Somali Gunmen 'Renounce Piracy'

Around 200 Somali pirates are reported to have renounced piracy at a meeting in northern Somalia. Members of the group met local leaders and Somali expatriates in Eyl, in the autonomous region of Puntland, and promised to halt their activities.

The group took the opportunity to confirm that they will now concentrate on their plans to join the banking fraternity. This move has been welcome news to the financial sector who have lost a large portion of members due to the economic downturn and more specifically the recent lull in its sector has been brought on my bad publicity.

The IMF have confirmed that they look forward to dealing these self made millionaires, "they are an inspiration to the world."

The news has also been greeted with great enthusiasm by Great Britain after the recent attack and capture of one of her naval ships by an armed, five man pedalo. Hostages we are informed are to be released later today as long as the naval crew have opened a new deposit account with the First National Somalian Bank.

Drug Cartels In Global Crisis

Mexican Drug Cartels have spoken out about the announcement that the world cocaine market is "in retreat". The usually waring cartels have formed a coalition and announced that due to the current global economic crisis they are seeking financial help to keep their collective franchises in business.

Eduardo Calima the designated spokesperson for the coalition told Global News Terrorists," The current situation across the world has had dire consequences to the wealth of our members and we are calling upon on the International Monetary Fund for financial assistance. Without a financial deal in place the import and export of our much craved products will mean many small operators could go in to liquidation, and we are not talking about gangland executions here!" The IMF refuse to comment on the latest crisis but say they are monitoring the situation closely.

Mexican and American intelligence agencies are taking a close interest in the new coalition to ensure their share of any new business deal remains in place. As for the Serious Organised Crime Agency they are happy that the current clampdown on drug smugglers will be reflected in their annual performance review. Soca may have decided that whatever, you do on the war on drugs, you cannot win vital public relations battle by operating from the shadows.

Hank Marvin from the 6o's group has confirmed that neither he or the rest of the band have ever been connected with drugs enforcement. Hank also confirmed the bands hits have all been of a music nature only.