Parishioner Shocked At Seeing Jesus In Local Church

Jesus shocks church goers by appearing during a church meeting and not on a slice of cheese or a coffee cup stain. Congregation at the church which witnessed the apparition were still recovering last night from it all.

“It has shocked me I don’t mind telling you!” Mrs Mary Robinson confirmed. “One minute I was sitting in a cold dark church preying to God to let me win the lottery or tonight’s bingo jackpot at the parish hall. Suddenly without warning the face of what looked like a long haired hippy appeared on the wall next to me. Naturally I screamed the place down; I mean it’s not natural for Jesus to appear that way. Normally he appears in crisps or vegetables but not in a ruddy church. After all that I went and forgot the numbers I wanted to use for the lottery rollover.”

The parish priest at the Holy Cross church where Jesus was believed to have appeared would only confirm that Mrs Robinson had in fact informed him of her sighting.

Records for the last twenty years have proven Mrs Robinson right in her claim that Jesus very rarely appears in churches. A number of sightings this year alone have been:-

Jalapeno Cheese at a cheese counter in Sidcup

At the bottom of a cup of tea at an Exeter Service Station

On a cushion after TV celebrity Vanessa Feltz had been sitting on it at Spearmint Rhino. Scientists however, have so far refused to touch the said cushion until specialist equipment has been brought in.

The last known sighting was in a tramps underpants after a heavy night on a bottle of Tesco's own brand Vodka near Waterloo Bridge, London. It has been rumoured however, that one eye witness confirmed that the stain looked more like the map of Africa than the son of God.

Local church leaders are currently investigating the circumstances behind this out of the ordinary apparition by Jesus in a church. The Vatican have confirmed that they are still currently investigating the appearance of Jesus on a half eaten chapatti at one of the Popes celebrated Ale and Curry nights outside Rome. As such they will leave the investigation up to the local diocese

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Jesus on Marmite Jar Actually Rock Legend Instead

After the recent publicised sighting of Jesus in a jar of Marmite, the dead spirit of rock legend Frank Zappa has come out in the press and blasted media hype and inaccuracy. The former rock star this morning spoke out in a disembodied way to ask why it is always claimed to be Jesus on these products when in fact it is actually him.

Talking to press in a small function room at the Hard Rock Café in London, Frank confirmed “I have to admit if I was going to appear anywhere I can assure you I wouldn’t be seen dead in a jar of Marmite. But saying that I have appeared on so many things over the last year or two and time and time again Jesus always gets the publicity”.

Press from across the world tried to squeeze into the function room in order to listen more clearly to what he had to say. Frank who appeared before the press in the form of a bright golden light just above the small shrine to former rock legends, stated, “It is disappointing to yet again have to endure further disappointment over being mistaken for the son of god. The image you people claim is him could just as easily be me. This smells clearly of media bias and it has to stop now.” Frank boomed in a gravel voiced way.

Frank at this stage was getting more and more irate by the international press, pressing him to sing a song to prove he was who he claimed he was and not in fact Jesus in disguise. He wouldn’t sing any of his hits; however he did confirm if his image continues to be mistaken for the son of god he will seek legal advice on the matter.

Devil Speaks Out At Inconsistency Of Jesus Media Coverage With His Own

The devil came out in the press today to denounce the continuous publicity his arch enemy Jesus has been getting in the news. The Devil AKA Old Nick and Beelzebub, bemoaned the fact that Jesus has been reported in the last few months as appearing on a cushion, crisp, toast and lately a chunky Kit-Kat.

"It has to be said their is a lot of biased reporting going on and not just lately its been going on for years now. Everyone seems to go ooh! look at that its just like Jesus but the same never happens when it comes to me I can assure you. I'd be lucky to get a mention no matter how spectacular my image appeared. It truly comes to something when all i get compared with is politicians, tax men and traffic cops!"

Jesus has denied favouritism is the real reason for such news worthy reports and added that he isn't always shown in good light. Jesus was in fact referring to the fact he was alleged to have appeared on a dogs anus in the past. "By all means the Dark Lord can have that one if he wishes it's fine by me."

