Weekly Star Signs

Aries : Out with the old and in with the new is your motto today. Try not to worry if this also means your reputation

Leo: Your obsession with TV adverts asking for old gold peaks this week when you are interviewed by the police over a spate of attacks on pensioners with gold teeth at the retirement home you work at.

Sagittarius: There are highs and there are lows but there are some high lows you just cannot stop smiling at today.

Taurus: Your eating disorder means that you have to be extra careful today after you taste and like something that you never thought you would – flesh!

Virgo: It’s the perfect time to start any long term-projects you’ve been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel good again – and if you believe that you sad and lonely malcontent you are more stupid than you look.

Capricorn: Talking through problems with a love one today can build important bridges or just as likely see you doing 18 years for matricide.

Gemini: You have been trying to do too much lately and neglected the little things in life. A good idea would be to let the police know where your victim is before their oxygen runs out seeing as you’ve received the ransom money.

Libra: You know you always like playing devils advocate well stop it. Enough is enough you are rubbish at it and no one gives a rat’s ass at what you think anyway.

Aquarius: You are not exactly known for your patience recently are you? Why don’t you try asking the question that is rubbing you up the wrong way - Do I suit a man thong?

Cancer: Smile it could be worse you could be married to Jim Davidson.

Scorpio: Do you know that old saying “When the hunter becomes the hunted”? Well I think now is a good time to start running. The over 60’s bingo club have just turned up at your local and you are ripe for the picking.

Pisces: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me –comes to mind today at work. Unfortunately your colleagues have come up with a new name for you and boy is this one going to hurt.

Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy?

Are War Memorials Just Too Sexy For The British Public?

After the court case this week in Blackpool in which a 30 year old woman was charged with committing a sex act as well as urinating on the town’s war memorial The Rank News investigates the hidden truth behind an alarming trend.

A rise in public disorder arrests involving British war memorials has brought the all to often question are our monuments just too sexy for their own good?

“I saw its long phallic shape and had the urge to give my man a blowy”, announced Margaret Jones.

“You just don’t realise how damned sexy these monuments can be. I wouldn’t normally do such a thing but I have noticed for weeks prior to the incident that I had the urge to get horny every time I walked past my local monument. It was almost like it was daring me to get low down and dirty with it!”

Dr Ken Stott, a leading expert has confirmed that more and more incidents like this are mostly likely to occur given the amount of alcohol the British public consume and the tall phallic shapes of most of the monuments around the country.

“Sexual acts in public areas have always been reported and it is certainly not the modern day trend some make it out to be I can assure you. However, the latest incidents show that urinating and sexual acts appear to be on the rise. One has to wonder if such incidents are not down to the outright sexiness of the tall penile shape that the majority of such monuments are given by their designers.”

Miss Jones has apologised for the incident but has not ruled out any similar lewd acts taking place in the future. “I blame all those people who died. If it wasn’t for them having a monument to their sacrifice I wouldn’t be in the mess I am right now!”

Blackpool police have denied that a large condom will be placed over the monument in order to keep it clean should any further incidents take place.

Foreign Bugs Taking Our Jobs!

Foreign Super Bug taking over British Super Bugs jobs it has been announced by the Daily Mail today.

Hospitals across the nation were on alert last night after confirmation that an antibiotic-resistant superbug imported by people who have had cosmetic surgery abroad was detected at an unnamed hospital near Bristol.

The bug, NDM-1 has affected 37 Britons – and some infections have already been passed from patient to patient in hospitals here.

Nick Griffin leader of the British National Party has called for the Con/Lib government to do more to stop this and other foreign diseases from entering the country.

“This is yet another example of foreigners coming into our country and taking home grown and I hasten to add, hard working diseases jobs”.

Mr Harry Smith a 71 year old pensioner from Putney was disgusted upon hearing the news.

“I worked hard all my life and was looking forward to dying a lonely and horrific death from one of our diseases. It looks like I will now most likely die from one of those foreign ones that eat your flesh from the inside out. I blame Labour for all this. They have made our country open to all kinds of foreign invaders!”

Although there have only been about 50 cases identified in the UK so far, scientists fear it will go global. Tight surveillance and new drugs are needed says Lancet Infectious diseases.

A press conference by the British Alliance for Diseases (BAD) was due to due to be made this morning but unfortunately the live conference had to be cancelled due to an outbreak of sickness amongst the gathering journalists.

B.A.D union representative, C.Difficile later spoke to press over the telephone on the matter.

“ Our members are prepared to take industrial action if this interloper doesn’t desist in what it is doing in our hospitals. We are watching proceedings very closely and will ballot our members in due course. A possible “Sick In” may take place no later than next week if this new virus doesn’t get off our manor.”

