your chest and saying things like “see you in paradise” as you walk out of the door it is hardly surprising.
Sagittarius: You are set to get invites from some unexpected people today. It is best to make sure your friend has paid your loan money to the local Triad gang before you leave the house. If not it could be the last time you see your teddy Mr Twinkle ever again.
Taurus: Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance of all three. You will be diagnosed as morbidly obese; having syphilis and you will win £2.50 in an office sweep. What more could you wish for in life?
Virgo: You could find yourself heading towards an early grave this week. Be careful, doing 100 miles an hour isn't good for neither you nor the grieving relatives in the black limousine following you.
Capricorn: You need to dig your heels in at work today. Being a dominatrix in your spare time should put you in good stead surely.
Gemini: Today you get to realise some of your dreams but not the one involving your Nan, a gasmask and a plunger. Some thing’s are best kept hidden real deep.
Libra: New beginnings in your career make for an exciting time. It’s a pity you now find yourself at the helm of the TITANIC and steaming straight towards infamy.
Aquarius: Your day has been a bit hit and miss already. Luckily no one managed to write your license plate number down. How you are going to explain the broken windscreen and blood and hair on the wing of your car is another matter.
Cancer: The news is looking critical be warned.
Scorpio: You may not be getting on with a partners friend or family lately. Take a step backwards, take a deep breath and swing that baseball bat like you really mean it. Now that should shut them up.
Pisces: Dealing with any sort of emergency is going to be a problem. More so when those around you realise you are not qualified to operate on a heart patient and you have way too much facial hair for a female doctor called Mandy.
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