The Devil is to launch his own Internet publicity company in order to spread his corporate image in better light than it already is. Our business Affairs correspondent Ken Stott has placed doubt on this being a good business proposition taking into account the Madonna 50th Birthday apparition the Devil made last August.

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Jesus Denies He Ever Appeared On A Cushion

Thousands of people who flocked to a Roman Catholic church on the French Indian Ocean island of Reunion after believers said they saw the “face of Christ” in the pleats of a church cushion have been left disappointed today. This was after it was realised that they had been looking at the wrong cushion.

Church officials limited access to the Jesus-Misericordieux church in eastern Saint-Andre’s Cambuston district to a few minutes per visitor as traffic in the area ground to a halt.Believers and curious onlookers pulled out cameras to take pictures of the cushion attached to the priest’s chair.

The cushion concerned was in fact not the correct cushion to worship over as it was one that had been sat on by one of the local parishioners instead. Unfortunately Mrs Alison Maddox 45 years old has confirmed it was her who in fact had left the eerily looking shape on the cushion. Due to her life long problem with protruding piles she has admitted to having left a lifetimes worth of odd shapes on various cushions around the world.

Margaret, an 82-year-old parishioner, who recently said she had seen Jesus on a chili pepper she had eaten, said the face was a “divine phenomenon” as tears welled up her eyes. John, an 45-year- old parishioner, who had also seen the image of Jesus but this time on his dogs anus said, "I cannot get it out of my mind. Every time I see Trixie's little fanny I am mesmerized by it, this thing should be probed by the church."

Jesus unfortunately was unable to comment on the recent apparition but his spokesperson did confirm the following, " My client is at the end of his tether at the moment. The recent incident is a typical example of the attempts to cash in on his public image. I have to advise all that Jesus has now registered his image as a brand name and logo. Anyone wishing to claim it has appeared on any inanimate object in the future will be prosecuted to the full letter of the law. As for my client appearing on a crisp I am afraid it is just a crisp and unless it is Marmite flavour just eat the blasted thing"

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The Romans have just arrested the Disciples and this time Jesus is mighty displeased.

Police Called to Mass Brawl At Wedding.

A member of the general public was forced to call their local police station after a wedding at the picturesque resort of Cana, Galilee after trouble at a local wedding. Officers raided the out of hand party after Jesus openly refused to produce a large quantity of wine as promised.

Jesus, one eyewitness confirmed, had to be escorted from the wedding ceremony by his disciples after one angry guest shoved a half eaten chicken wing in his chest, whilst berating him drunkenly about his no miracle attitude. This caused other party goes to turn on the son of God also and vent their anger at the lack of over flowing wine.

Police chief, Ken Stott confirmed, “A number of guest at the party after consuming large amounts of wine wouldn’t take no for an answer when they asked the son of God to replenish the already empty jars of red wine. This invoked a lack of compliance from Jesus which resulted in a number of punches being thrown by all and sundry.”

Chief Stott also confirmed, “We found Jesus in the beer garden surrounded by his disciples as chairs, jars and all manner of household goods were being thrown about him. Fortunately we managed to quell the situation after a short period of negotiation. Thankfully we managed to get Jesus to produce a few platters of pies, sandwiches and crisps. Fortunately the number of arrests made, were minimal and the party was allowed to continue into the night without further incident.”

When asked how he felt about being forced into such a situation, Jesus merely confirmed, “It’s a cross I have to bare these days being the son of God.”

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Dogs Anus Centre of Jesus Probe

We have had a report of the latest in a long line of miraculous apparitions of the image of Our Lord. After Jesus has been recently spotted appearing in spilled hot chocolate, dental x-rays, shrimp and a Tampax, a reader sends us evidence that He has appeared on the bottom of a dog.
The dog's name is Crawford MacDougall, and he is a very cute three-year-old terrier mix. The image of Jesus can be clearly seen in the fur surrounding his @nus.

