Weekly Horoscopes

Aries
Today will see you in two minds as to what you should do with your life. However, I am not quite sure crack or cocaine is the wisest of choices.

Leo
Your artistic streak comes to the fore today when you have the opportunity to spray-paint what you really think of your next door neighbours on their brand new car.

Sagittarius
Whilst all around you appears to be in chaos just remember you are tied to a chair and the detonator is due to go off any minute now. It’s time to panic.

Taurus
The sun in your star sign elevates you to new heights this week unfortunately for you your fear of heights may be your one and only stumbling block.

Virgo
Your attempt to move a solid object with your mind ends in a sticky mess through straining yourself too much. A spare pair of underwear may be advisable.

Capricorn
You will find that nothing you do this week will get in the way of your dreams.
Taking over the world however, may just be pushing it too far.

Gemini
Your hatred of animals may find you being kicked of the Farmville App you have recently discovered. Pitch forking the cows and burning down the barn with the farmer in it may have been one abuse too many for Facebook.

Libra
Don’t be surprised if family and friends comment on how much you have changed lately. There are not that many full moons so hopefully you will start looking yourself shortly.

Aquarius
The chance to mix with a different set of faces puts a spring in your step. I guess the word of you and animals has spread across the remand centre quicker than you expected.

Cancer
Look around and watch the actions of those close to you that should spell out to you how long you have if nothing else does.

Scorpio
Nothing is what it seems just now so wait till the morning when the alcohol has warn off. You will be walking like John Wayne and unable to sit down for a week.

Pisces
Imaginary friends when you are a child are one thing but at 30 it can look strange to others. Especially when you tell that girl in the pub that Mr Bunny Wunny touched her bum and not you, be warned.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: A good time to get in touch with neglected friends even if it is to only laugh mockingly in their battered and bruised faces.

Leo: Your family are worried about you and justifiably so. Somehow strapping a bomb to your chest and saying things like “see you in paradise” as you walk out of the door it is hardly surprising.

Sagittarius: You are set to get invites from some unexpected people today. It is best to make sure your friend has paid your loan money to the local Triad gang before you leave the house. If not it could be the last time you see your teddy Mr Twinkle ever again.

Taurus: Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance of all three. You will be diagnosed as morbidly obese; having syphilis and you will win £2.50 in an office sweep. What more could you wish for in life?

Virgo: You could find yourself heading towards an early grave this week. Be careful, doing 100 miles an hour isn't good for neither you nor the grieving relatives in the black limousine following you.

Capricorn: You need to dig your heels in at work today. Being a dominatrix in your spare time should put you in good stead surely.

Gemini: Today you get to realise some of your dreams but not the one involving your Nan, a gasmask and a plunger. Some thing’s are best kept hidden real deep.

Libra: New beginnings in your career make for an exciting time. It’s a pity you now find yourself at the helm of the TITANIC and steaming straight towards infamy.

Aquarius: Your day has been a bit hit and miss already. Luckily no one managed to write your license plate number down. How you are going to explain the broken windscreen and blood and hair on the wing of your car is another matter.

Cancer: The news is looking critical be warned.

Scorpio: You may not be getting on with a partners friend or family lately. Take a step backwards, take a deep breath and swing that baseball bat like you really mean it. Now that should shut them up.

Pisces: Dealing with any sort of emergency is going to be a problem. More so when those around you realise you are not qualified to operate on a heart patient and you have way too much facial hair for a female doctor called Mandy.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries
Another day of deep thought. What emerges is that you are
God and all your work colleagues must die.

Taurus
Another socially dynamic day, it’s just a pity you amounted to
nothing in your miserable life and no one will touch you with a bargepole.

Gemini
Your good looks will fall in to disarray today when the door of opportunity
refuses to open as wide as you expected it to when walking through it.

Cancer
With Mercury moving through your ‘faraway places’ zone it
may be time to seek medical help. Now!

Leo
Home, money, health and wellbeing are flagging up today unfortunately
you are the wrong star sign to enjoy such delights.

Virgo
At home you feel romance in the air, either because you live in a fantasy
world or just heavily sedated. Wise up you’ve been married to the slob for 35 years
it isn’t going to get any better than this.

Libra
New work routines bring fresh inspiration. Your fiendish plot to conquer and divide
could reap rewards at long last or you could just buy that high fat cheese and onion bagel
and save the plotting for another day!

Scorpio
Financially, you could be onto a winner but handling Nazi Gold it is bound to have some pit falls.
A sudden knock on the door could just as likely be Mossad as it could be Avon calling.

Sagittarius
You’re in a reflective mood again today so isn’t it about time you put that mirror down and left
your Narcissistic tendencies at home for once?

Capricorn
You realise just how far down the food chain you have become when you come face to face with
that predator you called a wife for 10 years at your divorce hearing today.

Aquarius
What you say or do today will get noticed favourably by the powers-that-be and could just lead
to that lighter prison sentence you have been looking for.

Pisces
With lots going on around you and people everywhere it may not be the right time to discover you have a gun in your handbag and you need to kill.