Parishioner Shocked At Seeing Jesus In Local Church

Jesus shocks church goers by appearing during a church meeting and not on a slice of cheese or a coffee cup stain. Congregation at the church which witnessed the apparition were still recovering last night from it all.

“It has shocked me I don’t mind telling you!” Mrs Mary Robinson confirmed. “One minute I was sitting in a cold dark church preying to God to let me win the lottery or tonight’s bingo jackpot at the parish hall. Suddenly without warning the face of what looked like a long haired hippy appeared on the wall next to me. Naturally I screamed the place down; I mean it’s not natural for Jesus to appear that way. Normally he appears in crisps or vegetables but not in a ruddy church. After all that I went and forgot the numbers I wanted to use for the lottery rollover.”

The parish priest at the Holy Cross church where Jesus was believed to have appeared would only confirm that Mrs Robinson had in fact informed him of her sighting.

Records for the last twenty years have proven Mrs Robinson right in her claim that Jesus very rarely appears in churches. A number of sightings this year alone have been:-

Jalapeno Cheese at a cheese counter in Sidcup

At the bottom of a cup of tea at an Exeter Service Station

On a cushion after TV celebrity Vanessa Feltz had been sitting on it at Spearmint Rhino. Scientists however, have so far refused to touch the said cushion until specialist equipment has been brought in.

The last known sighting was in a tramps underpants after a heavy night on a bottle of Tesco's own brand Vodka near Waterloo Bridge, London. It has been rumoured however, that one eye witness confirmed that the stain looked more like the map of Africa than the son of God.

Local church leaders are currently investigating the circumstances behind this out of the ordinary apparition by Jesus in a church. The Vatican have confirmed that they are still currently investigating the appearance of Jesus on a half eaten chapatti at one of the Popes celebrated Ale and Curry nights outside Rome. As such they will leave the investigation up to the local diocese

Pope Pulls Plug On New Window At The Vatican

Vampire movie New Moon condemned by the Vatican

The latest film in the Twilight saga is the tale of a blood-sucker who falls in love with a beautiful teenage girl.

'This film is nothing more than a moral vacuum with a deviant message and, as such, is something that should be of concern,' said Monsignor Franco Perazzolo, of the pontifical council of culture yesterday.

The Vatican failed to mention the cover up of thousands of cases of sexual abuse by priests over the years or of the lax punishment meted out to those priests found guilt of such sins. It is to be assumed a Vatican expert confirmed, “Some moral vacuums are not worth mentioning I guess.”

Three weeks ago the Vatican condemned Halloween as 'anti-Christian and dangerous' and it urged parents not to dress their children as ghosts, goblins and vampires.

Angela Burns, Mother of three children was shocked at the news that as a practicing Christian she was to stop her children wearing Halloween costumes. “I don’t know why they want to ban fancy dress on Halloween but I understand such costumes can frighten some children. My husband dressed as a priest for the evening and whenever he answered the door to the kids in the area they all ran away screaming.”

The producers of the Twilight films confirmed that a Twilight vacuum cleaner will be on sale at retailers in the New Year.

Early Picture of Pope Discovered

An early picture of pope Benedict XVI has been found in the cellars of what was the Hitler Youth headquarters in Berlin. The picture appears to show the young Benedict receiving the blessing of the Nazi party on his head from his local Stummpengrummpenfuher.

The pope claims he has no recollection of the incident but said he is still a bit scared of men who wear shiny jewel encrusted bracelets.

By SLAP

Office Worker Reprieved After Jesus Image Appears

An office worker who had previously been reprimanded by his Team Leader after being found photocopying his backside during office hours has had a lucky reprieve it was disclosed today. Mr Denny Aire who has been employed by City Waste Environment Department for the last 6 months was found on Monday evening with his pants down and his rump placed firmly on the glass of the office photocopier. Initially he was due to be suspended until a proper investigation had been carried out by the Human Resources department. However, it has now come to light that the investigation has been suspended and the offending photocopy has been passed to a specialist team as an image similar to that on the Turin Shroud has appeared on the evidence being held at an undisclosed place.