The owner of the dog informed us when interviewed, “I woke up one morning and noticed Crawford’s cute little tush wagging in my face. I got out of bed and took a deeper inspection of his @nus and after brushing the fur from his bum hole and stroking the area with my finger I probed his anus and was shocked to see Jesus looking back at me. The sunlight was shining through the window it was like I was awash with the morning glory of Christ himself.” Ever since that sanctified day, the image of Jesus has graced Crawford’s buttocks.

The owners wife added, 'This is truly a holy event,' and 'It's hard to understand the meaning of this appearance, but one thing is for sure, that dog's bum looks incredibly like Jesus. However, when Crawford goes for his number 2’s it does seem to change appearance but it soon goes back to normal.”

When we asked the owners to explain the two large dangling testicles they insisted this was Jesus’ wings in the relaxed position. “My husband hasn’t been able to stop touching Crawford’s bum hole since the image first appeared. I think he is expecting a miracle but no matter how much he touches it, it just seems to look back at him in silence. He hasn’t washed his hands for days. I think he is obsessed with the whole thing.”

The apparition has caused a stir in the religious world and it has been rumoured that the Pope may be visiting Crawford shortly in America. No confirmation of this trip has been made by the Vatican nor could anyone tell us if the Pope would be kissing Crawford’s ring or Crawford kissing the Popes. Hundreds of deeply religious people have flocked to see this miracle. Crawford apparently has been a little uneasy about the number of people taking a keen interest in his @nus. One visitor explained, “It’s a message, a holy message I am sure of it but I just cannot put my finger on it. At the moment”

A spokesman for the family confirmed, “This thing is getting bigger every day, the story that is not Crawford’s @nus. The Internet has increased the interest rapidly. Even President Bush has responded to the holy image, “I feel this is a message from God letting the American people know that I was right to go to war in Iraq after all. Mr Bush has set up a special agency and sanctioned a government probe into Crawford’s @nus.”

Man Falls Before Jesus In Miracle Bid.

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.


Farmer Jonas Baptistas climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Unfortunately Jonas had forgotten to wear underwear under his biblical style robe. On lookers at the scene insisted that they could see the devils face smiling from Jonas’ bare bum.


One on looker, Maria Ortega fainted at the scene and was rushed to the nearest hospital. We interviewed her at her hospital bed and she informed our reporter, “It was the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was like the devil himself was laughing at me. His mouth was wide open and I could see his horrible brown gnarled teeth.” Our reporter informed Mrs Ortega that it was in fact Jonas’ bare bum she had been looking at. Mrs Ortega blessed herself and cried with relief, “I thought I was looking into the pit of hell my god does the man never wipe his behind?”


Whilst Jonas stood at the top of the statue people who had gathered around threw clothing to him in order to stop others from fainting too. Whilst at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to get dressed into the clothing he had been given, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery. As he tried to negotiate a tricky arm in shirt manoeuvre he slipped but managed to hold onto Jesus' outstretched arm, Jonas dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more. As he was laying on the floor in a daze a part of the crowd started attacking him for insulting Jesus’ statue. On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.


He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull and strangely enough his rectum. Police are questioning a local priest over the incident.
Our reporter asked the chief of police, Raul Quinto Pinto if the priest was being questioned for causing part of the crowd to attack Jonas. “No you have it all wrong the priest concerned, Father Jesus De Flengo was not arrested for this. He was arrested for trying to insert a crucifix up the victim’s anus without permission. We have asked our medical experts and they have confirmed that a crucifix up at rectum will most definitely not cure epilepsy as father Quinto Pinto has tried to imply.”


The case has been pended for two months to give the farmer time to recover from his injuries. The removal of splinters from Mr Baptistas rectum had taken surgeons a lot longer than expected we have been informed.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all of our readers from all at The Global News Terrorists

Look Good For Jesus

Ever wondered what Jesus used to use when he wanted a bath? then look no further for this blasphemous cleaning product has recently been seen on sale in the Far East. What next, " Cleans the mind shampoo." or "Throw the first stone" Kidney and Gall bladder relief medicine?"

