Norwich To Be Taken Off The Map In Train Service Move

National Express will have its East Anglia rail franchise terminated three years early, the government has said. The Department for Transport said National Express would lose the franchise on 31 March 2011.

Transport Secretary Lord Adonis said the process for securing a new operator would be difficult but he reiterated that the decision was in no way because Norwich is a crap place to visit.

The Mayor of Norwich stated that there a great many reasons for tourist to still continue to visit Norwich and East Anglia but was unable to confirm any when he was pushed on the matter. It was hoped that the news didn't impact too much on the economy of the region.

Celebrity Cook and Football Club owner, Delia Smith spoke out about the news.

"I wish people would stop blaming me for everything because our team is playing terrible at the moment. Just because Norwich City Football Club is now playing in the 1st Division it doesn't mean our railway service should also be relegated."

Delia we can confirm is looking to rehash a few of her old cook books in order to fund a "Put Norwich back on the map" campaign. But just like her current squad of players the future is looking decidedly bleak at the moment for such a move.

Conservative MP's Offer Andy Burnham Help After Confidential Paper Bloop

Culture Secretary Andy Burnham has apologised "unreservedly" after leaving confidential papers on a train. It has been confirmed that Mr Burnham received quite a few telephone calls from Conservative MP's looking to off load a wide range of handcuffs after news of the smeargate sex scandal was revealed in the Sunday Mirror newspaper.

Commuters To Get Rail Weigh Stations

Rail passengers, some of whom already have a less than size zero chance of getting a seat, are to be weighed in an effort to deal with overcrowding, it was revealed to the Global News Terrorists Team by a reliable source.

The South-easterly train company which runs over some of the busiest commuter routes has developed the plan after many complaints from it’s customers over the last year and a half.
South-easterly has installed a new device to four of its busiest routes. The device can work out just how many passengers are aboard its Electrostar trains by recording the overall weight of the train. Once the warning sign lights up with the words “who ate all the pies?” staff can then notify the passengers on their trains, who needs to get off and more importantly who needs to lose weight.

We have learned of this via a leaked memo that this would not be confirmed to their passengers until trials had been completed. Staff are to be sent on an anti abuse course to help them once the fattest of passengers started to complain. Protective clothing and anti-food spitting devices would be issued to all on the four selected routes by the year end.

When we contacted the South-easterly customer service centre the device and anything relating to the matter were denied. They would not confirm if an official statement would be issued on the matter.

We did contact a south eastern diet group to see what the reaction would be upon hearing this information. Mrs Mandy Pantry stated, “I think it is a disgrace do they not realise that some of us are big boned and cannot help our shape and size. I have been going to this diet group for months now and all I do is put weight on. I have come to the conclusion that it must be my bones and nothing to do with the food I eat. To think I will be forced off a train because I am too large is terrible; this is victimization to say the least.”

We left Mandy and her group a copy of our report on this matter to digest but to date we have not yet had our report back. We leave it up to the paying customers of this great country to demand an open door policy when it comes to passenger transport but obviously not whilst the train is in motion.

Passengers Try To Derail Good Services

After years of Commuter Turmoil Network Rail Almost Apologises For Getting Things Right.

Commuters have complained in their thousands at the shoddy way their trains have operated on time for a change. A number of complaints have been made by regular complainants who feel they no longer have a purpose in life anymore. Network Rail refuses to apologize for getting it right as they say they will soon may be back to their normal standards once Rail Watchdogs have finished their audit.

So in the short term there will be no announcements about delays due to leaves, snow or water on the lines. Passengers are living in hope that some of the usual complainants may volunteer to throw themselves in front of on coming trains so that they can reminisce about the good old bad old days.