Weekly Horoscopes

Aries
Another day of deep thought. What emerges is that you are
God and all your work colleagues must die.

Taurus
Another socially dynamic day, it’s just a pity you amounted to
nothing in your miserable life and no one will touch you with a bargepole.

Gemini
Your good looks will fall in to disarray today when the door of opportunity
refuses to open as wide as you expected it to when walking through it.

Cancer
With Mercury moving through your ‘faraway places’ zone it
may be time to seek medical help. Now!

Leo
Home, money, health and wellbeing are flagging up today unfortunately
you are the wrong star sign to enjoy such delights.

Virgo
At home you feel romance in the air, either because you live in a fantasy
world or just heavily sedated. Wise up you’ve been married to the slob for 35 years
it isn’t going to get any better than this.

Libra
New work routines bring fresh inspiration. Your fiendish plot to conquer and divide
could reap rewards at long last or you could just buy that high fat cheese and onion bagel
and save the plotting for another day!

Scorpio
Financially, you could be onto a winner but handling Nazi Gold it is bound to have some pit falls.
A sudden knock on the door could just as likely be Mossad as it could be Avon calling.

Sagittarius
You’re in a reflective mood again today so isn’t it about time you put that mirror down and left
your Narcissistic tendencies at home for once?

Capricorn
You realise just how far down the food chain you have become when you come face to face with
that predator you called a wife for 10 years at your divorce hearing today.

Aquarius
What you say or do today will get noticed favourably by the powers-that-be and could just lead
to that lighter prison sentence you have been looking for.

Pisces
With lots going on around you and people everywhere it may not be the right time to discover you have a gun in your handbag and you need to kill.

Soapbox News Headlines From Across Britain

Graduate with BA Honours looks forward to walking dogs for a living as first job since graduating. We ask how could 3 years at University get any better in modern Britain.

Out of work model asks why is it only the dead or the queen who gets their faces on Royal Mail stamps?

What rights do modern day effigies have when it comes to angry mobs? We ask Guy Fawkes his professional opinion.

As Unemployment is on the increase will there be enough fake compassion amongst the Upper classes to go around? Prince Charles ponders over his response.

Kaplinsky robbed of her sequins

So Natasha Kaplinsky is to be defrocked in front of the nation oops! Sorry, she has been asked to drop the ball gowns and sequins and wear something a little less formal whilst reading the news for her new bosses at Channel 5. Is nothing sacred you may be asking yourselves?

Miss Kaplinsky who was given a Million pounds a year to move from the BBC to Channel Five by all accounts is finding it hard to adapt to her new dress code. After years of building her reputation as the “most glamorous newsreader in Britain”, her new employers at Five, have asked Spangles, a name given to her by her former BBC colleagues to dress down for news reading.

So look out for her in a two piece swim suite and pearl necklace the next time you tune in to Five News sometime soon. Nothing however, has been confirmed about Miss Kaplinsky’s over use of her make-up. Are we soon to also see just what she looks like under the ready-mix concrete? I doubt that very much.