We asked the retailer who has had the product removed from his shelves due to complaints from religious groups about the idea behind the products.

Mr Harry Ho confirmed, " It came to me in a vision whilst sitting in my bath one evening. I thought to myself that I was cleaning my body and wondered to myself did God ever have a bath? I then hit on the idea to produce my own bath and household products. Unfortunately I have been asked to remove some of my products as some locals felt it was going too far. I only hope my new bleach product doesn't get removed also."

Mr Ho's Family sized bottle of bleach " The Road To Domestos" is in the shops now.

School Report of Jesus Found On Skip

Your Favourite newspaper has come in to receipt of an early school report for Jesus. Top scientific experts have verified that the report is real and after much debate our editorial team along with our legal department have given permission to publish the very report for our loyal readers.

Dear Mr & Mrs God.

Well another term has ended at St Malachi’s School and I am once again called upon as head teacher for the year to write to you with a report of how your child has been for the term. It has been as ever a rather fraught term as you can imagine with the many up’s and down’s that we as the teaching staff have to put up with. There have been a number of occasions this term that I was called upon to raise certain matters to the attention of Mr Trench the head master. Please don’t get me wrong some of the incidents have been minor infractions and easily remedied with quick action by myself others unfortunately have not.

I shall set out the good points and the bad points individually for you in order to give you both a better idea of how your son has been this term.

The teaching staffs were disheartened when through no fault of our own the teaching staff’s canteen had run out of fish suppers on the first week of term. Your son godly (forgive the pun) as ever saved the day by materialising from empty canteen serving trays enough battered fish and buttered bread to fill the empty stomachs of all the teaching staff. It was a remarkable fete surpassing anything mere mortals like David Blane and Paul Daniels could ever conjure up.

Religious education was a very good example of your son’s exemplary knowledge of Christianity and other known religious beliefs. His “Show and Tell” was extremely popular especially when he brought his Uncles Mohammad and Buddha, to the school to talk about other theological theories. We have asked him however to give others a chance at answering some of the questions asked in class. I am aware who he is the son of but no one likes a know it all. He has managed to out shine the rest of the school. However; we did need to request that the glow of his halo be dimmed at least during the day. On a good note the electricity normally used at the school during the winter evenings has thankfully been reduced due to his magnificent enlightenment.

Some of the female members of staff and a few of the six form girls have been rather disturbed about your son’s omnipresent state. It has caused a few complaints over the term due to people not wishing to have your son’s omni presents within them during the day and night. It has been called by some as a total invasion of privacy and unfortunately your son’s habit of smiling or indeed winking at the female staff and six former girls as he floats passed between classes etc to feel very suspicious indeed.

As an added note of concern some of the other parents have commented on your son’s good grades year in and year out. Somehow they feel that he may be reading the teachers minds or even looking through their eyes to obtain the answers to the exam question sheets. I have assured all concerned that all exam questions are sealed in a regulatory brown envelope provided by the education examiners office but somehow this does not seem to alleviate the situation any.

On a slightly lighter note I have been much impressed by your son’s ability in the country dancing classes. He has gone from strength to strength and has won this term the boot scoot prize in line dancing. You should both be very proud of his achievements.

Maths A+
English A+
Wood Work D+
French A+
Quantum Physics A
Country Dancing B

Over all a good try however, he needs to apply himself more in Wood Work. Unfortunately his attempt of making a working Ark failed somewhat at the cost of the death of a wide range of animals which we had to get Rent-A-Kill to remove at some cost to the school.

If your son keeps the good work up he should be able to find himself a decent job when he leaves school in two years. I am aware that he has confirmed his willingness to join your family business as an apprentice; however, it is always best to keep your options open I feel.

I look forward to meeting you both at next months open day the children have worked hard on their production of Dante’s Inferno which I believe is very realistic indeed.

Yours sincerely

Dr BL Ebob
Head Teacher Year Six

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