Both representatives of the company concerned and the leaders of the Christian world are puzzled by the apparition. When confronted by his Team Leader over the issue he confirmed he merely had a penchant for exposing his hairy bottom to bursts of light.

Union officials confirmed that the issue has been raised with them as Mr Aire was seeking representation at any possible tribunal. “I can confirm our colleague has stated that he never meant to create any fuss and was merely having fun with the office equipment. As for being told that his backside may be now probed by the Vatican, this is unnerving to him to say the least”,

Mr Aire's work colleagues have, it can be confirmed, complained about the strange smell coming from the photocopier concerned and strange smudges on all new photocopies even though the toner has been changed on three separate occasions so far.

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Vatican Releases New Game On XBOX 360

The Romans have just arrested the Disciples and this time Jesus is mighty displeased.

The Global News Terrorists Weekend Magazine

Fake Priest Caught in the Vatican

A fake priest was caught trying to hear confessions in St. Peters Basilica, a vatican judge claimed.

Judge Judi Galiano stated that the man entered the Basilica and did not raise suspicions at first, due to the fact that he was with a young child, a prostitute and Elton John.

The photograph you see here was taken shortly after the mans arrest.

Vatican Deny Shroud Of Turin Toilet Paper Being Used In Pope Benedict's Private Restroom

A Vatican spokesman today denied rumours that the Shroud of Turin's ancient image is adorned across the pope's very own toilet paper. When asked to stop back tracking and wipe the slate clean by an overly enthusiastic local report, cardinal Alphonso had this to say to awaiting press.

" We totally refute such blatant lies, why everyone knows his holiness uses Sudoku toilet roll whilst in quiet meditation." The Global News Terrorists wonders if the cardinal is telling the truth or is he merely trying to keep a lid on the whole matter? We can assure our readers we will try to get to the bottom of this for you one way or another.

The Editor

The Global News Terrorists Reviews Vatican's 10 Commandments

The Vatican took a day off from its normal theological matters last Tuesday to issue its own rules of the road.

It issued a 36-page document entitled "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road" containing 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.

"Cars tend to bring out the 'Devil' in human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," according to the document.

It appealed to what it called the "noble tendencies" of the human spirit, urging responsibility and as respected called for self-control not self-abuse.

The document's Fifth Commandment reads: "Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."

The document’s Sixth Commandment reads: “Thou shall not give other drivers the holy one fingered salute- least not when in a built up area outside the papal palace.”

Asked at a news conference when a car could become an occasion of sin, Cardinal Renault Martino said: "When a car is used as a place for sin like dogging and other such things."
When we asked Cardinal Martino about some car drivers using their cars as an extension of their manhood he replied, “ I can assure you when I get behind the wheel of my Subaru Impressa, I do not feel an unholy throbbing between my legs and so therefore nor should others. As for his Holiness the Pope I cannot comment.”

We have noticed however his Holiness has an enigmatic smile whenever he is being transported in his pope mobile.

One part of the document, under the section "Vanity and personal glorification", will not go down well with owners of Ferraris in motor-mad Italy.

"Cars particularly lend themselves to being used by their owners to show off, and as a means for outshining other people and arousing a feeling of envy," it said. “It urged readers not to behave in an "unsatisfactory and even barely human manner" when driving and to avoid what it called "unbalanced behaviour ... impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, picking one’s nose and flicking it and blasphemy ..."

Praying while driving, however, was encouraged. “I would suggest that 3 Hail Mary’s and 2 Our Fathers should help but please do not take your hands of you wheels or close your eyes whilst driving.” The Cardinal insisted.

Vatican City, the world's smallest sovereign state, doesn't have many of the problems listed in the document.

It has about 1,000 cars, the speed limit is 20mph and one Vatican official said the last accident inside Vatican City's walls was about one-and-a-half years ago. This was when Pope Benedict nearly crashed into Cardinal Benzenies Ducatti. We can assure you the language used by both cannot be repeated here.