One In Four Now In Education In England

More than one in four of the entire population of England is now in education or training, according to figures from the government.
There are about 14.5 million people in nursery, school, post-16 courses, vocational training and university.

“This is great news as it means we can provide an ever decreasing level of standards of education to greater numbers of pupils and students than previously reached. The figures mean that for every two people in work, there is now more than one person in education wasting their time. Our members are going to have to work harder now to ensure higher numbers of dodgy pass rates are achieved by next year,” Prof. Ken Stott of the Teachers Union confirmed.

It cannot be confirm how many in education are likely to train to be teachers or classroom assistants.

Brian Patterson Head Master at King Alfred’s junior school had this to say on the matter, “Based on previous years figures it no doubt will be high. We have a high number of mothers who feel the need to work at schools because they need to be near their children. In the same way we have a large volume of paedophiles screaming out to join the rank and files. It looks like the future is going to be rosy in education.”

“It looks more like Rosy had better watch herself based on those figures!” Patrick Duffy, MP for Strobe and Hatchel remarked upon hearing the news.

And an employment expert says the big unanswered question is how to pay for such unprecedented numbers. We guess that will be up to the department of Mathematicians to work out in the end.

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Alien's Are Amongst Us

It is 60 years since the world heard the words flying saucer to depict an unidentified flying object in the sky. And since that moment, millions of people around the globe have claimed to have seen or been visited by beings from another planet. Today we look at some of the reports from the archives of the NUTAS, the National Union of Terrestrial Accounts.

1957, Waco, Texas - Mr Charles Kock saw a large saucepan shaped object flying quickly towards him whilst arguing with his wife. Mr Kock suddenly lost consciousness and was later found on the kitchen floor with a large bruise on his head and a cucumber in his rectum.

1963, Sodhall, Wilts - Mrs Barbara Whire awoke one summers evening to a presence in her room, a humanoid type creature entered her bed and began to babble in an incoherent language, before trying and failing to probe Mrs Whire with a limp flesh like protrusion.

1946, Witeshew, Connecticut- Miss Ophelia Tippend was being driven home by her boyfriend when the car unexpectedly ran out of fuel near a layby. Miss Tippend claims that her boyfriend, Mr Airy Bush, was possessed by an alien being and attempted a 'cross gender insemination'. Miss Tippen awoke the next day to find her boyfriend missing and 9 months later, her alien love child was born. The boy, George, was last seen applying for governor of Texas...