“I would like to apologise for the outbreak of sickness at this morning’s press conference. Some of our members upon seeing a large crowd of people couldn’t help themselves. Our well wishes go out to those affected and their families.”

Vatican To Supply MOD With Protective Rosary Beads

Vatican we can confirm are to Supply MOD with protective rosary beads after Guardsman Glen Hockton was saved during a patrol in Afghanistan. This news has created a flood of requests from hundreds of soldiers for their own religious paraphernalia. Christian shops across the country have reported excessive sales compared to previous years and are putting it down to a miracle from God.

Mary O’Brien who runs the Christians -R- Us shop in Ipswich was beside herself with joy at the number of customers visiting her shop.

“It’s been wonderful seeing all of these strapping young men in uniform coming through the door asking for bibles and the like. It makes a change from the usual sort that come in here. If it isn’t old people stinking the place up with their urine and faecal body odours then it’s normally pre-teens asking can they see my furry chalice, what ever that may be.”

The soldier who was saved from death by the rosary beads he had dropped has stated that it was a miracle he survived. “I must admit I felt strange having the rosary beads at first as I kept getting ribbed about them by my mates in the squadron. But since my beads saved me from near death, half the unit are looking like a Goth’s convention at the moment. Jimmy our Sergeant for example is looking more like Madonna in her “Like a Virgin” video than a hardened professional soldier!”

The Ministry Of Defence has announced that it is looking into possibly purchasing other religious items to protect our soldiers in war zones should testing prove to be positive.

Vatican Motors in Italy have confirmed that just this week it has had phone calls from both the British and American governments. They have it has been confirmed, asked about the company’s 2010 Armoured Pope Mobile. The highly protective transport vehicle has been pencilled in for possible purchase to help out in Afghanistan. According to the BBC television show, Top Gear its anti-mine and missile deflecting capabilities are said to be on most armed forces wish list.

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries
Today will see you in two minds as to what you should do with your life. However, I am not quite sure crack or cocaine is the wisest of choices.

Leo
Your artistic streak comes to the fore today when you have the opportunity to spray-paint what you really think of your next door neighbours on their brand new car.

Sagittarius
Whilst all around you appears to be in chaos just remember you are tied to a chair and the detonator is due to go off any minute now. It’s time to panic.

Taurus
The sun in your star sign elevates you to new heights this week unfortunately for you your fear of heights may be your one and only stumbling block.

Virgo
Your attempt to move a solid object with your mind ends in a sticky mess through straining yourself too much. A spare pair of underwear may be advisable.

Capricorn
You will find that nothing you do this week will get in the way of your dreams.
Taking over the world however, may just be pushing it too far.

Gemini
Your hatred of animals may find you being kicked of the Farmville App you have recently discovered. Pitch forking the cows and burning down the barn with the farmer in it may have been one abuse too many for Facebook.

Libra
Don’t be surprised if family and friends comment on how much you have changed lately. There are not that many full moons so hopefully you will start looking yourself shortly.

Aquarius
The chance to mix with a different set of faces puts a spring in your step. I guess the word of you and animals has spread across the remand centre quicker than you expected.

Cancer
Look around and watch the actions of those close to you that should spell out to you how long you have if nothing else does.

Scorpio
Nothing is what it seems just now so wait till the morning when the alcohol has warn off. You will be walking like John Wayne and unable to sit down for a week.

Pisces
Imaginary friends when you are a child are one thing but at 30 it can look strange to others. Especially when you tell that girl in the pub that Mr Bunny Wunny touched her bum and not you, be warned.

Alternative Movie Posters: The Importance Of Being Ernest

Parishioner Shocked At Seeing Jesus In Local Church

Jesus shocks church goers by appearing during a church meeting and not on a slice of cheese or a coffee cup stain. Congregation at the church which witnessed the apparition were still recovering last night from it all.

“It has shocked me I don’t mind telling you!” Mrs Mary Robinson confirmed. “One minute I was sitting in a cold dark church preying to God to let me win the lottery or tonight’s bingo jackpot at the parish hall. Suddenly without warning the face of what looked like a long haired hippy appeared on the wall next to me. Naturally I screamed the place down; I mean it’s not natural for Jesus to appear that way. Normally he appears in crisps or vegetables but not in a ruddy church. After all that I went and forgot the numbers I wanted to use for the lottery rollover.”

The parish priest at the Holy Cross church where Jesus was believed to have appeared would only confirm that Mrs Robinson had in fact informed him of her sighting.

