Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: You don’t seem to be able to motivate yourself to do all that you’d planned with friends. Maybe killing all of them in one go is a little too extreme perhaps two a month would be more realistic.

Leo: That experiment with barbiturates and alcohol hasn’t turned out as you expected has it? Being chained to a filthy bed wearing a gimp suit in that spooky house on the hill, well it looks like the nightmares have only just begun.

Sagittarius: Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is all well and good but not whilst at the beauty spot commonly known as ‘Suicide’s Leap’. It will leave your loved ones scratching their heads over this one.

Taurus: Don’t clash with Aquarians they know more than you think. Yes, even the bit about the Philippines Lady Boy and the spatula.

Virgo: Love interests get a little sticky this month as you are inundated with phone call after phone call for a date. I guess your friends writing your mobile number and sexual practices on the men’s toilet wall doesn’t help much.

Capricorn: It’s a week like this that you wished you had never got involved with the wrong people. Fashion wise you should have no concerns as you will look good in a concrete suit holding up the new flyover.

Gemini: You know that when you want something you go all out for it. Nothing will stop you when you put your mind to it. Unless it is the heavily armed SWAT team waiting for you to come out of the bank you have just held up.

Libra: Your feeling cut up about private matters this week fortunately your love for self harming will make the moment a little more bearable.

Aquarius: You’re bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Do you actually realise how difficult it is to get on the witness protection programme and stay alive?

Cancer: The news is still not looking good!

Scorpio: You are so close to your dreams you can smell it. However, wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe means you are going to have to dig deep and so maybe a digger rather than a shovel would be worth investing in.

Pisces: You may be forced to play piggy in the middle today. Taking that last fork on the left whilst on a canoeing trip wasn’t a wise move. You may want to start playing the banjo.