Jesus Denies He Ever Appeared On A Cushion

Thousands of people who flocked to a Roman Catholic church on the French Indian Ocean island of Reunion after believers said they saw the “face of Christ” in the pleats of a church cushion have been left disappointed today. This was after it was realised that they had been looking at the wrong cushion.

Church officials limited access to the Jesus-Misericordieux church in eastern Saint-Andre’s Cambuston district to a few minutes per visitor as traffic in the area ground to a halt.Believers and curious onlookers pulled out cameras to take pictures of the cushion attached to the priest’s chair.

The cushion concerned was in fact not the correct cushion to worship over as it was one that had been sat on by one of the local parishioners instead. Unfortunately Mrs Alison Maddox 45 years old has confirmed it was her who in fact had left the eerily looking shape on the cushion. Due to her life long problem with protruding piles she has admitted to having left a lifetimes worth of odd shapes on various cushions around the world.

Margaret, an 82-year-old parishioner, who recently said she had seen Jesus on a chili pepper she had eaten, said the face was a “divine phenomenon” as tears welled up her eyes. John, an 45-year- old parishioner, who had also seen the image of Jesus but this time on his dogs anus said, "I cannot get it out of my mind. Every time I see Trixie's little fanny I am mesmerized by it, this thing should be probed by the church."

Jesus unfortunately was unable to comment on the recent apparition but his spokesperson did confirm the following, " My client is at the end of his tether at the moment. The recent incident is a typical example of the attempts to cash in on his public image. I have to advise all that Jesus has now registered his image as a brand name and logo. Anyone wishing to claim it has appeared on any inanimate object in the future will be prosecuted to the full letter of the law. As for my client appearing on a crisp I am afraid it is just a crisp and unless it is Marmite flavour just eat the blasted thing"