Records for the last twenty years have proven Mrs Robinson right in her claim that Jesus very rarely appears in churches. A number of sightings this year alone have been:-

Jalapeno Cheese at a cheese counter in Sidcup

At the bottom of a cup of tea at an Exeter Service Station

On a cushion after TV celebrity Vanessa Feltz had been sitting on it at Spearmint Rhino. Scientists however, have so far refused to touch the said cushion until specialist equipment has been brought in.

The last known sighting was in a tramps underpants after a heavy night on a bottle of Tesco's own brand Vodka near Waterloo Bridge, London. It has been rumoured however, that one eye witness confirmed that the stain looked more like the map of Africa than the son of God.

Local church leaders are currently investigating the circumstances behind this out of the ordinary apparition by Jesus in a church. The Vatican have confirmed that they are still currently investigating the appearance of Jesus on a half eaten chapatti at one of the Popes celebrated Ale and Curry nights outside Rome. As such they will leave the investigation up to the local diocese

Odin Endorses BNP Nick Griffin Confirms

Odin god of the Norse men is due to declare the British National Party as the only party for the British Arian Right, news reports have claimed today.

After a year of ups and downs the B N P has found a guardian in the shape of an ancient mythological god who truly believes in their xenophobic/racist beliefs.

Odin who had remained silent during the General Election as to which party he had backed made his feelings be known in a dream to party leader, Nick Griffin the other night after a cheese and wine party with some of his closest henchmen.

“Nick, it is time you came out of the closet, sorry I meant wilderness and took this country in the direction it needs to go, the past!” Odin was believed to have informed Mr Griffin according reports coming out of his parties head quarters in East London.

The leader of the BNP was elated to be visited by such a magnificent Arian god.

“It was wonderful seeing the old fellow I can tell you. After all it’s not often one wakes up with a gruff looking hairy one eyed Viking god standing over you whilst you are naked in bed is it! Some Liberal Democrats would pay good money for that type of thing to happen to them I can tell you.” Mr Griffin stated outside his country manor.

Thor the god of thunder, Odin’s son, is still undecided as to who he is backing. He is currently unsure on The Lib Democrat’s coalition with the Tory Party. Policy issues like Trident are causing him some concern.

“As everyone is aware I have a magnificent swinging arm but I am not usually a swinging voter. I generally vote for the strong type like myself. I like my politicians to be both strong, male and the dynamic type, unfortunately Anne Widdecombe is no longer an MP.”

“Clegmire I feel came across very well in the first live television debate during the general election but since siding with Cameron he looks more and more like the office gimp every single day. Dad has always had an eye for politics, only the one mind so he can be blinded by some politicians. So I am not really sure what he sees in the BNP.”

The BNP will be holding a rape and pillage night at Stepney Town Hall this weekend in honour of their new endorser.

Raoul Moat Commemorative Police Siege Plate Offer

Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: A good time to get in touch with neglected friends even if it is to only laugh mockingly in their battered and bruised faces.

Leo: Your family are worried about you and justifiably so. Somehow strapping a bomb to your chest and saying things like “see you in paradise” as you walk out of the door it is hardly surprising.

Sagittarius: You are set to get invites from some unexpected people today. It is best to make sure your friend has paid your loan money to the local Triad gang before you leave the house. If not it could be the last time you see your teddy Mr Twinkle ever again.

Taurus: Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance of all three. You will be diagnosed as morbidly obese; having syphilis and you will win £2.50 in an office sweep. What more could you wish for in life?

Virgo: You could find yourself heading towards an early grave this week. Be careful, doing 100 miles an hour isn't good for neither you nor the grieving relatives in the black limousine following you.

Capricorn: You need to dig your heels in at work today. Being a dominatrix in your spare time should put you in good stead surely.

Gemini: Today you get to realise some of your dreams but not the one involving your Nan, a gasmask and a plunger. Some thing’s are best kept hidden real deep.

Libra: New beginnings in your career make for an exciting time. It’s a pity you now find yourself at the helm of the TITANIC and steaming straight towards infamy.

Aquarius: Your day has been a bit hit and miss already. Luckily no one managed to write your license plate number down. How you are going to explain the broken windscreen and blood and hair on the wing of your car is another matter.

Cancer: The news is looking critical be warned.

Scorpio: You may not be getting on with a partners friend or family lately. Take a step backwards, take a deep breath and swing that baseball bat like you really mean it. Now that should shut them up.

Pisces: Dealing with any sort of emergency is going to be a problem. More so when those around you realise you are not qualified to operate on a heart patient and you have way too much facial hair for a female doctor called Mandy.