Conservative MP's Offer Andy Burnham Help After Confidential Paper Bloop

Culture Secretary Andy Burnham has apologised "unreservedly" after leaving confidential papers on a train. It has been confirmed that Mr Burnham received quite a few telephone calls from Conservative MP's looking to off load a wide range of handcuffs after news of the smeargate sex scandal was revealed in the Sunday Mirror newspaper.

Adams 'poised for administration' Correction

We would like to apologise for our early morning additions error in which we claimed that the Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams had gone into administration. We of course meant to confirm that the UK childrenswear retailer, Adams had in fact applied to go into administration.

Passengers Try To Derail Good Services

After years of Commuter Turmoil Network Rail Almost Apologises For Getting Things Right.

Commuters have complained in their thousands at the shoddy way their trains have operated on time for a change. A number of complaints have been made by regular complainants who feel they no longer have a purpose in life anymore. Network Rail refuses to apologize for getting it right as they say they will soon may be back to their normal standards once Rail Watchdogs have finished their audit.

So in the short term there will be no announcements about delays due to leaves, snow or water on the lines. Passengers are living in hope that some of the usual complainants may volunteer to throw themselves in front of on coming trains so that they can reminisce about the good old bad old days.